#1
A son is
calling his mom from college, and
telling her that he had just got his
degree. The mother says:
That's great honey! What kind of degree? And the
son, almost squealing
with excitement says: The best one ever, a
Celsius degree!
#2
College meals
are generally unpopular with
those who have to eat them and sometimes
with good reason. "What
kind of pie do you call this?" asked one
student
indignantly.
"What's it taste like?" asked the cook."
"Glue!"
"Then it's apple
pie the plum pie tastes like soap."
#3
"Now my motto in
life," said the school
chaplain, "is work hard, play hard and pray
hard. How about you,
Harriet?"
"My motto is let bygones be bygones."
"That's good. Why
did you choose that?"
"Then I wouldn't have to take any history
classes!"
#4
A college friend was going to meet a young
lady he new.
"An old flame? I asked.
He winked and said, "More like
an unlit match."
#5
Q: What do college students and deer have in

common?
A: They both stand in the middle of the road and stare at
your
headlights.
#6
The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for
all male students, so too
the male dormitory to the female
students. Anybody caught breaking this
rule will be fined $20 the first
time. Anybody caught breaking this
rule the second time will be fined
$60. Being caught a third time will
incur a hefty fine of $180. Are
there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd
inquires, "Er... How much for a
season pass?"
#7
Q: How
many graduate students does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take him/her more
than five years to do
it.
#8
Q. How many law professors does it take to
change a light
bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the
research grant.
#9
Two storks are
sitting in their nest: a
father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is
crying and crying and
father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't
worry, son. Your mother
will come back. She's only bringing people babies
and making them
happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job.
Mother and son are
sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and
mother is saying,
"Son, your father will be back as soon as
possible, but now he's
bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A
few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son has

been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and

the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby
stork says, "No where. Just scaring the hell out of college

students!"
#10
A college student in a philosophy class was

taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single
line which simply said: "Is this a
question?" - Discuss.


After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an

answer."

The student received an "A" on the exam.

A
Boston brokerage house advertised for a "young Harvard graduate or
the
equivalent."

Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale
grad. He said, "Do
you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part
time?"
#11
A college student in a philosophy class was

taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single
line which simply said: "Is this a
question?" - Discuss.


After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an

answer."

The student received an "A" on the exam.

A
Boston brokerage house advertised for a "young Harvard graduate or
the
equivalent."

Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale
grad. He said, "Do
you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part
time?"
#12
Optimist: A college student who opens his
wallet
and expects to find money.
#13
A somewhat advanced society has figured

how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some

learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills
are
available.

The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for
English literature."

The student takes the pill and swallows it and
has new knowledge about
English literature!

"What else do
you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history,
biology, and world history,"
replies the pharmacist.

The
student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge
about
those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for

math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment." He goes back into
the
storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on
the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires
the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know ... mat
h always was a little
hard to swallow."
#14
A college student was in a
philosophy
class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor

presented the following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?"
Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again,
nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody
spoke for the third
time, he simply stated, "Then there is no
God."

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to

reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor
granted
it, and the student stood up and asked the following
questions of his
classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our
professor's brain?" Silence.

"Has anyone in this class touched
our professor's brain?" Silence.

"Has anyone in this class seen
our professor's brain?"

When nobody in the class dared to
speak, the student concluded, "Then,
according to our professor'
s logic, it must be true that our professor
has no
brain!"

You can't argue with that!
#15
Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your

college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well, if you like your
Dean
as much as I like my Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth
shut. I
knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my
true feelings,
so I remained silent for the last four
years.

But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the

Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a
ribbon).

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch
what I REALLY
thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I
looked her
straight in the eye.

"Hey Bitch," I said.
"You're so damn ugly, you could practice birth
control just by leaving
the lights on!"

And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I
gotta tell you that
it felt just as good as I had imagined it would
for the last four years.

Today, I unwrapped my diploma, fr
amed it, and hung it in the living
room, where it proudly exclaims
to the world: "In order to receive your
diploma, please present
this certificate to the Dean of your college
after final grades have
been posted!"
#16
A kid called up his
mom from his college
and asked her for some money, because he ran out
of it. His mom
said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll will send you some money.
You also left
your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do
you want me
to send that up too?"

"Uhh, oh yeah, okay," responded the
kid.

So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package
and
went to the post office to mail the money and the
book.

When she gets back, her husband asked, "Well how much did you give the

boy his time?"

She said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20
and the other for $1000
out to him."

"That's $1020!" yelled
her husband. Are you crazy?"

"Don't worry, Hon," she said. "I
taped the $20 check to the cover
of his book, but I put the $1000
one somewhere between the pages in
chapter 19!"
#17
After the college boy delivered
the pizza
to Bud's trailer house, Bud asked, "What is the usual
tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the
other
guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing
great."

"Is that so?" snorted Bud. "Well, just to show them how wrong they

are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll
put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying?" asked
Bud.

The lad smiled and said, "Applied psychology."
#18
Two
college students, Frank and Matt, are
riding on a New York City subway when
a beggar approaches them
asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in
disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a
couples of
singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a
smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the
other
passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend's act of
generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank.
"You know he's
only going to use it on drugs or booze."


Matt replies, "And we weren't?"
#19
An angel appears at a faculty
meeting and
tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and
exemplary
behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite
wealth,
wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite
wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of
smoke and a bolt
of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the
dean, who sits surrounded by a faint
halo of light. At length, one
of his colleagues whispers, "Say
something."

The dean sighs
and says, "I should have taken the money."
#20
What do you get if you cross a student and an

alien ?
Something from another universe -ity !