Do you believe in love at first sight or do I
have to walk by you
A guy goes to a girl's house
for the first
time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses
to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's

standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks
it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says

"What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to
the kitchen to get an
A man had a nose ring fitted into his nose, a

friend asked, "how much did you pay for that?"
"I paid through the
nose!" he replied
A man walks into a palm reader store and asks
the reader,
"Could you read my palm?" He shows his hand to her, and
she says,
"But...I can't read your hand."
"Why?" the man
"I don't understand your handwriting," the woman replies.
Martin asked David, "In which
state does the
Ohio River run?" David answered with cool, "In the liquid

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun
contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least
one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
The world's most incredibly lazy man found

a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted him three

wishes. He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel.

"They're yours, but what are they for?" the genie asked.
"I'm tired
of walking everywhere--I want to just ride the horse. The
wrestler is so that I won't have to work to get on the horse."
"But the
squirrel?" asked the genie.
"I need something to go 'click-click'
to start the
The strong young man at the construction site

was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He
made a
special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After
minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you
put your
money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's
wages that I
can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that
outbuilding that you
won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old
man," the braggart
replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man
reached out and grabbed
the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding
to the young man, he
said, "All right. Get in."
Q: Why did the
scientist install a knocker
on his door? A: To win the no-bell
Q: How many
existentialists does it take to
screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw
it in and one to
observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single
incandescent beacon
of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless
reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
Q: What did the hat
say to the necktie? A:
Q: Why did the haunted house not
like rain?
A: Because it dampened his spirits.
Q. What did Snow white say when her photos

didn't come back from the photo store?
A. "Some day my prints will
Q. What's te definition of a bachelor pad? A.
All the house plants are
dead, but there's something growing in the
Q: Why couldn't the animals
on Noah's Ark
play cards? A: Because Noah was standing on the
So the bus
driver said to the string, "Are
you a string?" and the string said,
"No, I'm afraid not". (A frayed
How many Survivors does it take to screw
in a light bulb? A: One to
start screwing it in and the rest to
vote 'em off the ladder.
Q. What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden

have in common? A. They both look out their caves and see rubble.
What runs all day but
never gets tired?
Q: What's
black, white and read all over?
A: A newspaper.