Q. Why is it that many lawyers have
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why
don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to
her lawyer, after he had solved her legal troubles.
woman," lawyer replied,
"Ever since the Phoenicians invented money
there has been only one
answer to that easy question."
judge in a small city was hearing a
drunk-driving case and the
defendant, who had both a record and a
reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was
nearly 4:30 p.m. and getting a jury
would take time, so the judge
called a recess and went out in the hall
looking to impanel anyone
available for jury duty. He found a dozen
lawyers in the main lobby
and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers
thought this would
be a novel experience and so followed the judge back
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear
defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the
started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After
hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent
the bailiff into the
jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict. When the bailiff
returned, the judge said, "Well have the
y got a verdict yet?" The bailiff
shook his head and said,
"Verdict? Hell, they're still doing
nominating speeches for the
convention of biological scientists
one researcher remarks to another:
"Did you know that in our lab we
have switched from mice to lawyers
for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied,
"Why did you switch?"
"Well, for four
very good reasons. First we found that lawyers are far
second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to
there are some things even a rat won't do, and fourth
very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man,
lawyer were sitting on a train.
The Frenchman offered
everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out
the window, saying,
"Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I
The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of
the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I
Then the American threw the lawyer out the
Where is the best place to hide a lawyer?
a brief case.
What kind of clothes do lawyers
didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the
Because even Cupid can't hit a target that
A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with
his family. Suddenly,
he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and
"Darling, it was just a shark," said his wife when he
"You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers
Why don't lawyers enjoy playing
Because it's too much like work, what with all of the lying
What do lawyers do after they die?
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted,
will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"
hearing your amazing argument in court this morning,
to think I didn't."
Lawyer: "Let me
give you my honest
Client: "No, no. I'm paying for professional advice."
How many lawyers does it take to
None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
lawyers look interested.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger,
rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What
should you do?
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic
waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
New Jersey had
it that if you give a child an
encyclopedia, "lawyer" is always the
third thing they look
Because the first thing a child looks up is "dog." The second is
And under snake, the encyclopedia says "See Lawyer."
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to
onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.