One day, a grandpa and his grandson
golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving

him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the

grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over
tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the
and lands not to far from where it started. "Of course," added
grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother

started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and
don't know where the hell she is.
A grandmother was telling her
granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate
on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in

our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she
said, "I
sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
Are you
getting older and wiser?
he's getting older and wider!
How can you tell that
you're getting old?

You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
Do you think my skin is starting to show its

"I can't tell. There are too many wrinkles."
Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a

new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab
the doctor said Edgar was doing "fairly well" for his

A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn't resist asking

the doctor, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

The doctor
asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"

"Oh no," Edgar
replied, "I've never done either."

Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat
rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued

Edgar said, "No, I've
heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!"

"Do you spend a
lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" the

"No, I don't," Edgar replied.

Then the doctor asked, "Do you
gamble, drive fast cars, or run around
with women?"

Edgar said, "I don't do any of those things."

The good doctor
looked at Edgar and said, "Then why the heck do you
want to live to
be 80?"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a
few times a week
to play cards.

One day they were playing
cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at
me... I know we've been friends for a long
time, but I just can't
remember your name. I've thought and thought, but
I can't recall
it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just looked at

she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
An 80-year-old man is having his annual
The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been
better!" he
replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and
having my
child! What
do you think about that?"

The doctor
considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell
you a
story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a
But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his

umbrella instead of his gun."

"So he's in the woods," the
doctor continues, "and suddenly a
grizzly bear appears in front of him!
He raises up his umbrella, points it
at the bear, and squeezes the
handle. The bear drops dead in front of
him, suffering from a
bullet wound in his its chest."

"That's impossible! Someone else
must have shot that bear," the man

"Grandma, why don't you
drink tea
anymore?" "I don't like it ever since that tea bag got
stuck in my
My grandma has so
many wrinkles she has to
screw her hat on.
Why is it easy to break in to an old man's

Because his gait is broken, and his locks are few.
How can you tell an old person from a young
An old person can sing and brush their teeth at the same
How old is your Grandma? I dunno, but we've
had him a
long time.
Fred: I haven't slept a wink for the past two
Harry: Why's that?
Fred: Granny broke her leg. The
doctor put it in plaster and told her
she shouldn't walk upstairs.
You should hear the row when she climbs up
the drainpipe.
An American tourist found himself in a sleepy
country village, and
asked one of the locals the age of the oldest
"Well, sir," replied the villager, "we ain't got one
now. He died
last week."
Grandpa: You youngsters are soft and lazy

today. When I was your age I got up at six o'clock every morning and

walked five or six miles before breakfast. I used to think nothing
of it.
Fred: I don't blame you, Grandpa. I wouldn't think,much of
Worried because they hadn't heard

anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver

said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs.

Kirkland is?"

A few minutes later, Timmy

"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"

"She's fine, except
that she's angrywith you."

"With me?" the woman exclaimed.
"Whatever for?"

"She said 'It's none of your business how old she
is,'" snickered
A wise old
gentleman retired and purchased
a modest home near a junior high
school. He spent the first few
weeks of his retirement in peace and
contentment. Then a new school
year began. The very next afternoon three young
boys, full of
youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street,
beating merrily
on every trash can they encountered. The crashing
continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it
time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet
the young percussionists as
they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You
kids are a lot of fun. I like to see
you express your exuberance like
that. In fact, I used to do the
same thing when I was your age. Will you do
me a favor? I'll give you
each a dollar if you'll promise to come
around every day and do
your thing." The kids were elated and continued
to do a bang-u
p job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer
greeted the kids again, but this time
he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he
them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to
beat on
the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased,
but they did accept his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily
retiree approached them again as they
drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't
received my Social Security check yet,
so I'm not going to be able
to give you more than 25 cents. Will that
be okay?"

"A lousy
quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're
going to
waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter,
nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.
Two 80 year old men are driving down the road
when they hear the Ex-Lax
commercial end with the statement: "It
makes you feel young again."

John looks at Sylvester and says,
"We need to pull over and get a
bottle of that stuff!"

Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of

Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.

About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young


"No," replies John.

So they pull over and take four
more tablespoons a piece and continue
to drive down the road.

A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel

"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"