My husband's business is rather up-and-down
he makes yo-yos.
always delighted when people stick
their noses in my business - my company
makes paper tissues.
When I asked my boss for a salary rise
was doing the work of three men he said he couldn't increase
but if I told him the names of the three men he'd fire
ensign had nearly completed his
first overseas tour of sea duty when he
was given an opportunity to
display his ability at getting the ship
under way. With a stream of
crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with
men and soon, the
ship had left port and was streaming out of the
ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was
with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under
way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised
when another seaman approached him with a message from the
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio
and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal
congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise
according to the
book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however,
overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure th
e captain is aboard before
getting under way!"
Four men were bragging about how smart their
dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an
Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do
stuff!". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper
and a pen, and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said
could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do
stuff!". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned
with a dozen
cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his
dog could do
better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your
got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart
of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured ex
actly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop.
that was good. The three men turned to the Government
said, "What can your dog do?". The Government Worker called
to his dog
and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break
his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper,
sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back
while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
A frog goes into
the bank and asks the
teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to
see Mr. Paddywack,
the loan officer.
Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says, "What do
you have for
The frog pulls out of his pocket
a solid silver elephant.
Mr. Paddywack looks at the elephant
and says, "I don't know. I'm
going to have to ask Mr. Larson, the
bank manager to approve this."
He goes into Mr. Larson's office
and comes back.
Two minutes later, Mr. Larson comes out with
the elephant and says,
"It's a knick-knack Paddywack, give the frog
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training
supervisor and a young
trainee, were out checking meters in a
suburban neighborhood. They parked
their truck at the end of the alley
and worked their way to the other
end. At the last house a woman
looking out her kitchen window watched
the two men as they checked her
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor
challenged his younger
coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the
truck to prove that
an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from
last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They
asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she
replied, "When I see two gas men running as
hard as you two were, I
figured I'd better run too!"
An Irishman goes for a
job on a building
The man says, "Can you brew tea?"
"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"
looks at him and asksy, "Why? How big is the
very successful businessman had a
meeting with his new son-in-law. "I
love my daughter, and now I welcome
you into the family," said the
man. "To show you how much we care
for you, I'm making you a 50-50
partner in my business. All you
have to do is go to the factory every day
and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then
you'll work in the
office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being
stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the
father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner
of a moneymaking
organization, but you don't like factories and won't
work in a office. What
am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get
his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head
suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and
pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have
another pair...try these."
The speaker tried them and responded,
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I
have one more paid
of false teeth...try them."
said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over
to thank the
man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you
for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've
for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm
the local undertaker."
A Japanese guy is at Los
International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to
he's waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to
He counts his money at the counter. "Wait a
minute," he says to the
clerk, "When I came here I got more dollars for
my yen. What's going
"Fluctuations." says the
The Japanese man stiffens. "Well! Fluck you Americans,
elderly fisherman wrote to a mail
order house the following:
"Please send me one of those gasoline
engines for my boat you show on
page 438, and if it's any good, I'll
send you a check."
In a short time he received the following
reply: "Please send check.
If it's any good, we'll send the
Smith goes to
see his supervisor in the
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy
house-cleaning at home
tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic
and the garage,
moving and hauling stuff."
short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you
the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
A shopkeeper was dismayed
when a brand
new business much like his own opened up next door and
erected a huge
sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another
competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an
even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST
panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over
his own shop. It read 'MAIN ENTRANCE'.
A customer walks into a restaurant and
a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order!
waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.
calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the
kitchen. He runs up to
the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills
down on it and says, "You
got me this time buddy, but I want you to
know that's the first time
in ten years we've been out of rye
A man walks
into a shoe store, and tries
on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?"
asks the sales
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at
the man's feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
sthill feelth a bith tighth."
There are three beggars begging on Wall
The first beggar wrote "Beggar" on his broken cup. He
after one day.
The next day, the second beggar
wrote "Beggar.com" on his cup. After
one day, he received hundreds
of thousands of dollars and an offer to
float an IPO on
The following day, the third beggar wrote "e-Beg" on his cup.
Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him
strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy.
addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle
that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b
offering supply chain integration in the beggar
man went to apply for a job. After
filling out all of his applications,
he waited anxiously for the
The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an
for people like you."
"Oh, great," he said, "What is
"It's called the door!"
Americans and Japanese decided to
engage in a boat race. Both teams
practiced hard and long to reach
their peak performance levels. On the big
day they felt ready. The
Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the
loss. Morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for
the crushing defeat had to be
found, so a consulting firm was hired
to investigate the problem and
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing
and one person steering: the American team had one person rowing and
eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions
spent analyzing the problem, the
consultant firm concluded that too
many people were steering and not
enough were rowing on the American
team. So as race day neared again the
following year, the
American's team management structure was completely
new structure: four steering managers, three area
managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing
boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the
rower for poor
performance and gave the managers a bonus for
discovering the problem.
This guy is walking with his friend. He says
to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."
The friend replies
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim
and both of these together are putting me into a deep