#81
A man has spent many days
crossing the
desert without water. His camel has died of thirst. He's
crawling
through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all
of
a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several

yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the
sand, and discovers what
looks to be an ash tray from an old car.


He opens it and out pops a genie....

But this is no
ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a
plaid sport
coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket
with a
blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid,"
says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three
wishes."


"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust

a used car salesman!"

"What do you have to lose? You've
got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!
"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the
genie is
right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with
plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds
himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And
he is
surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid,
what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich
beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself
surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and
precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish.

Better
make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab

says:

"I wish that no matter where I go a beautiful woman will
want and need
me."

***POOF*** He's turned into a tampon.


The moral of the story?

If a used car salesman offers you
anything at no cost, there's going
to be a string attached s
omewhere!
#82
A young executive was leaving the office late

one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder
with
a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO,
"this is a very sensitive and important
document here, and my
secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this
thing work for me?"


"Certainly," the young executive says. He turns the machine on,

inserts the paper, and presses the start button.


"Excellent, excellent!" says the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the
machine. "I just need one copy."
#83
Resolving to surprise her husband, an

executive's wife stops by his office.

As she walks in
unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his
lap.

Without
hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter... "And in
conclusion
gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this
office
with just one chair.
#84
Resolving to surprise her husband, an

executive's wife stops by his office.

As she walks in
unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his
lap.

Without
hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter... "And in
conclusion
gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this
office
with just one chair.
#85
When the office photo-copies began to look

faint, the office manager called in a local repair service.


The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the

manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning.

The
tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator's
manual
and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100.00, if he

did the work.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office
manager asks, "Does
your boss know you are discouraging business?"


"Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers".

"After people try first to fix things themselves, we end-up making
much
more money on repairs"
#86
A stockbroker was cold
calling about a
penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will
really move
said the broker, it's only $1 a share."

"Buy me 1000 shares."
said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2. The client
called the broker and
said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares."


The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was
at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get
me 10,000 more
shares said the client."

"Great!" said the
broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock
was at $9.

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few
days, the client ran to
the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my
shares!"

The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying
that
stock."
#87
American businessman was at a pier in a

small coastal
Mexican village when a small boat with just one
fisherman
docked. Inside the small boat were several large
yellow-fin
tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of
his
fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied
only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he
stay out longer and
catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had
enough to support his family's
immediate needs.

The American
then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of
his time.


The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little,
play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria,
stroll into the village
each evening where I sip wine and
play guitar with my amigos. I have
a full and busy life,
senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a
Harvard MBA and could help
you. You should spend more time fis
hing and, with the
proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds
from the
bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you

would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your
catch
to a middleman you would sell directly to the
processor, eventually
opening your own cannery. You would
control the product, processing
and distribution.

"You would need to leave this small coastal
fishing village
and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC
where you
will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican
fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this
all take?"

To
which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then,
senor?" asked the Mexican.

The American laughed, and said, "That's
the best part! When
the time is right, you would announce an IPO and
sell your
company stock to the public. You'll become very rich,
you
would make millions!"

"Millions, senor?" replied t
he Mexican. "Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would
retire. Move to a small
coastal fishing village where you would sleep
late, fish a
little, play with your kids, take siesta with your
wife,
stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip
wine
and play your guitar with your amigos."
#88
One day an out
of work mime is visiting
the zoo and attempts
to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as
soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs
him and
drags him into his office.

The zoo-keeper explains to
the mime that the zoo's most
popular attraction, a gorilla, has
died suddenly and the
keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall
off. He
offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until
they
can get another one. The mime accepts.


So the next
morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and
enters the cage before
crowd comes. He discovers that it's a
great job. He can sleep all he
wants, play and make fun of
people and he draws bigger crowds than he
ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and
he tires of
just swinging on tires.


He begins to notice
that the people are paying more
attention to the lion in the cag
e next to his. Not wanting to
lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of
his cage, crawls across a partition, and
dangles from the top
to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion
furious,
but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the
zoo-keeper
comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a
good
attraction.


Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps
taunting
the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps
going
up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the
furious lion,
he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The
lion gathers itself
and prepares to pounce.


The mime is so scared that he begins
to run round and round
the cage with the lion close behind. Finally,
the mime starts
screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion
is quick
and pounces.


The mime soon finds himself flat
on his back looking up at
the angry lion and the lion says, "
Shut up you idiot! Do you
want to get us both fired?"
#89
A businessman was confused about a bill he
had received, so
he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.


"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you
take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but
my earrings."
#90
An organization is like a tree full of

monkeys...

all on different limbs,... at different levels,...


some climbing up.

The monkeys on the top look down and see
a tree full of
smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look
up and see nothing but
assholes.
#91
The farmer goes to town one day and happens
to run
into his old pal the tractor salesman.

"How's
business?" asks the farmer. "Not very good, I haven't sold
a
tractor
in months, How are things on the farm?" asked the
salesman.

