Three men die and go to heaven and

queue to meet St. Peter.

St. Peter: Hi, what's your

Paul: My name is Paul.

St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you
died, how much were you earning?

Paul: 120K.

St. Peter:
Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of


Paul: I was a lawyer.

St. Peter: That's great. Come on
in. St. Peter then turned to the
second man. Hi, what's your

Roger: My name is Roger.

St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me,
when you died, how much were you


St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a


Roger: I was an accountant.

St. Peter: That's
very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the
second man. Hi,
what's your name?

John: My name is John.

St. Peter: Hi,
John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you

John: About $23,000.

St. Peter: Hey, that's
fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did
you play?
So this trumpet player dies. When he
reaches is
everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're
going to spend eternity
with this combo, okay? There's a bass player
named 'Mingus' and a
pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we
expect this 'Blakey' guy to
show up with his drums.

the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good."

man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael
and Tim, passed over at
the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly
Gates, they were met by ST.
Patrick himself, and he addressed the
boys thusly: "Lads, I'm here to
welcome you to heaven where you
will spend eternity. Just remember one
thing, when you go through
these gates, don't step on any of the ducks
or you'll be punished for
eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed
to see that the entire
ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he
might, sure enough
he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one
of the homliest
colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said,"Well
love, you
stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time."And
of course
the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion
was even
the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified.
he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the cou
without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken
by a young
lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful,
graceful, blue-eyed
woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped,
"I don't understand
it!" The young beauty answered, "Well I'm
sure I don't either, I
was walking along minding my own business,
when all of a sudden I stepped
on a duck."
Two Irish friends
greeted each
other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This
reminds me of
Finnegan," remarked one.

"What about Finnegan?" inquired the

"'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St.
Peter, he
said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long
time.' 'Well,
Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million
years as a minute
and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said
Finnegan, 'I'm needing
cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St.
Peter, 'just wait a
Three people die, a Doctor a school
and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by
St. Peter he
asks the Doctor 'what did you do on

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would

do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught

educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may

St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?'
The man hung his
head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which
St. Peter replied,
'you may go in, but you can only stay 3
One day while walking down the street

a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and
died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the
Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said
St.Peter. "Before
you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem.
You see,
strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it
this far and
we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like
to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do
is let you
have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think
I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in
Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the
in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The d
oors opened and
she found herself stepping out onto the putting
green of a beautiful
golf course. In the distance was a country club
and standing in front of
her were all her friends - fellow
executives that she had worked with
and they were all dressed in evening
gowns and cheering for her. They
ran up and kissed her on both cheeks
and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of
golf and at night went to the country
club where she enjoyed an
excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually
a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling
jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that
before she
knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and
good- bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up
and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting
for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in
heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew
it her 24
hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.

Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for
a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought
I'd say this, I
mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I
think I had a
better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator
and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the
elevator opened she found
herself standing in a desolate wasteland
covered in garbage and Filth. She
saw her friends were dressed in
rags and were picking up the garbage
and putting it in sacks. The
Devil came up to her and put his arm around
her. "I don't
understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was
here and there was
a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster
and we danced
and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of
garbage and
all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and
smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you;
today you're staff."
President Clinton died and knocked at
Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton".

"What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana,
but you
shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale.
And I lied,
but I didn't commit perjury."

After several
moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's
the deal.
We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't
call it
'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time,
but we
won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon

entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze

A famous professor of surgery died and
went to heaven. At the
pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper:
'Have you ever committed a
sin you truly regret?'

'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the

hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the

Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the

referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that

'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor
sin. You may

'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,'
the professor ansvered.

'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the
gatekeeper. 'He is having his
lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'
There once was a rich man who
near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for

his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he

began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with


An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but
you can't
take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel
to speak to God to
see if He might bend the rules.

The man
continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel

reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take

one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase

and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to

greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you
bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St.
Peter that he has permission and asks him
to verify his story with
the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and
comes back saying,
"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but
I'm supposed to
check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens
the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man
found too
precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought
A man arrives at the gates of heaven.
Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says,

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very

quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates
of heaven. "Religion?"


"Go to room 18, but be
very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the
gates. "Religion?"


"Go to room 11, but be very
quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there
being different rooms for
different religions, but why must I be quiet
when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's
Witnesses are in room 8, and
they think they're the only ones
One day at the entrance to heaven, St.

Peter saw a New York street gang.

walk up to the Pearly
Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God
and said,

there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do

I do?".

God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that
type. Re-direct
them down to hell."

St. Peter went back to
carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes
running back
yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"

"Who, the New

"No, the Pearly Gates."
guys found themselves in
Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett,
they were a little
confused at their present situation, and they were
startled to see a
door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps
the ugliest
woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you
could smell
her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard,
"Brett, you have sinned! You are
condemned to spend the rest of
eternity in bed with this woman!" And
Brett was whisked through the door
by a group of lesser demons to his

understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped
when a second
door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of

womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in
black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was
heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are
condemned to spend the re
st of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl,
like Brett, was
whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and
feared the worst when
the third door opened. And as the door inched
open, he strained to see
the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in
the sight of this beautiful woman,
dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he
heard the voice of the Devil

"Cindy, you have sinned."
Everybody on earth
dies and goes
to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two
lines. One
line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the
line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want
the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time
God looks the women are gone and there are
two lines. The line of the
men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on
the line of men that
dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said.
"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created you in my image,
and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at
the only one of my
sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from
him!" Tell them my
son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man
said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
a teacher, a garbage
collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the
Pearly Gates. St.
Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,
they would each
have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and
asked, "What was the name of the
ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered
quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter
let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven
*really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him,
decided to
make the question a little harder: "How many people died
on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen
the movie. "1,228,"
he answered.

"That's right! You may

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
This guy dies and is sent
to Hell.
Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and
says he
must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan
opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in
manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow
manure up to
their noses. And so he says no again.

Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are
in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea
eating cakes.

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan
says O.K. The guys
is standing in there eating his cake and drinking
his tea thinking,
"Well, it could be worse", when the door opens.
Satan pops his head
around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back
on your heads!"
St. Peter is questioning three married

couples to see if they qualify for admittance to

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the
who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you

even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter
then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken
good care of
his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him,
pointing out that he had been an
impossible glutton, so much so that
he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man,
who had been a lawyer, stood up and said,
"Come on, Penny, let's get
out of here."
Three men die in a car accident
Christmas Eve. They all find
themselves at the pearly gates waiting to
enter Heaven. On entering
they must present something relating or
associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and
finds some Mistletoe, so he is
allowed in.

The second man
presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls
out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St.
Peter asks, "How do these represent

Three buddies die in a car crash, and
they go to heaven to an

They are all asked,
"When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon
you, what would you like to hear them say about
you? The first guy
says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a
great doctor of
my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would
like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher
which made a huge difference in our children of

last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's

Did you know that
heaven and hell
are actually right next to each other? They are seperated
by a big
chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and
got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find

his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil

over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan

agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely
rebuilt the
fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and
put it
back where it belongs!"

"Yeah? What if I don't?"
replied the devil.

"I'll sue you if I have to," answered

"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a
A fellow finds himself in front of

the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in

heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St.
told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor?
Charities? No? St. Peter told
him that that too was bad.

he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter

was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody
does something nice
sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help.
Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of
a store and
found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They
had taken her purse
and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the
crowd, and got
her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I t
hen went up to the
biggest, baddest biker and told him how
despicable, cowardly and mean he
was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.