#21
A man is strolling past the mental
hospital and suddenly
remembers an important
meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late
or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the

hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon
me, sir, but do you
have the time?"

The patient calls back,
"One moment!" and throws himself upon the
ground, pulling out a
short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the
ground, and,
pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the
stick is
vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel
ruler,
measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the
stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient
calculates
rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to
the
pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided
today is August 16th,
which I believe it is."

The man
can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets
his watch
accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was
really quite
remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy
day, or at night, when
the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds
up his wrist and says,
"I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
#22
After hearing that one of the patients

in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by
pulling
him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the
rescuer's
file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson,
your records and your heroic behavior indicate that
you're ready to
go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later
killed
himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself,"
Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up
to dry."
#23
The
mother of a problem child was
advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far
too upset and worried about
your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers
regularly."

On her
next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers
calmed
you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is
your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother
replied.
#24
Three
patients in a mental
institution prepare for an examination given by the
head psychiatrist. If
the patients pass the exam, they will be free to
leave the hospital.
However, if they fail, the institution will detain
them for five
years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving
board
looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first
patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and
breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both
legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you
jump?" asked
the doctor.

To which the third patient
answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
#25
Two psychiatrists were walking down a
hall.

One turned to the other and said, "Hello."

The other
one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."
#26
How many Histrionic
P.D. does to
take to change a lightbulb?
"You want me to change the lightbulb? I
could burn my hand! I could be
electrocuted! I could fall off the
ladder and be paralyzed for life!
You
don't love me anymore!"
#27
How many Dependent P.D. does to take to

change a lightbulb?
None, he's still clinging to the old
lightbulb.
#28
How
many Passive Aggressive P.D.
does to take to change a lightbulb?
Oops.I can't believe I broke the
last one. I guess you'll have to sit
in
the dark.
#29
How many Obsessive-Compulsive P.D. does
to take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. But he has to check it 100
times, one for each watt.
#30
How many
Borderline P.D. does to
take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. To threaten suicide if you don't
change it for
him/her.
#31
Three patients at a psychiatric clinic
are up for
release. The shrink informs them that they will have to
pass a simple
test. Asking the first patient:
Q. How much is two
plus two?
A: Blue.

At which the kind doctor calls in the
orderly to escort the patient
back to his room.

Turning to
the second patient, he asks what is six minus three? To
which the
patient replies: Square. Once again the orderly is called in to
remove
the patient. Turning to the third and last patient, he asks,
"How
much is five plus five?" The patient answers very confidentally:

Ten. The doctor, amazed then inquires how did you figure it out? The

patient: "Easy.Blue multiplied by square equals ten."
#32
Patient: Doctor, I get the feeling that

people don't give a hoot about anything I say.
Psychiatrist:
So?
#33
"Great news,
Mr. Oscarson," the
psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of
therapy, I can
pronounce you finally and completely cured of your
kleptomania. You'll
never be trapped by the desire to steal again."

"Gee, that's
great, Doc," the patient replied.

"And just to prove it, I want you
to stop by Sears on the way home and
walk the length of the store.
You'll see - you'll feel no temptation
to shoplift
whatsoever."

"Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?"

"Well,"
suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I
could use a
new microwave."
#34
One out of every four people is
suffering from some
form of mental illness.
Check three friends. If
they're OK, then it's you.
#35
Patient: I'm really depressed.

Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.
Patient: Nothing is going
well.
Therapist: Nothing well.
Patient: I feel like killing
myself.
T: You're thinking of killing yourself.
P: Yes, I'm going
to do it NOW.
T: You want to do it now.
P: [Jumps out window.]

T: Woosh. Splat.
#36
When they arrived at the therapist's
office, the
therapist jumped right in and opened the floor for
discussion. "What seems
to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held
his long face down
without anything to say. On the other hand, the
wife began talking 90
miles and hour describing all the wrongs
within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening
to the wife, the therapist
went over to her, picked her up by her
shoulders, kissed her
passionately for several minutes, and sat her
back down. Afterwards, the wife sat
there - speechless.

He
looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had

happened. The therapist spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at

least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and
replied, "I can have her here on
Tuesdays and Thursdays."
#37
The head doctors in an insane asylum had

a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially
well.
So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When
they get to
the movie theater, there are signs of wet paint pointing
to the
benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a
newspaper down
first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited
cause they think
maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask
him, " Why did you put
the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So
I'd be higher and have a
better view."
#38
What do Psychologists say to each

other when they meet?"
"You're fine, how am I? "
#39
How many psychoanalysts does it take to
change a light bulb?
"How many do you think it takes?"
#40
How many psychiatrists
does it take
to change a light bulb? One, but he must consult the
DSM-IV.