#1
What do you call the queue of Software

Engineers standing outside Heaven ?
The Y2K deadline !
#2
St. Peter and Satan were having an
argument one day about
baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on
neutral grounds between a
select team from the heavenly host and
his own hand-picked boys. "Very
well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
"But you realize, I hope, that
we've got all the good players and
the best coaches." "I know, and
that's all right," Satan answered
unperturbed. "We've got all the
umpires."
#3
A famous professor of surgery
died
and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the

gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?' 'Yes,' the

professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of

Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community
Hospital,
and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee
did not se it
so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'
'Well,' said
the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may
enter.' 'Thank
you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor
ansvered. 'Im am not Saint
Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having
his lunchbreak. I am Saint
Lucas.'
#4
An angel in heaven was welcoming a new
arrival.
"How did you get here?" he asked.
And the new angel
replied, "Flu..."
#5
How do angels greet each other?

They say, Halo.
#6
Why did the angel lose her job?

She had harp failure.
#7
Jay:
Does the Bible say that if
you smoke you can't get to
heaven?
Ted: No, but the more you smoke
the quicker you'll get there.
#8
A cattleman from West
Texas died &
went on to the Great
Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he
noticed that the
terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to
the gate
keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like
Texas."

"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter
and
second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you
?"
#9
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to
heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
#10
A doctor, an engineer, and a

fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.
The doctor said how he'd
healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was
a sinner and was sent
to Hell.

The engineer told how he'd built homes for the
homeless, etc.; but he
messed up the environment, so he was sent to
Hell.

The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as
he
mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been thru
Hell,
Welcome to Heaven."
#11
Morty the producer dies and goes to

purgatory. The agent behind the counter says "So Morty, what's it
gonna
be Heaven or Hell?" Morty asks, "What's the difference?" Sid
says
"Take a look at the monitor over here."

Morty goes to
the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are
quietly
floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns
to Sid
and says "Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's
Hell
like?"

Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does
and sees scenes
of young people having sex and dancing and smoking
and drinking and
laughing and singing and generally having a great
time.

"This is great!" says Morty. "I think I'll try Hell." Sid
directs
him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down
arrow. Morty
does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell.


When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty look
s around
from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he sees.
Everywhere are
people burning in agony, screaming in pain, drowning
and suffering.
There are laughing demons with pitchforks piercing
their skin. Its
horrible, disgusting. Morty presses the up button
and goes right back to
Sid."

"What is this!? Hell is nothing
like you showed me on the monitor! It
was awful down there!"


Sid says, "You mean that monitor?"

"Yes," says Morty.


"Oh, well, that was just the pilot."
#12
A Director arrives below and is met by
Satan
who shows him around. Turns out that Hell is a gigantic movie
studio
with the latest and best equipment, stages, great actors,
etc. Director
thinks its great and asks Satan what heaven is like if
hell is this
good. Satan says heaven is exactly like this, a movie
studio. The Director
is confused. "Then what's the difference," he
asks.

Satan smiles. "Well, in heaven they actually *make*
movies."
#13
In Heaven:
The cooks are
French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers
are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
The cooks are
English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are
French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
#14
An accountant dies and
goes to
Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual

questionnaire.

"What sort of accountant are you?" says St
Peter

"Public Practitioner," is the reply.

"Name?"

He gives his
name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.

"Oh, yes.
We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted
span,"
says St Peter.

"How can that be?" says the accountant. "I'm too
young to go. I'm
only forty-eight"

"No, that's impossible.
"

"Why do you say that?"

"Well we've been looking at your
time sheets and the hours you've
charged your clients. By our
reckoning you're at least ninety
three."
#15
Three college football coaches were

flying across the country when their airplane crashed and all three
died.
They all noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God
motioned
for one of them to come into the clouds.

God
wanted to know three things: "Who are you? What did you do? What
did
people think of you?"

The first coach said, "I'm Joe Paterno. I
coached Penn State from
1966 to 2000. I won 300 games, 19 bowl
victories, 2 national
championships, and won Coach of the Year 4 times.
The people of Pennsylvania think
I'm great."

God said,
"Fine, Joe, stand at my right side."

The next person said, "I'm
Bobby Bowden. I coached Florida State
University from 1980 to 2000.
I had a .816 win percentage, played in 14
bowl games without a loss
and won a national championship after beating
Nebraska. The people
of Florida think I'm great."

God said, "Fine, Bobby, stan
d at my left side."

The third coach stood before God and said,
"I'm Bob Stoops. I took
over a storied Oklahoma program that had
won 6 national championships and
held many NCAA records but had
fallen to the lowest of the low. In the
3 years prior to me taking over
the Sooners they went 3-8 (worst season
in 102 years of football),
4-8, and 5-6, beating Texas only once and
not beating Colorado or
Nebraska, not to mention losing to OSU. I coached
the Sooners for a
season and a half, going 7-5 in my first year beating
a top-15
Texas A&M with my unranked team and taking the Sooners to a
bowl game.
7 games into my second season we were undefeated and I took
the
Sooners to #1 in the AP poll, Coaches poll, and BCS poll. We beat #10

Texas 63-14, #2 Kansas State in Manhattan 41-31, and #1 Nebraska 31-14.

Our quarterback was the frontrunner for the Heisman trophy, we were
in
the driver's seat for the national championship, and th
e people of
Oklahoma think you are sitting in my chair."
#16
A religious man is on top of a roof

during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get

in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will
grant
me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and
another boat comes by and the
guy tells him to get in again. He
responds that he has faith in god and
god will give him a miracle. With
the water at about chest high, another
boat comes to rescue him,
but he turns down the offer again cause "God
will grant him a
miracle."

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a
ladder and they
tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his
mouth, he again
turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He
arrives at the
gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter,
I thought God would
grand me a miracle and I have been let down."
St. Peter chuckles and
responds, "I don't know what you're c
omplaining about, we sent you
three boats and a helicopter."
#17
A cat and a mouse died on the same

day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them

'How do you like it so far?'

The mouse replied 'It's
great, but can I get a pair of roller
skates?' God said 'Sure', and
he gave him a pair of roller skates.

The next day God saw the
cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here
so far?' and the cat
replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on
wheels up
here!'
#18
A priest and a taxi driver both died
and went to heaven. St. Peter
was at the Pearly gates waiting for
them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.


The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a
mansion.
It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an
olympic
size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.


Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk
bed
and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you
are a little mixed up', said the priest.
'Shouldn't I be the one
who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went
to church every
day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But
during your sermons people slept. When the
taxi driver drove, everyone
prayed.'
#19
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate
when a man walks
up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you
do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he
responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I
kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of

kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few
moments later a second man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son.
What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he
responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a
traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for

travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."

A few
moments later a third man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What
did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he
responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a
Military Policeman, Sir."

"Excellent my son, I have to leave
for a bit, watch the gate will
you?"
#20
This 85 year old couple, having been
married almost 60
years, had died in a car crash. They had been in
good health the last ten
years mainly due to her interest in health
food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St.
Peter took them to their
mansion which was decked out with a beautiful
kitchen and master bath suite
and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and
aahed" the old man asked Peter how
much all this was going to cost.


"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they
went out back to survey the championship golf course that the
home
backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each

week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf

courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".


Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next
they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
r
the cuisine's of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?"
asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it
is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation.

"Well,
where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man
asked
timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as
much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you
never get sick.
This is Heaven."

With that the old man went
into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, and
shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried
to calm him down,
asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and
said, "This is all your fault. If
it weren't for your blasted bran
muffins, I could have been here ten
years ago!"