An old rabbi
is talking with one of his
says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts
"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"
rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three
The friend looks at him quizically.
"Seven?" he asks. "I could
understand six, but..."
"What do you think" says the rabbi, "that I
do this for
A minister was asked by a
"Name something the government can do to help the church."
minister replied, "Quit making one dollar bills."
What language do the
What is the meaning of life?
evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
Is there a
A billion Hindus
can't be wrong.
walked into a gift shop that sold
religious items. Near
the cash register he saw a display of caps
printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the
could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the
The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would
Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash
rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the
The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm damn
Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."
Johnny is walking along and a priest is
coming the other way. Johnny says,
"Hey, mister, why are you
wearing your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't
his collar backwards."
The priest says "You don't
understand, son. I have thousands of
Johnny says, "You
should wear your trousers backwards."
A little boy
was learning about God in
his church, and he was talking to
his mother about it. She, not
wanting to place prejudice in the little
boy's mind, sat him and said:
"God is not a man or a woman, and God
To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?"
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it
own an equally
fundamentally Christian pet. So,
they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed,
they found a dog
liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog
to fetch the Bible, he did
in a flash. When they instructed
him to look up Psalm 23, he complied
equally fast, using his paws
with dexterity. They were impressed,
purchased the animal, and went
home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They
were so proud of their new
fundamentalist dog and his major skills,
they called the dog and showed
off a little.
The friends were
impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do
usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they
hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounce
d the command,
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put
his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in concentration, and
bowed his head.
Before performing a baptism, the priest
young father and
said solemnly, "Baptism is a
serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My
wife has made appetizers and we
caterer coming to
provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our
mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when
he passed away,
himself greeted him at the pearly gates
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat,"
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and
the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were
again said, "I could eat."
Once again, a
can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below
noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna
Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be be
in heaven as a
reward for the good life I lived. But, this is
heaven, and all I get to
eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they e
at like Kings. I just don't
"To be honest,
Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does
A priest was vested in his surplus and
cassock ready to process at the
beginning of the service. His
surplus was very ornate and he was
the incense pot which had
smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on
said, "Darling, I love your dress; but your purse is on
One day God called the Pope, and he
"John Paul I have good news and
bad news. First the good news. I am
tired of all the squabbling between
the religions. I have decided
there will be only the one true
The Pope was
overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, then
the bad news?". God said the bad news is that I am calling
Salt Lake City.
the airplane on his way back to Rome,
the Pope was doing a crossword
puzzle. After a while, he turned the
the bishop sitting next to him and
"What's a four -letter
word ending in "unt" which means "woman"?
The bishop said,
you try "aunt"?
The Pope said,
"Mmmm. Do you have an eraser?"
a Dominican and a Franciscan
were walking along an old road,
debating the greatness of their
orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the
Holy Family appeared in front of
them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary
Joseph praying over
him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come
awe at the
of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his
Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy
Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his
and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school?
can you tell if someone is half
Catholic and half Jewish?
A. When he goes to confession, he takes a
lawyer with him.
Two nuns were driving alone out in the
boonies. They ran out of gas.
Fortunately they could walk to a gas
station not far away, where they
asked to purchase a can of
gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the
attendant, "but all I have for you
to carry it in is an old chamber
pot. The nuns agreed that this
would be fine. They returned to the car.
As they were pouring the
gasoline into the tank, a man drove by,
his car, and said,
"Oh sister, if only I had your faith."
And Jesus said unto his disciples,
do men say
that I am?"
And His disciples answered unto Him,
thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation
omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute,
And Jesus said, "What?"
A preacher was completing
sermon: with great
expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the
take it and throw it into the river."
greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine
in the world,
I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he
said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the
world, I'd take it and
throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood
very cautiously and announced with
a smile, "For our closing song,
let us sing Hymn # 365:
"Shall We Gather at the River."
The church was conducting its annual fund
drive. One member of the
congregation said, "I give ten dollars."
Just then, a piece of
fell from the ceiling and landed on
his head. He spoke up again
"I give a thousand
The minister said, "Lord, hit him again!"