A draftee went in for his physical wearing a
truss and with a little convincing acting got his papers marked
for Medically Exempt.
Afterward a friend borrowed the
truss to wear for his physical. At the
end of the examination the
doctor stamped M.E. on his papers.
"Does that mean I'm medically
exempt?" he asked.
"No," answered the doctor. "M.E. stands for
Middle East. Anyone who
can wear a truss upside down can certainly ride
When the general comes, report to me
immediately. The general doesn't
show. The sergeant gets nervous and
every hour reminds the sentry to
report about the general's
arrival. Finally, the general comes in.
- Where have you been? asks
the sentry. The sergeant has already asked
about you four times.
Short-sighted sarge: "Attention! You also,
little one in the back row with the red cap!"
that's a hydrant!"
Sarge:"Anyway, in this place academics have
to obey as well."
A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and
put down maximum
liberty. The skeleton crew didn't notice a
chimpanzee, escaped from a
nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes
and up to the
smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the
engine room. It came across
a power panel opened up for
maintenance, couldn't read the warning
signs, and with a bright blue blast
shorted out the ship's electrical
system, and plunged the ship into
A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians
wander down with their
flashlights, looking for the problem. They come
upon the blackened body
of the chimp. They shine their flashlights
on its long, burnt arms.
They look at each other. They highlight its
short legs and odd feet. They
look at each other. Finally one says,
"Well, it's too hairy to be an
Electrician, the legs are too short
for a Hull Tech, and there would be
more tatoos on a Bo'su
n. Call the wardroom, see if one of the duty
During the Vietnam War, a hillbilly
soldier shot about a dozen of the enemy during his first battle.
Sergeant said, "How'd you learn to shoot like that ? Have you
been in combat before?"
"Well suh," drawled the boy, "To be
honest, this is my first public
Q: How many military information officers
does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At the present point in
time it is against policy and the best
interests of military strategy
to divulge information of such a statistical
nature. Next question,
Q: How many Pentagon procurement officers
does it take to change a
A: Look, for only $87 billion,
we can put up this chain of fluorescent
satellites that will
illuminate the whole planet.
Q: How many U.S
marines does it take to
screw in a light bulb ?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the
remaining 49 to guard him
Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the
Q: how many
vietnam vets does it take to
screw in a lightbulb?
A: YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN!!!
Q: How many British navy Officers does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him seven
weeks to get there.
The story goes that Air Force One was
over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base "Requesting
"What is you position?" asked ATC
"You got radar
you find us" Air Force One replied.
After a few minutes ATC
announced "Air Force One we're changing
frequency are you changing to?" asked Air Force One
"You've got 720
channels - you find us!" ATC replied.
Q. "Why do the commodes in
barracks have the cut-out type seats?"
A. "So that if the seat falls while
they're drinking, it won't smack
them in the back of the head"
Q. "Why does the Navy put
A. "Because sheep would be too obvious"
Q: "What has
an IQ of 42?"
Marines plus their lieutenant"
A general calls a colonel:
- Do you
have a couple of smart majors?
- Yes I do.
- Send them to
me. I need to move my furniture around.
soldier keeps a mug upside down and
tells the sergeant:
- I can't drink from this mug. It has no
The sergeant examines the mug and says:
- You are
right. And besides this, it has no bottom.
Father Murphy walked
into a pub and said
to the first Marine he met, "Do you want to go to
Marine said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Leave this
He then approached a second Marine. "Do you want to got to
"Certainly, Father," was the Marine's reply. "Then leave
this den of
Satan!" said the priest.
Father Murphy then
walked up to an old SgtMaj and asked, "Do you want
to go to heaven?" The
SgtMaj replied: "No, I don't Father."
The priest looked him
right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me
that when you die you
don't want to go to heaven?"
The SgtMaj smiled, "Oh, when I
die! Why...yes Father. Shit, I thought
you were getting a working
party together to go right now!"
This is the difference between
Golfer and a lousy Parachutist.
The lousy Golfer goes splash then
The lousy Parachutist goes damn then splash.
A recruit examines the food served to him
in the batallion dining room.
- Do I have any choice here, he
asks a sergeant.
- Yes, you do. You may eat it or not.