Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When
he turns his cow to pasture.
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
trod on his corn.
"Tell me," said the hiker to the
farmer, "will this pathway take me to the main road?"
"No, sir,"
replied the farmer, "you'll have to go by yourself!"
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But,
as time
went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.

The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run

over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the

sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of
people driving so fast and killing all of my

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care,
just do something about those drivers!"

So the next day he had
the county workers go out and erect a sign that

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said,
"You've got
to do something about these drivers. The 'school
crossing' sign seems
to make them go faster."

So, again, the
sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a
new sign:

And that really sped them up. So the f
armer called and called and
called everyday for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs
are doing no good. Is it all
right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure
thing, put up your own sign." He was
going to let the farmer do
just about anything in order to have him stop
calling. Well, the
sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the
farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call
him. "How's the problem
with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did.
And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've
got to go.
I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to
himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's
house and look at that
sign... There might be something there that WE could
use to slow
down drivers."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and
he saw the sign.
It was a whole sheet of plywood. And writte
n in large yellow letters
were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY
What do you call
an Arab dairy farmer?

A milk sheik.
A farmer
was interviewing a young man for
the job of assistant farmhand.

`You'll need to be fit,' said
the farmer. `Have you ever had any
illnesses? Any

'No, sir,' replied the young man proudly. `But you're on crutches.

You must have had an accident!' said the farmer.

`Oh, the
crutches!' said the young man. `A bull tossed me last week.
that wasn't an accident! He did it on purpose!'
An old farmer is driving down a country road in

his pickup truck when
it starts making an awful noise. He stops
the truck and crawls
underneath to investigate the
"Hmmm...muffler's loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a
Wrench." He says.
He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down
the road. Off
in the distance he sees a small house. There is a black
woman and
several small black children playing in the

The Farmer yells to her "Hey Miss, do you happen to have

"What?" She yells back.

"A Monkey Wrench!!?" He



"Naw, this ain't no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!"
A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a
in the fields when they came across a cow and a
calf rubbing

"Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to
the same."

"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your
A husband and wife were driving down a country
lane on
their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy
hollow in the road
and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of
trying to get the car
out by themselves, they saw a young farmer
coming down the lane, driving
some oxen before him.

The farmer
stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to
pull the
car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes
the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You

know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the

farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the

water in the hole."
An accountant is in a car travelling with a
client around his farm.

They pass a large mob of sheep
and the farmer says, "You're pretty
good with numbers, Keith. How
many sheep do you reckon are in that

The accountant
looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One
thousand, eight
hundred and thirty two."

The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right", he
says. "How did you work
that out so fast?"

"Easy," says the
accountant "I counted the number of feet and
divided by 4."
farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is
trying to hold the farm together
until her husband can get out.
She's not, however, very good at farm
work, so she writes a letter to
him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want
to plant the potatoes. When
is the best time to do it?"

The farmer writes back: "Honey,
don't go near that field. That's
where all my guns are

But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So

when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the
and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two
days of digging, they don't find one single

The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should

plant the potatoes."
On a drive in the country, a city slicker

noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig
as it ate one apple after another.

"Maybe I don't know
what I'm talking about," said the city slicker,
"but if you just
shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground,
wouldn't it save a
lot of time?"

"Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to
a pig?"
There was a
farmer who had a herd of pigs.
One day someone went to the farm and asked
the farmer: "What do you
use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things
like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection
Association and I think you
don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't
eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later,
another person arrived and asked the same question.
The farmer answered:
"Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon,
caviar, shrimp,
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and
I think it's
unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there
are people dying
with nothing to eat."
And he fined the

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question.
hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five
to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."
A farm boy was drafted. On his first furlough,
his Father
asked him what he thought of Army life.

pretty good Pa. The food's not bad, the work's easy but best
all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning."
An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your

methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree
give you less than twenty pounds of apples."
"I won't be
surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange
There was a farmer who raised
He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his

watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought

he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids
for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The
day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says
"Warning!! One of
the watermelons in this field has been injected with
So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to
sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week
and when he
looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are
missing but he
notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the
sign which read:
"Now there are two".
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when
into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared
the car. A cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at
the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A
farmer appeared. The man,
somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your
rooster, please allow me
to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can
go join the other
chickens that are around the back."
A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving
down the road, when
the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a
farmhouse nearby, the farmer
informed them that he had only one spare
room, and that it had only two
twin beds.

They were welcome
to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn.
After much
discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few
moments later, a
knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that
there was a
cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly

sleep in the barn with a cow.

Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few
moments later, a knock on the
door. The rabbi explained that there
was a pig in the barn and that he,
being very orthodox, could not
possibly spend the evening in the barn
with the origin of

Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments

later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the p
Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast

for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a

farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his
failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the
before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here
on a
Farmer Brown decided his
injuries from the
accident were serious enough to take the trucking company

(responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking
fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at
scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just

loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any
details," the lawyer interrupted, "just
answer the question. Did
you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm


Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and

I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again
and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the
scene of the accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the scene
that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell
him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was
fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer
and said to the lawyer,
"I'd like to hear what he has to say about
his favorite mule

Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was
saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and
was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and
trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the

He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I
could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
shape just by her groans."

"Shortly after the
accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie
moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at h
er, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then
patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked

Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The
looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I
had to shoot
her. How are YOU feeling'?"