#1
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have
broken
noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
#2
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why

don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
#3
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to

her lawyer, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear
woman," lawyer replied,
"Ever since the Phoenicians invented money
there has been only one
answer to that easy question."
#4
A
judge in a small city was hearing a
drunk-driving case and the
defendant, who had both a record and a
reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was
nearly 4:30 p.m. and getting a jury
would take time, so the judge
called a recess and went out in the hall
looking to impanel anyone
available for jury duty. He found a dozen
lawyers in the main lobby
and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers
thought this would
be a novel experience and so followed the judge back
to the
courtroom.
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear
that the
defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the
judge
started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After
nearly three
hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent
the bailiff into the
jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict. When the bailiff
returned, the judge said, "Well have the
y got a verdict yet?" The bailiff
shook his head and said,
"Verdict? Hell, they're still doing
nominating speeches for the
foreman's position!"
#5
At a
convention of biological scientists
one researcher remarks to another:
"Did you know that in our lab we
have switched from mice to lawyers
for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied,
"Why did you switch?"
"Well, for four
very good reasons. First we found that lawyers are far
more plentiful,
second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to
them, third
there are some things even a rat won't do, and fourth
sometimes it
very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
#6
A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man,
and a
lawyer were sitting on a train.

The Frenchman offered
everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out
the window, saying,
"Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I
come from."


The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of

the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I

come from."

Then the American threw the lawyer out the
window, saying...
#7
Where is the best place to hide a lawyer?
In
a brief case.
#8
What kind of clothes do lawyers
wear?
Lawsuits.
#9
Why
didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the
lawyer's heart?
Because even Cupid can't hit a target that
small!
#10
A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with
his family. Suddenly,
he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and
fainted.

"Darling, it was just a shark," said his wife when he
came to.
"You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers
everywhere."
#11
Why don't lawyers enjoy playing
golf?
Because it's too much like work, what with all of the lying

involved.
#12
What do lawyers do after they die?
They lie
still.
#13
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted,

will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"

Client: "After
hearing your amazing argument in court this morning,
I'm beginning
to think I didn't."
#14
Lawyer: "Let me
give you my honest
opinion."


Client: "No, no. I'm paying for professional advice."
#15
How many lawyers does it take to
change a
lightbulb?
None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
#16
How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
Other
lawyers look interested.
#17
You're trapped in a room with a tiger,
a
rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What

should you do?
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
#18
Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic

waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
New Jersey had
first choice.
#19
Why is
it that if you give a child an
encyclopedia, "lawyer" is always the
third thing they look
up?
Because the first thing a child looks up is "dog." The second is
"snake."
And under snake, the encyclopedia says "See Lawyer."
#20
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to
walk
onto a construction site when plumbers are working?

Because they
might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.