An out-of-towner drove his
car into a ditch
in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to
help with his
big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and
yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull."
Buddy didn't move.

Then the
farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't


Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull."

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse

easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was
most appreciative and very curious. He asked the
farmer why he called
his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh,
Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the
only one pulling, he
wouldn't even try!"
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by

her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new
mother-in-law, hoping
that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic
relationship. All to no
avail though, as she kept nagging them at every
opportunity, demanding
changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally
making life unbearable
to the farmer and his new bride.

they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection,

the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in

the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter
feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service
a few days later, the farmer stood near the
casket and greeted
folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that
whenever a woman would
whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head
yes a
nd say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the

farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the

farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women
would say, 'What a terrible tragedy'
and I would nod my head and
say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then
ask, 'Can I borrow that
mule?' and I would shake my head and say,
'Can't. It's all
booked up for a year.'"
A New York City yuppie moved to the
and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and
store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up

chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

"That's a
lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean
business," the
city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. "I
need another 100 chicks,"
he said. "Boy, you are serious about this
chicken farming," the man
told him.

"Yeah," the yuppie
replied. "If I can iron out a few problems."
"Problems?" asked the
proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I
think I planted that last
batch too close together."
A farmer in the country has a watermelon

patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have

been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways
to discourage this profit-eating situation.
So he puts up a sign

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night
eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the
watermelon patch a week later to discover
that none of the watermelons
have been eaten, but finds another sign that
A man's car stalled on a country
road one
morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and

stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,"
the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road
until he met a
farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked

the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.

"Oh! I wouldn't
listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't
know a thing about
A bus load of politicians were driving down a

country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off
the road
and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then

proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days
later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and
the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied,
"Well, some of them said they weren't, but
you know how them
politicians lie."
A husband and wife were driving down a country

lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch
the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of
trying to get
the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming
down the
lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer
stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to
pull the car
out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes
later the
car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You
you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the
"When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the
young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the
water in
the hole."
Q: Why can't the
bankrupt cowboy
A: He has got no beef.
Q: Why did the farmer call his
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When
he turns his cow to pasture.
What did the neurotic pig say to the

You take me for grunted.
Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his

field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
trod on his corn.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia
for a
vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The
shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have

wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk
around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that
are at least
twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile,
almost died when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through
the field. He asks, "And what are

The Aussie asks
with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any
grasshoppers in
A farmer and his brand new bride were

riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the

older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old
horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but
reached under the seat, pulled out
a shotgun and shot the

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to


The farmer said, "That's once."
Rush Limbaugh
and his chauffeur were out
driving in the country and accidentally hit
and killed a pig that had
wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told
the chauffeur to
drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to
the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the
front door and
was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours.
When the
chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver
been in there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then
he offered me a beer, then
his wife brought me some cookies, and
his daughter showered me with
kisses." explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur
replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and
I'd just
killed the pig."
A man from the city is out plowing his field
gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.

A farmer driving
by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over
the city
feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.

"Where can
I buy one?" he is asked.

Well, I just happened to have one for
100 dollars he says.

"I'll take him," says the other man as he
counts out the money.

I can't bring him over today. I don't
work on Sunday morrow OK?


The next day the truck
pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says,
"sorry, bad

I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.

The city
feller says just give me my money back then.

"Can't, spent it

"Well... unload the mule then."

"What ya gonna do
with him?"

"Raffle him off!"

"Naw, ya cant raffle off a
dead mule!"

"Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tri

One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into
each other at
the barber shop.

"What did ya do with that
dead mule?"

"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each
and made 98
dollars profit."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just
starting to get a good rhythm
going when a bug flew into the barn and
started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's
ear. The farmer didn't think much
about it, until the bug squirted
out into his bucket. It went in one ear
and out the udder.
A clergyman walking down a
country lane and
sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a
cart after
it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why
don't you rest a
moment, and I'll give you a hand."

thanks," said the young man.

"My father wouldn't like

"Don't be silly," the minister said.

"Everyone is entitled to
a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man
protested that his father would be upset. Losing
his patience, the
clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave
driver. Tell me
where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my


"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling
land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every
house in his

To the houses where the man is the boss, he
gave a horse. To the houses
where the woman is the boss, a chicken
was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple
outside gardening.
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown
horse," the farmer said, "which
one would you like?"

The man
thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get
the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken."
said the farmer.