"Do you turn on your computer with your left
or your right hand?"
" My right hand."
" Amazing!Most
people have to use the on/off switch."
A confused caller was having troubles printing

documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that
''could not find the printer.'' The user had even tried
turning the
computer screen to face the printerbut his computer still
could not
'see' the printer.
How many
technical writers does it take to
change a light bulb?
Just one, provided there's a programmer around
to explain how to do
How many
IBM employees does it take to
change a light bulb?
Fifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document
number GC7500439-001,
Multitasking Incadescent Source System
Facility, of which 10% of the
pages state only "This page intentionally
left blank".
How many Java programmers does it take to
change a light bulb?
One, to generate a "ChangeLightBulb" event to the
How many C++ programmers does it take to
change a light
"You're still thinking procedurally! A properly
designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a
generic light bulb
How many maintenance programmers does it take

to change a light bulb?
None. They try to fix the old
"We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying

to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait

two months?"
A software verifier read in the Bible
God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He

jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain,

and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I

never knew I was THAT clever!"
The problem
with physicists is that they
tend to cheat in order to get results.

The problem with
mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
problems in order to get

The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to
cheat at toy
problems in order to get results.
The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought
you a new
"Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's
They say that the new super computer
everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is

my father?"

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then
came back with "Your
father is fishing in Michigan."

skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was
nonsense. My
father has been dead for twenty years."

"No", replied the super
computer immediately. "Your mother's
husband has been dead for
twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound
Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in

Because it is below C level.
The boy is smoking and
leaving smoke rings
into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her
lover: "Can't
you see the warning written on the cigarettes
packet, smoking is
injurious to health!"

The boy replies back:
"Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry
about warnings, we only
worry about errors."
Once a programmer drowned in the sea.
Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was

shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
system programmer came home from work
almost at dawn and told his wife
enthusiastically: "Tonight I have
installed a new release of MVS/ESA
together with VM/CMS and
"G.O.O.D" answered his wife.
How do you keep a programmer in the shower

all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse,
Why do programmers always get Christmas and

Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
attention span of a computer is as
long as its electrical cord.
My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a
bit ANSI.
Computers make very fast, very accurate