One behaviorist to another after

"Darling, that was wonderful for you. How was it for
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for

four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his

bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep.

Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day
he stops
seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his
old client in
the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking
energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's
amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you
seem to be doing
much better. How?"
"I went to see another
doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he
cured me in just ONE
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the
psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one
easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my
A man who thinks he's George Washington
has been seeing a
psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by
telling him, "Tomorrow,
we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when
they least expect it."
As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist
picks up the phone and says,
"King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I
have the plans."
In a psychiatrist's waiting room two

patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told
me to come
The first is curious and asks, "How do you
know that you're
The second responds, "God told me I
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts,
When the new patient was settled
comfortably on the couch,
the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm
not aware of your
problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you
should start at the very

"Of course." replied the
patient. "In the beginning, I created the
Heavens and the Earth..."
Patient: Doctor, my
wife thinks I'm
crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like
sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've
hundreds of them.
Two psychologists meet at their

twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while
other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening
other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end,

has made an old man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who
A psychologist returned from a confrence
in Aspen lodge, where all
the psychologists were permited to ski
for free. Her husband asked her,
"How it went?". She replied, "Fine,
but I've never seen so many
Freudians slips."
Why is psychoanalysis
a lot quicker
for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to
childhood, a man is already
A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He
says, "It seems I can't
make any friends. Can you help me, you fat
Psychiatrist to his nurse:
"Just say
we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a
What's the difference between a

psychologist and a magician?
A psychologist pulls habits out of
What is the difference between a
psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my
mother," he will ask "Why do
you say that?" while a psychologist will
say "Thank you for sharing
that with us."
A psychologist is at
a party talking
with a small group of people, when a man comes up
behind him and
taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and
the man
hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes
off, turns to the group and declares: "That's his
A young woman
took her troubles to a
psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she
pleaded. "It's
gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in
bed with him.
And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a


"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to

strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so
I won't
feel guilty and depressed afterward."
psychiatrist was conducting a group
therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he
said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even
named your daughter

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your
name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took
her little boy by the
hand and whispered, "Come on sweety, let's go
Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on

couch: "Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you --

everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the