#1
A fish walks into a bar, the bartender

asks,
"What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck,

"Water".
#2
Look over there! Said the frightened
skunk to his pal.
"There's a human with a gun, and he's getting
closer and closer!
What are we going to do?"
To which the second
skink calmly replied, "Let us spray ."
#3
A man
moved to a mountain top to
get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day
he heard a knock at the
door and no one was there but then he looked
down and there sat a
snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I
come in?" the man
shouted "NO why don't you all understand I want to
be alone!" and
he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later
there was a
knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked
down and
there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that
for?"
#4
A lion was getting rather old and slow
and having difficulty
catching its prey. It decided it needed a
disguise so that other
animals did not know it was a lion and would
not run away. So it goes into a
fancy dress shop and buys a gorilla
suit. It then heads for a watering
hole to see if it can catch
something with its new disguise. On the way
it comes across two eagles
sitting on a rock. One eagle says to it "Hi
Mr. Lion!" The other
said, "Where did you get the gorilla suit?" The
lion, rather
frustrated, asks, "How did you know I was a lion?" The
eagles then started
to sing, "You can't hide your lion eyes".
#5
This little snail bought a little car
and took it to the body
shop to have it painted. The service man
asked him exactly what he
wanted done, and the snail said he wanted
little S's painted all around
and all over his car. The service man
asked him why, and the snail
answered "When people see me in my car
I want them to say, look at that
S-Car-Go!"
#6
One day there was a tortoise walking on

the road. Along came the hare that had once been defeated by the

tortoise in a race. The hare was so angry from what had happened to
him so he
challenged him to another race. The tortoise gladly
accepted his
challenge. It ended up that the tortoise and the hare never
finished the race
because they both took a nap right before the
finish line. So the
tortoise is still the champion of the race. So
remember this you snooze you
loose!
#7
Q. What did the snail say when he

hitched a ride on the turtle?
A. Wheeeee!!!!!
#8
One day Mullah was beating his donkey
in a remote place. A man saw
him and asked: why are you beating the
poor animal. Sorry, said Mullah,
is it a member of your family?
#9
Mama bear to Papa bear:
"Well... You
might call it hibernating -- I call it 'goofing
off'."
#10
A hungry lion was
roaming through
the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men. One
was sitting under a tree reading a book;
the other was typing away
on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on
the man reading the
book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that
readers digest, and writers
cramp.
#11
Exasperated dragon on the field of

battle:
"Mother said there would be knights like this."
#12
What do you give a deer with an upset

stomach?
Elkaseltzer.
#13
Turtle to turtle: "Don't ya just love
the sound
of rain on your roof?"
#14
Why don't lobsters share?
They're
shellfish.
#15
Q:
What did the emu say to the
nurse?
A: Mend her bones or walk the plank
#16
Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce

Smokey the Bear?
A. Because every time she got hot, he'd beat
her with a shovel!
#17
What are the most athletic
rodents?
Track and field mice.
#18
What would you get if you crossed a
grizzly with
the world's greatest basketball player?
Bear
Jordan.
#19
Why was the young kangaroo thrown out
by his mother?
For smoking in bed.
#20
What purrs along the road and leaves
holes in
the lawn?
A Moles Royce.