When is a parent like a child?
When he's a
What do young ghosts
call their parents?

Deady and Mummy.
Q: How much does it cost to get married,
A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
A small boy is sent to bed by his

[Five minutes later]



"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had
your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]



"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later]



"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of

A very successful businessman had a meeting
with his new
son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you
into the family,"
said the man. "To show you how much we care for
you, I'm making you a
50-50 partner in my business. All you have to
do is go to the factory
every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the


"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll
work in the
office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being

stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the
father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner
of a moneymaking
organization, but you don't like factories and won't
work in a office. What
am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me
Martin had just received his brand new drivers
license. The family troops
out to the driveway, and climbs in the
car, where he is going to take
them for a ride for the first time.
Dad immediately heads for the back
seat, directly behind the newly
minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of
scenery after all
those months of sitting in the front passenger
seat teaching me how to
drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the
of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me
all these
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young
son stop urinating
in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother
lectured him, "that from time to time,
young children will urinate
in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving

A man observed a woman in the grocery store
with a three year old
girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie
section, the child asked
for cookies and her mother told her "no."
The little girl immediately
began to whine and fuss, and the mother
said quietly, "Now Ellen, we
just have half of the aisles left to go
through; don't be upset. It
won't be long."

He passed the
Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little
girl began
to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any,
began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry.
two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where
little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a

terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.

The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this ch
eck out
stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a
nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and
stopped the woman to
compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how
patient you were with
little Ellen..."

The mother broke in,
"My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an

aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her
sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what was

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and
said: "Why, he's a public servant and
shouldn't say things to
insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back
up there and give
him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good
idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your
There was this little kid who had a bad

habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he

didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

Two weeks later, his
mother had her friends over for a game of bridge.
The boy points to
an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I
know what you've
been doing!"
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks

to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no
electricity. When the doctor arrived,
no one was home except for the
laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child
to hold a lantern high so he could see,
while he helped the woman
deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a
little while, the
doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and
spanked him on the bottom to
get him to take his first

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the

"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up

there in the first place!"
There was a woman who was pregnant with

twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into

a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached.

While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person
to name her children was her brother.

When the mother
came out of her coma to find she had given birth and
that her
brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he
a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something
or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the

He said, "The first one was a girl."

The mother: "What
did you name her?!?"

Brother: "Denise!"

The Mom: "Oh,
wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"

Brother: "The
second one was a boy."

The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name

Brother: "Denephew."
expectant fathers were in a
Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while
their wives were in

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations

sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man
said with some obvious pride. "I work
for the Minnesota Twins
baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the
second man,
"You, sir, are the father of triplets."

that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I
work for
the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live
one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing
cigars around, the
nurse came back. This time, she turned to the
third man, who had been
quiet in the corner. She announced that his
wife had just given birth to
quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could

"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't
believe it,
I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing
this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy,
who had just
fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side
after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse
asked, "Sir, are you all right?"

"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k.
now. I just had a shocking thought. I
work at the 7-11 Store."
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his

first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was
at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel
the movements of the unborn
child. The six-year old was obviously
impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his
teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the
boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever
has become of that baby
brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into
tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
Kids can sometimes ask the toughest

Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?

Father: Ok

Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the

doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or
does the
doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to

Father: !!!??????!!!
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed
wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you
have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't
think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want
For two solid hours, the lady
sitting next
to a man on an airplane had told him about her
grandchildren. She
had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire
conversation on
her grandchildren.

"Oh, I've done all the
talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you
certainly have something to
say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my
On a
flight to Florida, I was preparing my
notes for one of the parent-education
seminars I conduct as an
educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me
explained that she was returning
to Miami after having spent two weeks
visiting her six children, 18
grandchildren and ten
great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional


Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said,
"If there's
anything you want to know, just ask me."
When our second child was on the way, my wife
and I
attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at

least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the
news to the older
child. It went like this:

"Some parents,"
she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so
much we decided to
bring another child into this family.' But think
about that.
Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said,
'Honey, I love
you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the
women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came
out of
his front door onto the porch.

Someone dialed 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness
asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was
enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for
the keys
to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out
the lawn mower."