#1
A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers

asked the students to learned one fact about Jesus by the following

Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she
had
learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby
said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny
said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know
how
to
drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that,
Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving
down the
highway,
and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of
us and Daddy yelled at
him,
'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn
how to drive?'"
#2
Q. How do you make holy water?
A. Boil
the hell out of it.
#3
Who designed Noah's ark?
An ark-itect
!
#4
What's the moral of the story
about
Jonah and the whale ?
You can't keep a good man down !
#5
Who was the best actor in the bible

?
Samson, he brought the house down !
#6
God is sitting up in his ivory
tower,
he's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the
number
one, so he's decided to go on holiday. He calls all his super-being

mates up and they pop around to discuss a few suggestions. "What about

Mars," says one of them. "Nah I went there 15,000 years ago," says

God, "it was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty." "What about
Pluto,"
suggests another. "Nah I went there about 10,000 years ago," says

God. "Fucking freezing it was too." "What about Mercury," says

another. "It's nice but I went there about 5,000 years ago, I nearly
burnt
me bollox off it was that hot, never again," says God. "What
about
Earth then," suggests another. "You must be joking," says God,
"I went
there about 2,000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish bird,
and they're
still bloody talking about it."
#7
Three Pastors from the south were having

lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been

having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've
tried
everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.


Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my
belfry and
in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they
won't go
away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and
made them members of the
church... Haven't seen one back since!"
#8
Who is the fastest runner in
history.
Adam - because he was the first in the human race.
#9
What did Adam do when he wanted some
sugar?
He raised Cain.
#10
At what time of day was Adam born?
Just
before Eve.
#11
What's black and
white, black and
white, black and white?
A nun rolling down a hill.
#12
Jill: Have you read the Bible?
Jack: No,
I'm waiting for the film to come round.
#13
Examiner: I think you know very little, if

anything at all, about the Bible. Can you quote any passage?


Student: 'Judas departed and went and hanged himself.'


Examiner: Well, that's a surprise. Can you quote another?

Student:
'Go thou and do likewise.'
#14
How do Religious Education
teachers mark
exams?
With spirit levels.
#15
A kindergarten teacher was observing her

classroom of children while
they were drawing. She walked around to
look at the artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working
diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.

The girl replied,
"I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one
knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up
from her drawing the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
#16
What do you get when you cross a Jehova's

witness with a
business man?

A door to door salesman!
#17
The congregation was sitting and waiting for

the preacher
to began his sermon when two masked men burst into
the
church and said "Whoever is not willing to take a bullet
for
Jesus better leave now." More than half of the
congregation jumped
up and ran out the door.

The two men took off their masks, sat
in the front row
and said, "Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All
the
hyprocrites are gone."
#18
Morris was passing a small courtyard and
heard voices
murmuring.
He went in and saw an altar with a large
zero in the middle and
a banner that said 'N I L'.
White-robed
people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns
to The Great
Nullity ,The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero in
the Sky.
Morris
turned to a white-robed observer beside him and wispered,
....
...... "Is Nothing Sacred?"
#19
At the first session of a conversion class
the
minister conducting the class asked, "What must
we do before
we can expect forgiveness from sin?"

After a long silence, one
of the men in attendance
raised his hand and said:

"Sin?"
#20
Knowing that the minister was very fond of
cherry brandy, one of the
church elders offered to present him with
a bottle on one consideration
-
that the pastor acknowledge
receipt of the gift in the church paper.

"Gladly," responded the
good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later,
the elder turned at
once to the "appreciation" column. There he read:
"The minister
extends
his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of
fruit and for the spirit in
which it was given."