#21
The producer of a low budget film is

trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work
by
telling him the big names they've gotten for the cast.


"First of all," he tells him, "We've got Gibson in the lead."


The director is surprised, "You got Mel Gibson?"

"Well, no,"
the Producer responds, "we got Marvin Gibson, he's a
distant cousin
who lives in Queens, but he's very up and coming. And
besides,
we've also got Redford."

"You got Robert Redford?" the director
asks.

"No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and
has lots of
acting experience from years of dinner theater. But," he
says
enthusiastically, " we've got Streisand and in a singing
role."

"Barbara Streisand?" he asks.

"No, Elizabeth
Streisand." The Producer responds. "But she's got a
great voice. AND
we've got Goulet."

"You got Robert Goulet?" the director asks.


"Yeah," the producer replies glumly, "we got Robert
Goulet."
#22
After a venerable career of endless,

stellar successes the greatest director who ever lived is in his prime
and
preparing for his most ambitious project ever when he
unexpectedly dies
and is called home to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the
gate.

"So sorry about your untimely death," he tells the
director. "But
God himself has called you home. You see, God wants you to
direct a movie
for Him."

The great man is humbled, "God
wants ME to direct a film?"

"Yes," St. Peter tells him. "And
we've arranged to have the best of
everything made available to you.
For example, the script is by William
Shakespeare."

The
director is stunned, "An original screenplay by William
Shakespeare?"


"Yes," St. Peter assures him, "And it's his greatest work ever."


"Wow!" says the Director, awe struck.

"Your Production
Designer will be Michaelangelo. We've got Leonardo
Da Vinci d
oing the sets, your musical score will be an original work by

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and your cast includes a young Laurence Olivier

and the greatest actors of all time in supporting roles."

The
Director can't believe it. "This is incredible," he says. "This

will be the greatest movie ever?"

St. Peter kind of shuffles his
feet. "Well," he says, "we do have
one tiny little problem."


"Problem?" says the director. "What kind of a problem?"

St.
Peter puts his arm around the director's shoulder, "Ya see," he

whispers, "God's got this girlfriend..."
#23
After a difficult day a struggling actor

returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of
police
and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.


Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?"

"Well,"
one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came
by your
house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife,

assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the

ground."

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in
disbelief...
"My agent came to my house?"
#24
After a difficult day a struggling actor

returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of
police and
fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.


Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?"

"Well,"
one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came
by your
house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife,

assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the

ground."

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in
disbelief...
"My agent came to my house?"
#25
Q: How many screenwriters
to make
"Titanic" a good movie?
A: One more than they had.
#26
Q: How can you tell the dumbest actress

working on a movie?
A: She's the one sleeping with the
writer.
#27
Q: What did the Production Manager give
his kids for
Christmas?
A: Nothing. But he promised he'd make
it up to them on the next
one.
#28
Q: How many
absurdist/surrealist
comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: November.
#29
Q: How many fire safety
guys dose it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One -- but it's an 8 hour
minimum.
#30
Q: How many UPM's does it take
to
screw in a light bulb?
A: None! If you'd just make it a day exterior
we wouldn't be screwing
around with all these damn light
bulbs!"
#31
Q: How many 2nd AD's does it take to

screw in a light bulb?
A: Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
#32
Q: How many 1st AD's does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Why are you asking me that question? Can't
you see I'm busy!
#33
Q: How many Sound Recordists
does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: WHAT?
#34
Q: How many Screenwriters does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!
#35
Q: How many Development Executives does
it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take notes while
the other screws it into the
faucet.
#36
Q: How many Development Executives does

it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Well, first let's talk
about the concept behind this whole "light
bulb" thing.
#37
Q: How many
Studio Executives does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. Light bulbs last
longer than studio executives.
#38
Q: How many Agents does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: Actually, agents will screw in just about
anything.
#39
Q: How many Executive Producers does it
take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Executive Producers don't
screw in a light bulb, they screw in a
hot tub.
#40
Q: How many over eager PA's does it take
to
screw in a li...
A: Done!