#1
Late one
night, a burglar broke into a
house he thought was empty. He tiptoed
through the living room but
suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a
loud voice say,
"Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the
house, so the burglar
crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the
voice boomed
again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird
cage and in
the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you
who said
Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar
breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's
your
name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot,"
sneered the burglar. "What idiot
named you Clarence?"
The parrot said,
"The same idiot who named the Rottweiller
Jesus."
#2
Bill: Where did you
get that gold watch
Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race.
Bill: How many people participated
in it?
Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!!
#3
Did you hear about the calendar thief?
He
got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!
#4
A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in
the
same car...
Who is driving the car?
A police officer!
#5
A
mafioso's son sits at his desk writing
a Christmas list to Jesus. He first
writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I
have been a good boy the whole year, so I
want a new..." He looks at
it, then crumples it up into a ball and
throws it away.

He
gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I

have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He

again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets
an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue
of the
Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes

another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want
to
see your mother again..."
#6
An English
prisoner of war was held by
the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over
the place, and okay
until one day when the German told him,
"Englander,your arm is
infected with gangrene vee must cut it off."

The English prisoner
said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over
England when you go
bombing?"

The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem."


A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to
cut
his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it
over
England like you did last time?"

"Ya, that vill be done,"
says the German.

The next day the German tells him that they
have to cut his leg off.
Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you
do the same as before?"

The German replies, "Vhy, ya."


The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well,"

begins the Brit, "could you just..."

The German snapped
, "No! We think you are trying to escape!"
#7
t was Christmas and the judge was in a merry

mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged
with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the
defendant.

"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this

shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
#8
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Burglar
!
Burglar who ?
Burglars don't knock !
#9
What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a

prisoner ?
A Kong - vict !
#10
What do you get if you cross a bunch of
flowers
with a burglar ?
Robbery with violets !
#11
What do you call a mayfly with a criminal

tendencies ?
Baddy long legs !
#12
What do you call a robbery in China ?
A
Chinese take away !
#13
Who is the
biggest gangster in the sea
?
Al Caprawn !
#14
Why are burglars such good tennis players
?
Because they spend such a lot of their time in courts !
#15
What was the parrot doing in prison ?
It
was a jail-bird !
#16
Why do pens get sent to
prison ? To do
long sentences !
#17
Who was the world's greatest thief
?
Atlas, because he held up the whole world !
#18
Why would someone in jail want to catch the
measles?
So he could break out.
#19
What stars go to jail?
Shooting stars.
#20
What kind of party do prisoners in jail

like most of all.
A going-away party.