One day a lady was driving on the
She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed
within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror,
much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make
matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She
to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding.
drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license
So, she pulled over and the police car
pulled over to the side right
behind her car. She drove her car
slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down
the window, and prepared for a
ticket when she knew she didn't deserve
it. A policeman walked up to
her window, and spoke to her. The lady
pointed to her ear and shook
her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman
smiled slightly, and
knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm
tell you that your horn is stuck."
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith
and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her
porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived
an atheist who would get so angry at her
proclamations he would
shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly
lady, and she prayed for GOD to send
her some assistance. She stood
on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE
LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM
HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME
next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag
of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped
from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you
there was no Lord. I
bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping
up and down and clapping her hands and said,
"PRAISE THE LORD. He
not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil
pay for them.
Praise the Lord!"
Two police officers saw this old woman
staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too
much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just
her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the
gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove
through the streets
they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she
would say as she
stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They
drove awhile longer
and asked again, again the same response as she
stroked his arm "Your
Passionate". The officers were getting a
little upset so they stopped
the car and said to the woman, Look we
have driven around this City for
two hours and you still haven't told
us where you live. She replied I
keep trying to tell you: "Your
A small town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
rising big shot
when you haven't the brains to realize you never
will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known
Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him
for his parents. And he,too,
has been a real disappointment to
me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
drinking problem. The man can't
build a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one
of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I
this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both
counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace,
"If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for
contempt within 5 minutes!"
couples were enjoying friendly
conversation when one of the men asked the
other, "Fred, how was
the memory clinic you went to last month?"
replied. "They taught us all the latest
techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile
broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call
with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the
An elderly widow and
widower were dating
for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her
She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, he
couldn't remember what her answer
was! "Was she happy? I think so,
wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of
trying to remember to no avail, he got on the
telephone and gave her a
call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't
remember her answer
to the marriage proposal.
"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you
called. I remembered saying
'yes' to someone, but I couldn't
remember who it was."
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling
his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every
in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he
gave a horse. To the houses
where the woman is the boss, a chicken
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown
horse," the farmer said, "which
one would you like?"
thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get
the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken."
said the farmer.
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking
chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how
happy you look," she said. "What's
your secret for a long happy
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also
case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
There was an old man
whose family could no
longer afford to take care of him. So the family
decided that a
nusring for the aged would be appropriate.
Of course the old man
rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced
that it was the
right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he
spent most of his
time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A
later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First
day I see".
The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the
two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began
to drag on,
the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers,
and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full
peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help
herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with eac
h other, the orderly kept
eating more helpings of the peanuts. She
look at her watch and noticed that
nearly 2 hours had passed and
said, "My goodness, the time has gone by
quickly. I have to tend to
other people here too." "That's okay.",
said the old man, "I feel
so much better being able to talk to
someone." Looking into the bowl
the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate
almost all of your peanuts!"
The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever
since I got these false
teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off
Three old men are
sitting on the porch of
a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I
got real problems.
I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven
o'clock I get up and
I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They
give me all
kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says,
"You think you have problems. I'm eighty
years old. Every morning
at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try
all day long. They
give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old.
at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my
Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
you are young, you want to be the
master of your fate and the captain of
your soul. When you are older,
you will settle for being the master of
your weight and the captain
of your bowling team.
I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass
surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and
diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,
to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have
lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I
still have my Florida driver's license!
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old
woman: "And what
do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
they hadn't heard
anything for days from the widow in the neighboring
apartment, Mrs. Silver
said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door
and see how old
Mrs. Kirkland is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except
that she's angry at you."
"At me?" the woman exclaimed.
"She said 'It's none of your business how old she
elderly women were out driving in a
large car-both could barely see over the
dashboard. As they were
cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but
they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought
to herself "I must be losing it, I could have
sworn we just went
through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to
another intersection and the
light was red again and again they went
right though. This time the woman
in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but
was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous and
decided to pay very close
attention to the road and the next
intersection to see what was going
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was
definitely red and
they went right through and she turned to the other
woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through thre
e red lights in a row! You
could have killed us!"
turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
The Senate is investigating
sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and
think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they
see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down
to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal,
an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully
hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him,
her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of
the soft drink
into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then
began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her
hands folded in her
The young man decided to ask if
they would allow him to purchase
another meal for them so that they
didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no.
We've been married 50 years, and
everything has always been and will
always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if
she was going to eat, and she
replied, "It's his turn with the
An 80 year
old couple were having problems
remembering things, so they decided to
go to their doctor to get
checked out to make sure nothing was wrong
with them. When they
arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the
doctor about the
problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple
out, the doctor tells them that they were
physically okay but might
want to start writing things down and make notes
to help them
remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair
wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should
write it down so you
can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can
She then says, "Well, I also would like
some strawberries on top. You
had better write that down cause I
know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you
want a bowl of ice cream with
"Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you
that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice,
he says, "I don't need to write that
down, I can remember that." He
then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns
from the kitchen and hands her a
plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my
An elderly woman
from Brooklyn decided to
prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi
she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
Three ladies were discussing the
of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar
mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator,
and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes
I find myself on the
landing of the stairs and can't remember
whether I was on my way up or
on my way down."
The third one
responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that
Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and
"That must be the door, I'll get it!"