#41
Sarah was reading a newspaper,
while her
husband was engrossed in a
magazine. Suddenly, she burst out
laughing.
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here
where a
guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the
stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why
not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
#42
A wealthy man sat in his attorney's
office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
the lawyer
asked.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture
worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" the man asked
incredulously.
"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"It's
of you and your mistress."
#43
For their 25th wedding
anniversary, a man
decides to take his
wife on a trip to France. After two weeks
touring France, they
return to the airport for the trip back to America.
While waiting
for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and
says, "This was
the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our
25th
anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for
our
50th anniversary!" Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the

cheek, and said, "I'm going to come back and get you"
#44
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me
in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started
doing
the same thing to them at
funerals.
#45
On his way out of
church, Frank stopped
at the door to speak to the
minister. "Would it be right," he asked,
"for a person to profit
from the mistakes of another?"

"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor.
"In that case," said the young man, "I
wonder if you'd consider
returning the hundred dollars I paid you
to marry my wife and me
last July."
#46
A family was having dinner on
Mother's
Day. For some reason
the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the
husband asked
what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not
buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really
want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked
and cleaned and fed
the kids for 15 years and on Mother's
Day, you don't even tell me
so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15
years have I gotten
a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm
their real mother."
#47
"Will the father be present during the

birth?"
asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the
mother-to-be,
"He and my husband don't get along."
#48
A
child at a Christian school was
studying the early days of Mormonism in
his class. He wrote on his
paper,
"The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is

called
polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is
called
monotony"
#49
A woman entered the hospital to deliver

her 15th child. "Congratulations,"
said the nurse, "but don't you
think this is enough?" The woman
replied,
"Are you kidding? This
is the only vacation I get each year."
#50
"I was in a very generous mood today," a
woman says to
her friend.
"I gave a poor beggar $25."
"Thats a
lot of money to give away," says her friend. "What did your
husband
say?"
"He said, 'Thank you'. "
#51
How do you
turn a Fox into a Pit
Bull?

Marry her !
#52
An English professor wrote the words, "woman

without her man is a savage"
on the blackboard and directed his
students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman,
without her man, is a savage."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her,
man is a savage."
#53
A couple came upon a wishing
well. The
husband leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny. The wife
decided to make a wish, too. But she
leaned
over too much, fell into
the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled and said, "It really works!"
#54
NOVICE: Do clever men make good
husbands?

SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!
#55
Married life
is very frustrating. In the
first year of marriage, the man
speaks and the woman listens. In
the second year, the woman speaks and
the
man listens. In the
third year, they both speak and the neighbors
listen.
#56
Moe: My wife converted me to
religion.
Joe: Really?
Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in
hell.
#57
The couple was dining out when the wife

noticed a familiar face at the
bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do
you see that man downing
bourbon at
the bar?"
The husband
looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued,
"he's
been
drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"
The
husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's
not

worth so much celebrating!"
#58
Night. A sleeping couple
is lying in a
bed. Door bell rings. A couple
wakes up.
Woman: "Quick! My husband
is back!"
Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to
think: "Shit!
But I
am the husband!"
#59
Wife: Who
was that on the
phone?
Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather
bureau.
Wife: What did he say?
Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...
#60
A woman and her lover are on the bed in the
woman's home,
when
all of a sudden, they hear the front door
open and close.
"Oh, no, it's my husband!"
The man says, "Where's
your back door?"
"We don't have a back door" says the woman.
The
man then asks, "Well, where do you want a back door?"