#1
How is a judge like an English

teacher?
They both hand out long sentences.
#2
What did the judge say when a skunk entered the

courtroom?
Answer: Odor, Odor in the court!!!
#3
Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to

the defendant, "You can let me try your case, or you can choose to

have a jury of your peers."
The man thought for a moment. "What
are peers?" he asked.
"They're people just like you your
equals."
"Forget it," retorted the defendant. "I don't want to be tried by a

bunch of thieves."
#4
It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too

much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him.

The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the
other
car and said, "Boy, are you in trouble. I'm a
lawyer!"

The driver looked out his window and said, "No, you're in trouble.

I'm a judge."
#5
A red-faced judge convened court
after a
long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk
driving
who claimed it simply wasn't true.

"I'm as sober as you are,
your honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please
enter a guilty plea. The defendant
is sentenced to 30 days."
#6
When is an English teacher like a judge?

When she hands out long sentences.
#7
Who is the most powerful ghoul?
Judge
Dread.
#8
At night court, a man was brought in and set

before the judge.
The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and
the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician,
charged with
battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put
this man in a dry
cell!"
#9
A lawyer passed on and
found himself in
Heaven,
but not at all happy with his accommodations.
He complained
to St. Peter, who told him that his
only recourse was to appeal his
assignment. The
lawyer immediately advised that he intended
to
appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting
at least three years
before his appeal could be
heard. The lawyer protested that a
three-year wait
was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf
ears.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who
told him that he
would be able to arrange an appeal
to be heard in a few days, if the
lawyer was willing
to change venue to Hell. The lawyer asked: "Why
can
appeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?"
The devil answered: "We
have all of the judges."
#10
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve
as a juror in
this
case?

Juror: I don't want to be away
from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at
work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
#11
Judge to witness: "And where was the location of
the
accident?"

Witness: "Approximately milepost
499."

Judge:: "And where is milepost 499?"

Witness: "About halfway
between milepost 498 and milepost
500."
#12
Mr. Schneider stood up in court.
"As God is
my judge, I do not owe my
ex-wife any money."

Glaring down at
him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You
do."
#13
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged
with a
traffic violation said
she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the
bench. "Madam, I have
waited years for a schoolteacher to appear
before this court," he
smiled
with delight. "Now sit down at that
table and write 'I will not pass
through
a red light' five
hundred times."
#14
How many judges does it take to
change a
light bulb?
Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves
around him.
Just one, but two lawyers have to explain him how to do
it.
#15
Jury: Twelve men and women
trying to decide
which party has the best lawyer.

Justice: A decision in your
favor.
#16
Judge: Doctor, how
many autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are on dead people.
#17
Judge: What is your
relationship with the
plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Judge: Was she your daughter on
February 13, 1979?
#18
Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to

the basement, is that correct?
A: Yes.
Judge: And these same
stairs, did the also go up?
#19
Judge: Your first marriage
was terminated by
death?
A: Yes, by death.
Judge: And by whose death was it
terminated?
#20
Judge: Are you married?
A. No, I'm
divorced.
Judge. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A.
A lot of things I didn't know about.