What has dual airbags and has lots of
A: The White House.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of
its own revolution.
A Congressman was once asked about his
attitude toward whiskey.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the
mind, pollutes the body,
desecrates family life, and inflames
sinners, then I'm against it."
"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas
cheer, the shield against
winter chill, the taxable potion that
puts needed funds into public
coffers to comfort little crippled
children, then I'm for it."
"This is my final position, and I will not
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a
party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's
replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?" lawyer asked.
"Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day
I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I
'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go,"
QUESTION: Name the loser in the 1976
ANSWER: The American people.
QUESTION: How long does a United States
ANSWER: Until he gets caught.
Osama bin Laden threatened Russia:
you get caught up in this war... I'll hide from you
Once a madman said, "Do you know there is a
on between India and Bharat?
Another madman said,
"Why should we worry, we live in Hindustan."
Japanese man was boasting about how
his country had such advanced medical
technology. He said, "We take
the lungs out of a man, perform an
operation, put the lungs back in,
and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for
said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take
the heart out
of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in
The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney
out of a
man, put into another man's body and have them looking
for work in 2
The American says, "Well hell, that's
nothin'. We had an idiot taken
out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse
and now half the country is
lookin' for work!"
George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are
having a conversation via Al
Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George
Bush, "There is no point of
engaging in further war. I can see
total peace in the future!"
George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell
me what you see?"
Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new
great buildings on one
side and beautiful new buildings on the
other side, and everything is
peaceful and wonderful."
Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I
for the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there,
a small building here and small building there, but there are signs
hanging in the middle of the street."
Osama asks, "And what
do they say?"
George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't
Two political candidates were having a
hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other,
"What about the powerful interest that controls you?"
other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of
At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was
addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a
"That is absurd," Gore stoically stated. "When elected, the people
of America will see just how passionate and alive I truly
Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper, "Honey, you
have a pigeon on your head."
Why are Vampires Democrats?
Gore in 2000.
Why is Congress like a cold?
sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it and sometimes the no's
A small boy was
asked by his teacher,
"What is the size of the Democratic Party?"
"About 5 feet 2 inches,"
he replied promptly. "NO!" exploded the
teacher.. "I mean, how MANY
members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2
replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and
every night he puts his
hands to his chin and says.. "I've had it up to
HERE with the
A first grade teacher explained to her class
that she is a liberal
Democrat. She asks her students to raise
their hands if they were
liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing
what a liberal Democrat was, but
wanting to be like their teacher,
their hands flew up into the air.
There was one exception. A girl
named Lucy had not gone along with the
crowd. The teacher asks her
why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a liberal
"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"
I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl.
teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy
why she is a conservative Republican.
"Well, I was brought up to
trust in myself instead of relying on an
intrusive government to
care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and
conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican
The teacher, now angry, loudly says, "That's no reason! What if
Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron? What would you be
The teacher paused and smiled.
"Then," Lucy said,
"I'd be a liberal Democrat."
An aircraft is about to crash. There are
five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The
passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA
player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I
died." So he
takes the first parachute and jumps.
passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the
President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman
world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future
President". She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
passenger, George W. Bush, says, "I am the President of the
of America. I have a huge responsibility in world
apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the
the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to
So he takes a parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, th
e Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year
old schoolboy, "I
am already old. I have already lived my life, as a
good person and
a priest I will give you the last parachute".
The boy replies
"No problem your Pope-ness, there is also a parachute
America's most intelligent President has taken my
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown
He saw a man standing near the curb, and
asked, "Listen, I'm going to
be only a couple of minutes. Would you
watch my car while I run into
"What?" the man
huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But
I'm really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust you
The President is running down the street one
day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her
He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl,
I think that it's
wonderful that you're doing such a good
The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a
Bill declines and jogs onward.
The next day Billy jogs past the same
girl and decides to talk to
her again. "You know what, little girl? I
think I'll take one of
those puppies after all, seeing as how they're
girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any
more. They're Republican now."
Bill says, "They are? How do you
know? As a matter of fact, how did
you know that they were
Democrats at first to begin with?"
She says, "Well, just after they were
born they were Democrats, but
now their eyes are open."
A cargo plane is in
mid-flight over the
ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to
armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot,
navigator, and a
passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why?}
he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South
America!") The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said,
this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the
The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and
buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the
sea and you'll
die along with the rest of us."
hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head
said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all
over the place."
The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the
gun aside and said,
"Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart
and he could keel over at the
shock of my being killed. So if you
shoot me, this plane will still
crash right into the sea and
you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it
for a moment and then held the gun to the
navigator's head and
repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna
spill HIS brains all
over the place."
The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the
gun aside and said, "I
wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other
two guys have no sense of
direction. Without me they couldn't find
their way out of a paper bag
much less get this plane to Iraq. So
if you shoot me, this plane will
still crash right into the sea and
you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought
some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to
head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm
gonna spill HIS
brains all over the place."
No one said a word, at first,
then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator
all brust into laughter.
"He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He
doesn't have any