A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a
near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks
retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year
began. The very
next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful,
enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on
every trash can they
encountered. The crashing percussion continued
day after day, until finally
the wise old man decided it was time
to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet
the young percussionists as
they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You
kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you
express your exuberance like
that. In fact, I used to do the same
thing when I was your age. Will you do
me a favor? I'll give you
each a dollar if you'll promise to come
around every day and do your
thing." The kids were elated and continued
to do a bang-up jo
b on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted
the kids again, but this time
he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told
them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but
they did accept his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few
days later, the wily
retiree approached them again as they drummed
their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received
my Social Security check yet,
so I'm not going to be able to give
you more than 25 cents. Will that
quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're
going to waste
our time, beating these cans around for a quarter,
you're nuts! No
way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing
problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and
the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went
back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will
For the first time in many
years, a an old
man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to
purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help
but comment, "The last
time I came to the movies, popcorn was only
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin,
going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."
man visits his doctor and after
thorough examination the doctor tells
him: "I have good news and bad
news, what would you like to hear
Patient: "Well, give
me the bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate
that you have about two years
Patient: "OH NO! That's
awefull! In two years my life will be over!
What kind of good news
could you probably tell me, after this???"
Doctor: "You also have
Alzheimer's. In about three months you are
going to forget
everything I told you."
Three old ladies met on the street on a very
day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty
hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third.
"Let's go and have a drink!"
An elderly lady did her shopping and,
returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with
her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding
to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know
how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !"
The four men
didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran
whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her
bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She
tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later
found her own car parked four or five spaces farther
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter,
where four pale
white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad
described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and
curly white hair carrying
a large handgun.
Q: Why did the old lady put wheels on her
A: She wanted to rock and roll