#1
An idiot decided to start a chicken

farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he

returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the
first
lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for
another
hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I
think I know
where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am
planting them too
deep."
#2
There were two guys working for the

city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other
would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill.
These two
men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling
it up
again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how
hard
these men were working, but couldn't understand what they
were doing.
Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger,
"I appreciate how hard you work, but what
are you doing? You dig a
hole and your partner comes behind you and
fills it up
again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who

plants the trees is sick today."
#3
One idiot said to the other, "You

know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those
who
can count, and those who can't.
#4
What did the idiot do to the flea in
his ear?
Shot it!
#5
QUESTION: Why does the town idiot take
his bedroom door off the
hinges and put it to the sid every night
when he goes to sleep?
ANSWER: Because he's afraid someone would
look through the
keyhole.
#6
Two newfies walked into a pet

store. The first says "I want four budgies."
Salesman-certainly sir,
would you like two male and two female or
all male or all female?

Newfie-I don't care. I just want 4 budgies!
Salesman-certainly
sir, what color would you like? We have yellow,
blue, gr...
Newfie
- I don't care what color they are, just put four budgies in a
box
for me. Is that too hard?
Salesman - O.K. O.K.
The two newfies
pay for the budgies and leave. They drive out to this
high cliff in
Newfoundland and the first newfie reaches in the box and
pulls out
two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff
while
flapping his arms. Of course he SPLATS at the bottom.
The second
newfie looks down at his friend's twisted remains and says
"What a
shame. this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to
be!"
#7
Q: Have you heard about the Irish
abortion
clinic?
A: There's a 12-month waiting list.
#8
Q: Did you hear about the 25 Irish

people that drowned?
A: They were riverdancing.
#9
After interviewing a particularly
short-spoken
job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather
monosyllabic.
My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?".
Thinking that he was
just kidding, I played along and said that it was
just south of
Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by
Croatia?"
#10
Fire
investigators on Maui have
determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed
a $127,000 home last
month - a short in the homeowner's newly
installed fire prevention
alarm system. "This is even worse than last year,"
said the
distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new
security
system..."
#11
A student in Belle, West Virginia

was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School

principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance"

policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.
#12
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia

received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug
policy last
week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a
classmate that the
mints would make him "jump higher."
#13
An Illinois man pretending to have a

gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different

automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw
money from
his own bank accounts.
#14
Why did the Aggie call 911 in the

car wash?


- He thought he saw the rotating car washer as a
tornado
#15
How do you keep an imbecile
happy
all his life ?
Tell him a joke when he's a baby !
#16
Why did the idiot have his sundial
floodlit ?
So he could tell the time at night !
#17
Did you hear about the stupid

Kamikaze pilot ?
He flew 57 missions !
#18
Why did Silly Sue throw her guitar away

?
Because it had a hole in the middle.
#19
A guy walking down a street one
afternoon passes an old man sitting
on the side of the road with a large
sack.
The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the
sack?"
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there
sack."
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the

sack, can I keep one?"
The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many
monkeys I got in this
sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"
#20
Sister: Why are you putting
the
saddle on backward ? Brother: How do you know which way I'm going

?