A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident
- body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces
and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on
bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard"
doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..."
Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is
looking at him
as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."
A man pulls up to the curb and asks the
policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these
"They didn't ask!"
While the pope was
visiting the USA, he
told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge
to drive. The
driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream
questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel,
driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing
between 70 and 80 mph, when a
policeman happened to see them. As he
pulled them over, he called in to
headquarters reporting a speeding
limo, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked: "Who is in the limo,
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than
Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the
The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
answered: "No, someone even more important than the
This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is m
important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly
wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I
don't know who is this
guy, but he has the pope as his
When Mike got arrested, they told him,
"Anything you say will be held
Mike said, "Claudia
I went to
the store the other day. I was
only in there for about five minutes,
and when I came out there was a
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and
said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a
stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
Then I really got angry at him.
He finished the second ticket and put
it on the car with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for
about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the
HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies
changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.
On a narrow mountain's road a man saw a police
- Hi guys. Why are you driving
- Because we are not sure that we will find the place to
make u-turn on
the top of the mountain.
After one hour the same man
saw the same police car driving downhill
guys, why are you driving backwards again?
- We have found the place
to make u-turn up there.
- Santa Claus, one
smart and one stupid
policeman are walking together when they spotted
hundred dollars on
the ground. Who will take the money?
- Stupid policeman,
since Santa Claus and the smart policeman don't
Q: Why would it be
difficult to be a police
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
Q: What problems would
you face if you were
arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the
highway you're on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting
me know. I'll be more
At this point the cop looks
in the backseat where the other nuns are
shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back
They're shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just
got off of highway 119.
Recently, a distraught wife went to the local
police station, along with
her next-door neighbor, to report that
her husband was missing. The
policeman asked for a description of the
The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot
4-inches, has dark eyes,
dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185
pounds, is soft-spoken, and
is good to the children."
next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches,
bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
"I'm afraid that I'm going to
have to lock you up for the night."
Man: "What's the
Polceman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the
horoscope read, "You're going places
and you can't be stopped."
Apparently the cop who gave me a
ticket hadn't read it.
A police officer pulls a guy
speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended
when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of
it, I think I saw the
owner's card in the glove box when I was
putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed
woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached
driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I
see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine,
officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's
a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said
there's a body
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in
glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several
weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every
summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there
week or two.
One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian
friend to visit him. The
friend, happy to get anything free from a
lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the
time came, they spent a wonderful
time, getting up early every morning
and enjoying the great
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were
raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were
by two huge bears--a male and a female.
lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however,
not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him
Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the
nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his hig
rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer.
All the while,
he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his
friend's family. He just
had to save his friend.
bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the
pointing to the male.
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and
shot the female.
"What did you do that
for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who
you that the Czech was in the male?"
Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were
driving along in their car when Trouble
suddenly hurled himself out
of the window.
Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do
so they went to the
police station. When they got there the chief
asked them their names.
"Shut Up", replied Shut
"Stupid", replied Stupid.
The police chief thought these people were
telling him to shut up, and
were calling him stupid. Which made him
very mad. "Excuse Me!"
shouted the chief.
Thinking the chief
was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there
The police chief was very riled. He
then asked" Are you looking for
Stunned at the
idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for
they replied,"Why yes, how did you know?"
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde
robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the
The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.
kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop
its only a cat"
He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says,
"woof, woof". The cop
says, "its only a dog".
He kicks the
third bag, and the blonde says, "potato"
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two
He walks up to the drivers window and asks, "You
The driver said, "You buyin'?"
While driving down the
road the motorist
saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting
umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The
passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All
sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune
teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to
slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car
suddenly began slapping and beating her.
passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the
After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, "What do
think you're doing?"
After a moment the man replied, ... "Well,
I've always wanted to
strike a happy medium."