Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't
They would put them down somewhere and forget where
A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed
a small check, and started
out. Passing the armed guard, she
smiled and said, "You can go home
How do you get four old ladies to say the F
Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!
"What's wrong, sonny?"
asked the old
timer sympathetically, coming over
to the little kid who was sitting on
the curb, crying his heart out.
"I'm crying 'cause I can't do
what the big boys do!" So the old
down and wept too.
What's the best thing about turning
No more calls from insurance salesmen.
old guys decided they would go
out and try to play a round of
golf together. They get on the first
tee and the first old guy says to
second, "My eyesight
isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball
second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."
So the first
old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns
buddy and says, "Did you see it?".
"Sure!", says his
"Where did it go?", the first guy asks.
The second old man thinks for a
minute and says, "I can't
What's the worst thing about having to kiss
When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the
The 75 year old man and his young, knockout
shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the
oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous
bending over the counter to try on a necklace,
the friend asked "How in
the hell did YOU land a wife
like that?" The old man whispered back,
"Easy. I told her I was
Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker
quietly sat down
next to the grieving widow. "How old was your
"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly.
"Two years oder
than I am."
"Really?" the undertaker said.
"Hardly worth going home,
wouldn't you say?"
A tiny but
dignified old lady was among a
group looking at an
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery.
contemporary painting caught her eye.
earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is
smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed
to be a
mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady,
A little Italian grandfather comes
The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to
He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"
A strained voice called out through the
theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled
her daughter to stand next to her,
"Good, are any of you doctors
single and interested in
a date with a good, Jewish girl?"
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she
became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of
apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the
charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything
to say to
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured
that at 92, if
he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"
An old lady was standing at the railing of the
cruise ship holding
her hat on tight, so that it would not blow
off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me,
madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress
up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the
lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this
A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was
cabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by
sickness. In a panic she rushed into the corridor and
headed for the
bathroom. It was not until she collided
with an elderly gentleman that
she realized she didn't
have a stitch of clothing on. Horrified,
she let out a
shriek. Her fellow sufferer looked at her
"Don't let it bother you, miss," he moaned. "I'll never
live to tell
A group of senior
citizens were exchanging
notes about their ailments.
"My arm is so weak I can hardly
hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I
can't see to pour the
"I can't turn my head because
of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still
One day, an out-of-work man knocks on the door
of a home in an upper-class neighborhood. The lady of the house
answers. "Pardon me Mam, Im out of work and looking for any odd jobs
people need done. I'm very handy with everything from repairs
work, to painting..."
"Painting?" the woman jumped
"Oh, yes, Ma'am! Im a very careful painter," the man
face brightening at the realization she could provide him
"I'll tell you what. My husband just bought some
green paint last
week to paint the porch out back with, but we
haven't had any time. If
you can do a good job, then you can paint it
before he gets home and
"Now, do a particularly
good job and paint the trimmings white also,
and I'll pay you an
"Oh yes, Ma'am, I'll do an excellent job!" He
was told the paints
were also around back in the garage.
nA few hours later, the man returns to the door.
quick, did you do a good job?" the woman inquires.
"Oh yes Ma'am,
two coats! But there's something you should know,"
the man says.
"That's not a Porsche, thats a Mercedes!"
year old couple were having
problems remembering things, so they decided
to go to their doctor to
make sure nothing was wrong with them. When
they arrived at the
doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about
the problems they
were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out,
the doctor told them that they were
physically okay but might want
to start writing things down, making notes
to help them remember
things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night
while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair
and his wife
asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it
you can remember it?"
"No, I can remember that."
"Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had bett
write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife
"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with
She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped
cream on top. I know you
will forget that. You had better write it
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to
down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed
plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a
moment and said, "You forgot my
An elderly couple were
driving across the
country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and
asked, "What did
The old man yelled, "He says you
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then
see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and
went on a
blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".
Two elderly women were
staring at the
the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked
they needed any assistance with something, one
asked how they were
going to be able to reach way up
there to push the button for their