A little nine year old girl
church with her mother when she started
feeling ill. "Mommy," she said.
"Can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I
have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and to the back of
the church and throw up
behind a bush." In about two minutes the
little girl returned to her
"Did you throw up?" her mother
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have
gone all the way to the back of the church
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little
"They have a box next to the front door that says,
Three Pastors from the south were having
lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya
know, since summer started I've
been having trouble with bats in my
and attic at church.
I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing
seems to scare them
Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in
my belfry and
the attic. I've even had the place fumigated,
and they won't go
The third said, "I baptized all
mine, and made them members of the
church... Haven't seen one back
While leading the Friday evening
services, the Rabbi noticed a member of
the congregation, Bernie, walk in
with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi,
horrified, asked the Cantor to
continue the service and went to talk to
Rabbi: "What are
doing here with a dog?"
Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."
come on." says the Rabbi.
"YES!" says Bernie.
Rabbi: "I don't
believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not
thing to do in temple."
Bernie: "Its true!"..
"Ok", says the Rabbi,
"then show me what the dog can do."
"OK" says Bernie nodding to the
dog...The dog proceeds to open up the
barrel under his neck and
removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on
head) and prayer book
and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The
Rabbi is so
shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his
composure, he is so impressed with the
of the praying he
says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust
"YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"
A little Catholic
kid was praying as
hard as he could.
'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a
Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was
'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.'
answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his
parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the
mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls
tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at
of his closet.
'Okay, God,' he said, getting
down onto his knees again, 'if you
to see your
Jesus and Moses
are sitting in a boat
fishing and Jesus says to Moses "I
want to do a miracle so we can
feel like the good old days." and Moses
says "Yeah sure." So Jesus
gets up and says "I think I'll walk on
water, that was always
a good one." So Jesus walks over to the edge of
into the water, and sinks like a stone. Moses drags Jesus
into the boat and revives him. Moses then says "What's the problem?"
Jesus says, "I think its the holes in my feet!"
Several years ago, the
required women to wear a head
covering in order to enter the
sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived
without her head covering. The priest
informs her that she
cannot enter without it.
A few moments
later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to
her head. The
shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to
enter this holy place
without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine
right," she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but
you still must
wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and
a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang the
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic
A: He sold his soul to Santa.
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy
(a Catholic hospital),
and taken quickly in for coronary surgery.
The operation went
well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness,
reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun,
patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend
pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Then can you pay in cash?"
persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
do you have any close relatives?" the nun
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's
humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are
not spinsters -
they are married to God."
Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send
the bill to my brother-in
Paul says to Jesus, "Hey man, whatcha doing
Jesus says, "Just hanging around."
Easter is approaching. Father O'Maley
checks estimates for the flower
decoration of the altar.
catholic florist - $ 300. "Too expensive" moans the priest.
protestant florist - $ 250, "No, it would not be right to buy at
Christian believer, especially as the price difference is
small." But lo! Solly Goldberg - $ 75!!!
Religion or economics? After
much consideration, Solly obtains the
On Easter Sunday
morning, Goldberg's men deliver the flowers:
azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O'Maley's last
reservations are discarded.
When the parishioners arrive in the church, they
see the magnificent
flower arrangement and a ribbon with the
"Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always stay the
The priest was preparing a man for his long
day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said,
"Denounce the Devil! Let him know
how little you think of his
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still
the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to
denounce the Devil and his
The dying man said, "Until I
know where I'm heading, I don't think I
ought to aggravate
local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled
the town tavern.
"Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll
not be seeing you in Heaven
slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"
On the steps of this church two pan handlers
business. One wore a large cross on his
chest and the other - a star
of David. Of course, most of the church
goers generously gave to the
cross wearer and the other was
Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he
off the star of David maybe he'd get some more hand
"Get this guy, Chaim" laughs the pan handler and turns to his
wearing pal, "He's trying to teach *us* how to do business!"
A few years ago, when
church reform began to be much
in the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs.
Finkelstein, "Tell me,
Becky, have you heard by chance what's going
on in Rome?"
"No," said Mrs Finkelstein. "I haven't. What's going
on in Rome?"
"A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other
decided that the Jews are not responsible for the
Mrs Finkelstein raised her eyebrows. "Indeed? And
who is responsible,
"I'm not sure," said Mrs. Moskowitz.
"I think they suspect the
Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what
portion of the
weekly collection they kept for themselves. The
explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a
paces back and pitched the money towards the circle.
landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the
except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest
the money that landed inside the circle god kept.
The rabbi said,
"I've got you both beat. I throw the money
into the air and what god
wants, god takes."
When this guy heard that the Pope was coming
to town, he went
out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the
Pope might notice
him on the parade route. When he went to the parade,
this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on.
the guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to
bum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy went
to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his
day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum.
Sure enough, when
the Pope came, he stopped in front of this
guy, and whispered in his
ear, "I thought I told you to get
the hell out of here!"
Sister Mary burst into the office of the
principal of Our Lady
of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an
advanced state of
agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "
Now just calm
down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well,
father" the nun
began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and
heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has
me so excited, father" replied the nun,
"it was WHAT they were
wagering ON! They had wagered on a
contest to see who could urinate the
highest on the wall!!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the
priest, "What did you
"Well, I hit the CEILING,
"How much did you win?"
There was an old
woman on a plane,
sitting next to
the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane
being rocked by some severe turbulence. So this
kindly old lady
looked upon Death's door, and said
to her papal neighbour. 'Father,
surely you can
do something about this...'
To which the Pope
replied, 'Sorry lady, I'm in
sales, not management.'
A priest and a
rabbi operated a church
and a synagogue
across the street from each other. Since their
intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
they did. They drove it home and parked it in the
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out
and saw the
priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't
a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was
"I'm blessing it" the priest replied.
The rabbi replied "Oh," then
he ran back into the synagogue.
He reappeared a few minutes later
with a hack saw, ran to the
car and cut off the last 2 inches of the