"Well-- The other day I went out to the barn to milk that old cow I

have.
I started milking and she swatted me with her tail, so I tied
her tail
to
the ceiling. I started milking again and she kicked
me with her left
leg
so I tied that to the left side of the
stall. I started milking again
and
she kicked me with her right leg
so I tied that one to the right side
of
the stall. About that
time my wife walked in the barn, and if you can
convince her that I
was just trying to milk that damn cow,

I'll buy a tractor from
you!!"
#92
A fellow had just been
hired as the new
CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down
met with him privately and
presented him with three numbered
envelopes. "Open these if you run up
against a problem you don't think
you can solve," he said. Well,
things
went along pretty
smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn
and he was really
catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he
remembered the
envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first
envelope. The
message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO
called a

press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the

previous
CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street
--
responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was
soon
behind him. About a year later, the company was again
experiencing a
slight dip in sales, combined with serious product pro
blems. Having
learned from his previous experience, the CEO
quickly opened the second
envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This
he did, and the
company
quickly rebounded. After several
consecutive profitable quarters, the
company once again fell on difficult
times. The CEO went to his office,
closed the door and opened the
third envelope. The message said,
"Prepare
three envelopes."
#93
The new employee
stood before the paper
shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary asked.


"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"


"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding
it

into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come
out?"
#94
Fresh out of business school, the young man
answered a want
ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by
a very
nervous man who ran a small business that he had started
himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But
mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the
man said. "But I don't want to
have
to worry about money. Your
job will be to take all the money worries
off
my back."
"I
see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll
start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the
accountant exclaimed. "How can such a
small business afford a sum like
that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
#95
A new business was opening and one of the

owner's friends wanted to send
flowers for the occasion. They
arrived at the new business site and the
owner read the card; it said
"Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and
called the florist to
complain. After he had told the florist of the
obvious mistake and how
angry he was ,the florist said. "Sir, I'm
really
sorry for the
mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine
this:
somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have
flowers
with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new
location."
#96
When Abraham Liebowitz
gets to school he
discovers that he is the only
Jewish kid in the class. But it's a
decent town and nobody really
bothers
him.

One day the
teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who
ever

lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar

bill
in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get
this
twenty
dollars".

All of the kids called out their
guesses.

One said "George Washington - because he was the father
of our
country."

"That's excellent" said the teacher.


Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."


"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an

excellent, but
still being polite.

One little girl said "Joan
of Arc - because she saved France."

Another excellent choice
said the teacher.

Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.

nSo the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the

greatest
person who ever lived, and why?"

And Abraham said
"Jesus Christ."
The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm
very surprised.
Class,
I think we can all agree that Abraham
should get the twenty dollars."
And
she handed Abraham Liebowitz
the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she
asked Abraham
why
he said Jesus.

Abraham said "Look,
personally I think Moses was the greatest person
who
ever lived,
but... business is business!"
#97
There was this man who was in a
horrible
accident, and was injured. But
the only permanent damage he suffered
was the amputation of both of his
ears. As a result of this
'unusual' handicap, he was very
self-conscious
about his having no
ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money
from the
insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own
business, so
he
decided with all this money he had, he now had
the means to own a
business. So he went out and purchased a small,
but expanding computer
firm. But he realized that he had no
business knowledge at all, so he
decided that he would have to hire
someone to run the business. He
picked
out three top candidates, and
interviewed each of them. The first
interview went really well. He
really liked this guy. His last question
for this first candidate
was, 'Do you notice anything unusual about
me?'
The guy s
aid, 'Now that you mention it, you have no ears.' The man
got

really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even

better
than the first. This candidate was much better than the
first. Again,
to
conclude the interview, the man asked the same
question again, 'Do you
notice anything unusual about me?' This
guy also noticed, 'Yes, you
have
no ears.' The man was really
upset again, and threw this second
candidate
out. Then he had
the third interview.. The third candidate was even
better
than
the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he

wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, 'Do you notice

anything
unusual about me?' The guy replied 'Yeah, you're wearing
contact
lenses.'
Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's
quite perceptive of you!
How
could you tell?' The guy burst out
laughing and said, 'Well, You
can't
wear glasses if you d
on't have any ears!'
#98
Several
weeks after a young man had been
hired, he was called into
the personnel director's office. "What is
the meaning of this?" the
director asked. "When you applied for this
job, you told us you had
five
years experience. Now we
discovered this is the first job you've ever
held."

"Well," the young
man replied, "in your advertisement you said you
wanted somebody
with imagination."
#99
A man is flying in a hot air balloon
and
realizes he is lost. He reduces
his altitude and spots a man down
below. He lowers the balloon further
and shouts: "Excuse me, can you
tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot
air balloon, hovering 30
feet
above this field."

"You
must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist.

"I do,"
replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist,
"everything you have told me is
technically
correct, but
completely useless."

The man below says: "You must be in
management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you
know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're

going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the
same
position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
#100
These two construction workers always noticed

that their boss always left
early on Fridays. So one asked the
other that if the boss left early
next
Friday if he would want
to also. The other man agreed. Sure enough,
when
Friday came,
the boss left early. Therefore, the two men left also. The
one
offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to
just

head on home. When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs.

When
he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the
noise was coming
from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss
sleeping with his
wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed
back down the stairs and
out the front door. He made his way down to
the bar to see if his
friend
was still there and he was. His
friend asked, "I thought you were
headed
home?" The man replied,
"I did, but this is the last time I ever
leave
work early a
gain." His friend asked, "Why's that?" The man replied,
"I

almost got caught by the boss."