Did you hear about the do-it-yourself
They just loosen the earth and you sink down by
Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk,
and I swatted one, how many flies would be left?
Girl: One - the
Why did the monster
take a dead man
for a drive in his car?
Because he was a car-case.
Waiter, waiter! There's a
in my soup.
Oh no! Who's going to look after his family?
Doctor, doctor, I feel dead from the
I'll arrange for you to be halfburied.
If a man was born in England, raised in
America and died in Spain, what does that make him?
Did you hear about the two men who were
cremated at the same time?
It was a dead heat.
Did you hear about the man
his job at the mortuary?
It was a dead end job.
First ghoul: You don't look too well
Second ghoul: No, I'm dead on my feet.
Where do ghosts go for their holidays?
The Dead Sea.
What do you find in a zombie's veins?
Dead blood corpuscles.
What's a zombie's favorite pop song?
Dead sails in the sunset.
What do you call a man who has been
dead and buried for
thousands of years?
What has four legs, a tail,
whiskers and flies?
A dead cat.
What is the difference between a
musician and a
One composes and the other decomposes.
What lies on the ground 100 feet up in
the air and smells?
A dead centipede.
What's the difference between a very
old, shaggy Yeti and a dead
One's a seedy beast and the
other's a deceased bee.
Sam was on his death bed, and his wife
and children were
around him. Suddenly the aroma of
chopped liver filled the room.
Sam perked up a bit and said to his
wife, "That's it, one last time
before I die I must have some of
your delicious chopped liver."
Sam's wife looked at him sadly and
said, "Sorry Sam, it's for
A woman goes into a funeral home to make
husband's funeral. She tells the director
that she wants her husband
to be buried in a dark blue
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black
that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit
and gives him a blank
check to buy one.
When she comes back
for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin
and he is wearing a
beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how
much she loves the
suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't
cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left,
another corpse was brought in, this one
wearing a blue suit. I noticed
that they were about the same size, and
asked the other widow if she
would mind if her husband were buried in
a black suit. She said that
was fine with her. So... I switched the
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at
the game in a packed Lambeau Field,
until he noticed an empty seat
down in front. He went down and asked
guy next to it if he
knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes,
seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days,
my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was
too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so
enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said,
"they're all at