Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't
have babies.

They would put them down somewhere and forget where
they left
A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed

a small check, and started
out. Passing the armed guard, she
smiled and said, "You can go home
How do you get four old ladies to say the F

Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!
"What's wrong, sonny?"
asked the old
timer sympathetically, coming over
to the little kid who was sitting on
the curb, crying his heart out.
"I'm crying 'cause I can't do
what the big boys do!" So the old
man sat
down and wept too.
What's the best thing about turning

No more calls from insurance salesmen.
Two really
old guys decided they would go
out and try to play a round of
golf together. They get on the first
tee and the first old guy says to
second, "My eyesight
isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball
second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."
So the first
old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns
buddy and says, "Did you see it?".
"Sure!", says his
"Where did it go?", the first guy asks.
The second old man thinks for a
minute and says, "I can't
What's the worst thing about having to kiss

When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the
The 75 year old man and his young, knockout
shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the
oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous
bending over the counter to try on a necklace,
the friend asked "How in
the hell did YOU land a wife
like that?" The old man whispered back,
"Easy. I told her I was
Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker
quietly sat down
next to the grieving widow. "How old was your
husband?" he

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly.
"Two years oder
than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said.
"Hardly worth going home,
wouldn't you say?"
A tiny but
dignified old lady was among a
group looking at an
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery.
Suddenly one
contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on
earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is

smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed
to be a
mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady,
"why isn't
A little Italian grandfather comes
up to
The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to
He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"
A strained voice called out through the

theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled
her daughter to stand next to her,
"Good, are any of you doctors
single and interested in
a date with a good, Jewish girl?"
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to
find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she

became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of
apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the
court on
charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything
to say to
defend herself.

"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured
that at 92, if
he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"
An old lady was standing at the railing of the

cruise ship holding
her hat on tight, so that it would not blow
off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me,
madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress
is blowing
up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the
lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this
A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was
in her
cabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by
sickness. In a panic she rushed into the corridor and
headed for the
bathroom. It was not until she collided
with an elderly gentleman that
she realized she didn't
have a stitch of clothing on. Horrified,
she let out a
shriek. Her fellow sufferer looked at her
"Don't let it bother you, miss," he moaned. "I'll never
live to tell
A group of senior
citizens were exchanging
notes about their ailments.

"My arm is so weak I can hardly
hold this coffee cup."

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I
can't see to pour the

"I can't turn my head because
of the arthritis in my neck."

"My blood pressure pills make my

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still

One day, an out-of-work man knocks on the door

of a home in an upper-class neighborhood. The lady of the house

answers. "Pardon me Mam, Im out of work and looking for any odd jobs
people need done. I'm very handy with everything from repairs
to yard
work, to painting..."

"Painting?" the woman jumped

"Oh, yes, Ma'am! Im a very careful painter," the man
replied, his
face brightening at the realization she could provide him
some work.

"I'll tell you what. My husband just bought some
green paint last
week to paint the porch out back with, but we
haven't had any time. If
you can do a good job, then you can paint it
before he gets home and
surprise him.

"Now, do a particularly
good job and paint the trimmings white also,
and I'll pay you an
extra bonus."

"Oh yes, Ma'am, I'll do an excellent job!" He
was told the paints
were also around back in the garage.

nA few hours later, the man returns to the door.

"That was
quick, did you do a good job?" the woman inquires.

"Oh yes Ma'am,
two coats! But there's something you should know,"
the man says.

"That's not a Porsche, thats a Mercedes!"
An eighty
year old couple were having
problems remembering things, so they decided
to go to their doctor to
make sure nothing was wrong with them. When
they arrived at the
doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about
the problems they
were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out,
the doctor told them that they were
physically okay but might want
to start writing things down, making notes
to help them remember
things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night
while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair
and his wife
asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"


Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it
down so
you can remember it?"

"No, I can remember that."

"Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had bett
write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife

"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with


She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped
cream on top. I know you
will forget that. You had better write it

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to
write that
down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed
her a
plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a
moment and said, "You forgot my
An elderly couple were
driving across the
country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over
by the
highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and
asked, "What did
he say?"

The old man yelled, "He says you
were speeding!"

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did

The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then
said, "I
see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and
went on a
blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".
Two elderly women were
staring at the
numbers of
the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked
they needed any assistance with something, one
asked how they were
going to be able to reach way up
there to push the button for their