Why was the robber so secure?
He was a
safe robber.
A police officer was escorting a
to jail when his hat blew off.
"Shall I run and get it for you?"
asked the prisoner obligingly.
"You must think I'm daft," said the
"You stand here and I'll get it."
"What makes you think the
prisoner was
drunk?" asked the judge. "Well, Your Honor," replied the
officer, "I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with
and when I asked him what it was for he said, 'I want to listen to

it on my record-player!' "
Judge: Tell me your occupation.
I'm a locksmith, Your Honour.
Judge: Then what were you doing in a
jewellery shop in the middle of
the night when the police saw you?

Prisoner; Making a bolt for the door!
I think I hear burglars, dear. Are you awake?

Judge: You claim you robbed the grocery

store because you were starving. So why didn't you take the food
of the cash out of the till?
Burglar: Your Honour! I'm a
proud man, sir, and I make it a rule to
pay for everything I eat.
Judge: Why did you steal
that bird?

Prisoner: For a lark, sir.
What did the burglar say to the

watchmaker as he tied him up?
Sorry to take so much of your valuable
Why did the burglar take a shower?
wanted to make a clean getaway
Fred: We had a burglary last night, and they
took everything except the
soap and towels.
Harry: The dirty
A woman woke her husband in the middle of the
night. "There's a
burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made
this morning."
"Who shall I call," her husband asked, "police or

A stupid bank robber rushed into a bank,
pointed two fingers at
the clerk and said, "This is a muck up!"

"Don't you mean a stick up?" asked the girl.
"No," said the robber,
"it's a muckup. I've forgotten my
"Dad," said Fred to his father, who was a

bank robber. "I need $50 for the school trip tomorrow."
"OK, son,"
said his dad, "I'll get you the cash when the bank
Why was the robber bionic?
He was holding
up a bank.
The criminal mastermind found one of his

gang sawing the legs off his bed. "What are you doing that for?"

demanded the crook boss. "Only doing what you ordered," said the stupid

thug. "You told me to lie low for a bit!"
Two small time thieves had been sent by the
Big Boss to
steal a van load of goods from a bathroom suppliers. One
stayed in the
van as look out and the other went into the
storeroom. Fifteen minutes
went by, then half an hour, then an hour, and no
sign of him. The look
out finally grew impatient and went to look
for his partner. Inside the
store the two came face to face. "Where
have you been?" demanded the
worried look out. "The boss told me to
take a bath, but I couldn't
find the soap and a towel."
What's another
word for a murderer who
kills old ladies?
A Killergran.
When the school was broken into, the

thieves took absolutely everything - desks, books, blackboards,

everything apart from the soap in the lavatories and all the towels.
police are looking for a pair of dirty criminals.
Did you hear about the burglar who fell in
cement mixer?
Now he's a hardened criminal.
Newsflash: Two criminals have escaped from
prison today. One is
orange and 9ft tall, and the other green and
yellow and 2ft Gin tall.
The police are searching high and low for