Judge: All your responses to the questions must
oral. Do you understand?
Judge: What school did you
attend in the fall of 1995?
Prosecutor: Did you kill the
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better
penalty for murder.
A prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why,
yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a
young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You
lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and
them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was
stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and
asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,
too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted,
he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal
relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the
entire state. Yes,
I know him."
At this point, the judge
rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the
bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace,
"If either of you
asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for
young woman was appearing in court to face
a public disorder charge. The
charges were read out, and she was
asked how she pleaded. "Not
guilty," the woman answered
The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is
true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an
gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a
union jack - on
the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph
through the center
of London, in a blizzard?"
composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council
said: "What was the date again?"
People who love
sausage and respect the law
should never watch either being made.
Judge: "Is it true that you owe your neighbor a
Defendant: "Yes, it's true."
"Then, why don't you just pay him back?"
Defendant: "Because it
wouldn't be true anymore."
The judge said to
his dentist: "Pull my
tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the
The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones ,do
you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth?"
"Now what do you say to
"Your Honor, under those limitations...
The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you
understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"
understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
the witness. "My side will win."
A red-faced judge convened court
after a long
lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk
claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your
honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please
enter a guilty plea. The defendant
is sentenced to 30 days."
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced
the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by
both of you, with a
bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You,
attorney Leon, gave me
$15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a
check. He handed it
to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and
we're going to
decide this case solely on its merits."
stood up in the dock and said
to the judge, "I dont recognize this
"Why?" asked the
"Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was
The cross eyed judge looked at the three
defendants in the dock and said to the first one, "So how do you
"Not guilty" said the second defendant.
"I wasn't talking to you"
the judge replied.
"I never said a word" the third defendant