What's the
difference between a lawyer and
an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
In the construction
field, it is often
noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However,
a couple of years
ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were
always his
favorite clients!

When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of
having lawyers as
clients he replied, "I only build coffins
If you laid all the lawyers in the world head

to foot around the Equator, then...
Hey, come to think of it,
that's not a bad idea.
If I had but one life to give for my country,
would be a lawyer's.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how
many orchards does it
take for a lawyer?
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both
drowning, and
you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or
read the
How many lawyers does it take
to stop a
moving bus?
Never enough.
How many lawyers does it take to grease a

Only one if you run him through slowly!
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
the rope.
Have you seen the current remake of the movie

"Cape Fear"? It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge

against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom
do you
root for?
First person: Do you know how to
save five
lawyers who are drowning?
Second person: No.
First person:
Did you hear that the Post Office had to

recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were

confused about which side to spit on.
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different

deck chair on the Titantic.
A convicted con man was recently found to be

impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked,
should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so
punctual and
"Excuse me," a young fellow said to
older librarian, "I've just moved here and I wonder if this town
any criminal lawyers."

"Well," replied the librarian, "I have
lived here all my life and
all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we
do, but no one has been able
to prove it yet."
persistent job-seeker once appeared
before President Lincoln and demanded
an appointment to a judgeship. He
was informed that there were no
vacancies. The next day, while
walking along the river, he saw a drowned man
being pulled out, and
recognized him as a federal judge.

He ran back to the White House
and demanded the position. "Sorry,"
said the President, "but the
lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you
here by a good five
woman was being questioned in a court
trial involving slander. "Please
repeat the slanderous statements you
heard, exactly as you heard them,"
instructed the

The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person

to hear," she protested.

"Then," said the attorney, "just
whisper them to the judge."
The first lawyer questioning a panel of

prospective jurors began right off as an intimidating showman. When he
came to
his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" they

stiffened and hesitated.

Before the pause became too long,
the judge announced, "I do."
What do you call an honest lawyer?

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the
broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of
offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a
stuck under the windshield wiper.
"Sorry. I just backed into your
Beemer. The witnesses who saw
the accident are nodding and smiling at
me because they think
I'm leaving my name, address and other
particulars. But I'm