A person is in the hospital and asked his
doctor how much time does
have left to live. The doctor did not
want to lie so he told him that
wouldn't make it through the
night. So the person calls for his lawyer
asks him to come
and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the
lawyer asks
him why did he want him next to him. The dying person

"When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same

"You seem to have more than the average

share of intelligence for a man of
your background," sneered the lawyer
at a witness on the stand. "If I
wasn't under oath, I'd return
the compliment," replied the
A tough case was being argued in court. The

defense attorney,
feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a
bottle of
hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be

"The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're

"I don't think so," his attorney told him. "I sent it in the

other lawyer's name!"
A man walks into a friend and sees that his

friend's car
is total loss and covered with leaves, grass,
dirt and blood. He asks his friend,
"What's happened to your

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about

the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to
chase him all through the park."
An old man was critically
ill. Feeling that
death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer.
How much is
it or the express degree you told me

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was
clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned
over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you
wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a
faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less
lawyer . . ."
A guy walks into a post office one day
see a middle-aged, balding man standing at
the counter methodically
placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts
over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying

scent all over

His curiosity getting the better of him, he
goes up to the balding man
asks him what he is doing. The
man says "I'm sending out 1,000
Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer,"
the man replies.
What is black and brown and looks
good on a
lawyer? A Doberman.
It seems that a devout, good couple was about

to get married,
but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When
they got to
heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for
them to
get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in
and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it
agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred
years later when St. Peter sent for
them. They were married in a
simple ceremony. So things went
on, for thirty years or so, but they
determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to
St. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy
forever, but
now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences.
Is there
any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St.
"It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to
you. I will never get a lawyer!"
What is the proper weight for a

About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!
What's the difference between a lawyer

You should take your workboots off
you jump on a trampoline.
Why don't lawyers play


Nobody will look for them.
A local United Way office realized that it had
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at
least $500,000,
you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to
give back to the
community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over
for a moment and
replied, "First, did your research also show that
my mother is dying
after a long illness, and has medical bills that
are several times her
annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep
mumbled, "Um...no."
"-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is
blind and confined to a
wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began
to stammer out an
apology but was interrupted, "-or that my
sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in
her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep,
completely beaten, said simply, "I
had no idea..." On a roll, the
lawyer cut him off once again: "-so
if I don't give any money to
why should I give any to
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend
asked the
tombstone maker to inscribe on his
tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an
honest man, and a lawyer." The
inscriber insisted that
such an
inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to
that three men
were buried under the stone. However he suggested an
alternative: He
would inscribe, "Here
lies a man who was both
honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone
walked by the

tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's

The bartender asks him
"What'll you have?".
The guy answers,
"A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the
drink, and
says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What
you talking about? I don't owe you anything for

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation,
says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In
the original
offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon
acceptance, there
was no stipulation of remuneration". The
bartender's not impressed,
but says to the guy, "Okay, you
beat me for a drink. But don't
ever let me catch you in here

The next day, same guy
walks into the bar. Bartender says,
"What the hell are you doing in
here? I can't believe you've
got the audacity to come back!".

The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in

this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm

nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
If two lawyers were drowning,
and you could
only save one of
them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad
in a
lawsuit filed
by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull
was missing from
the section through which the railroad passed. The
rancher only
wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the
in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker
for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and
tried to get
him to settle out of court.

He did his best selling job, and
finally the rancher agreed to
take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check,
young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his
telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old
man, but I
put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the
case. The
engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the
caboose when the t
rain went through your ranch that morning. I
didn't have one
witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher
replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a
little worried about
winning that case myself, because that
durned bull came home this
A defendant was
on trial for murder. There
was very strong evidence indicating guilt,
but no corpse had been
found. In the defense's closing statement the
lawyer, knowing that
his client would probably be convicted, decided to
try a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,"

the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the

person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat
stunned, all
looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.

But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you
there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone
was killed
and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few

minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw

all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, yes," the jury foreman
replied. "We all looked - but your
client didn't!"
A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor.

"Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked.
"The side that pays
your fee," replied the doctor.