"Doctor, doctor!" said the
panic-stricken woman,
"my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he's
swallowed a
mouse! What shall I do?"
"Quite simple," said the
doctor calmly. "You just tie a lump of
cheese to a piece of string and
lower it into your husband's mouth. As
soon as the mouse takes a
bite haul it out."
"Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I'll go around to
the fishmonger
straight away and get a cod's head."
"What do
you want a cod's head for?"
"Oh- I forgot to tell you. I've got to
get the cat out first!"
Doctor: "Good news you passed your
hearing test!"
Patient: "HUH"
Jack: "My brother was sick and

went to the doctor."
John: "Is he feeling better now?"
Jack: "No,
he has a broken arm."
John: "How did he break it?"
Jack: "Well,
the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter
happened, to follow that prescription. And the prescription blew
out of
the window."
John: "How did he break his arm?"
Jack: "He fell out
of the window trying to follow the
The patient: Tell me, is it true that

alcohol decreases blood pressure?
Doctor: Yes, that is
P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure?
D: Yes,
that is also true.
P: So, in average, I live normally.
When a car skidded on wet pavement
and struck a telephone pole,
several bystanders ran over to help the
A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed
in and
pushed her back.
"Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've
taken a course in first aid."
The woman watched him for a few
minutes, then tapped his shoulder.
"Pardon me," she said. "But when you
get to the part about calling a
doctor, I'm right here."
A nurse had to
take a patient
back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the
effects of
the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made
comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who
"How is she?"
The nurse replied, "Oh, she's quite dopey."
of the friends said, "We know that, but how is she
Doctor, Doctor, my little brother
thinks he's a computer.
Well bring him in so I can cure him.
can't, I need to use him to finish my homework.
Doctor, doctor, can I have a bottle
of aspirin and
a pot of glue?
Because I've been at my
computer all day and I've got a splitting
The patient shook his doctor's hand

in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would
want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you
to know
that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very
kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then
added, "May I
see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a
Did you hear about the two
podiatrists who
opened their offices on the same street?
They were arch
What do you get if you have strep
throat on Friday?
Saturday Night Fever.
What kind of physician works on a

cruise liner?
A dry doc.
Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red
magic markers to work?
A: In case they have to draw blood.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a

snake about to shed it's skin
Why don't you go behind the
screen and slip into something more
comfortable then !
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a

Don't worry you'll soon change !
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking

I'm a nit
Will you get out of my hair !
Doctor, Doctor I'm on a
diet and
it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
dear, that's a lot of calories !
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a
So why did you come around then ?
Well, I saw this light at the
Doctor, Doctor I need something to

keep my falling hair in
What about a matchbox !
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an

insect spinning around.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going
around !doc