#41
Q: Why did the bank drive-up window teller
have
tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit?

A:
From crawling across the street when the sign said: "Don't
Walk."
#42
Q: What do you call a credit union volunteer
in
a room full of bank directors?

A: A superior being.
#43
Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax

time?

A: A dependent Claus.
#44
A young man asked an old rich
man how he
made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and
said, "Well, son, it
was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I
was down to my last
nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an
apple. I spent the entire day polishing
the apple and, at the end of
the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I
invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent
the entire day
polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I
continued this
system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated
a fortune of
$1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy
asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and

left us two million dollars."
#45
A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay

telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced
when
the phone went out of commission.

Repeated requests for
repair brought only promises.

After several days, the phone
company was again contacted and told that
there was no longer a
rush.

The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being

returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived
within the hour!
#46
The world is divided into two groups. There
are those who
know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no
problem.

Those who don't know are also in two
groups.

One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can

learn!

But then, there are those who don't know, and don't
know they don't
know. And they become unit managers!
#47
Four corporate presidents, one
English,
one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to
an
international business conference when they were kidnapped by

terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.

"You, your companies, and
you countries are enemies of the
Revolution," screamed the terrorist
leader, "and you're going to be executed!
Do you have any last
requests?"

The Englishman spoke first.

"Before I die, I want
to honor my country and protest this barbaric
act by singing "God
Save The Queen" to all you men."

"That can be arranged," said the
terrorist.

The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country
before I die by
singing "The Marseilles" to your men."

The
Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving

the lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial

management."

The terrorist turned finally to the America
n.

"What is your last request?"

The American replied, "I
want you to kill me right now so I don't
have to listen to another
lecture on the Japanese style of industrial
management!"
#48
Two
neighbors were talking about work,
when one asked, "Say, why did the
foreman fire you?"

Replied
the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing
around
and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People

started thinking I was the foreman."
#49
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood
and called the whole
staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had
picked up. Everybody, but
one girl laughed
uproariously.

"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense
of
humor?"

"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving
Friday."
#50
Tom had this problem of getting up late in
the
morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and

threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom
went to
his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it
before he went to
bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the
morning by almost
two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove
cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, " The pill actually
worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you

yesterday?"
#51
An American automobile company and a Japanese
auto
company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit
River. Both
teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak
performance. On the
big day, they were as ready as they could
be.

The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team
became discouraged by the loss and their
morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be
found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team
of "Executives" was
set up to investigate the problem and to
recommend appropriate
corrective action.

Their conclusion: The problem was that the
Japanese team had 8 people
rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the
American team had 1 person
rowing and 8 people steering. The American
Corporate Steering Committee
immediately hired a consulting firm to
do a study on the management
structure.

After some t
ime and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded
that
"too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To
prevent
losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was

changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff

Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing

the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six
sigma
performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That
ought to
do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two
miles.

The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor
performance, sold
all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments
for new
equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high
performance awards to
the consulting firm, and distributed the money
saved as bonuses to the
senior executives.
#52
ttle Johnny was in class and the teacher
announced that
they were going to try something different to help
everyone get to know
each other a little better, and to help with their
spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the
occupation of
your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give
us all if he was
here today."

The first student raised her
hand to volunteer.

"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go
first."

Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he
was here
today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."


The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin
stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if
he
was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."


"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said,
"My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait,
A-C-K, no..."

n
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut
him off
and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a
while. When
he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up
and try
again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement
hoping to be acknowledged
by the teacher. The teacher called on
little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, "My father is a bookie.
B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here
today, he would give us all 20:1 odds
Jeff will never be able to spell
"accountant."
#53
The Mafia was looking
for a new man to make weekly
collections from
all the private businesses that they were
'protecting'.

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use
a deaf
person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't
be able to
communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well,
on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000.
He
gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe
place.


The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and
sends some
of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the
deaf
collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector
can't
communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an
interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the
money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

r
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The
interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what
you're
talking about."

The hood pulls out a large gun and places it
in the ear of the deaf
collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."


The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf
man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the
third tree
stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ."

The
interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what
you're
talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull
the
trigger."
#54
Before going to Europe on business, a man
drove his
Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask
for an
immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a
back, and
requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my
Rolls-Royce",
the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car
driven into the
bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and
gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the
bank's doors, and asked to
settle up his loan and get his car back. The
loan officer checked the
records and told him, "That will be $5,000
in principal, and $15.40 in
interest." The man wrote out a check,
thanked the loan officer, and
started to walk away.

"Wait
sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out
you
are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?

The
man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in

Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
#55
This guy is selling three parrots. Another
guy
who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are
your
parrots?"
The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000."
"What does he
know?"
"He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences
and is able to solve
mathematical expressions."
"How about the
second one?"
"The second parrot costs $5,000."
"What does he
know?"
"He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve

mathematical expressions, and create computer programs."
"Then what
is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering."
"This one
costs $20,000."
"Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he
know?"
"This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always
call him
'THEIR BOSS.'"
#56
This is the story of four
people named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an
important job
to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could
have
done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because
it
was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but

Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up

that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
#57
Employer: "In this job we need someone

who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last
job, every time anything
went wrong, they said I was
responsible."
#58
The Ten Commandments Of Employment

If
it rings, put it on hold.

If it clunks, call the
repairman.

If it whistles, ignore it.

If it's a friend, stop work and
chat.

If it's the boss, look busy.

If it talks, take
notes.

If it's handwritten, type it.

if it's typed, copy
it.

If it's copied, file it.

If it's Friday, forget
it!
#59
Another friend of mine is a very successful

businessman. He started with five thousand pounds - now he owes

fifty-five million.
#60
When Bernard got fired from his last job they

were really tough. They made him hand back his keys to the
executive
toilets, return his company credit card, give back his company
car, and
even give back his ulcer!