Q: Why did the bank drive-up window teller
tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit?
From crawling across the street when the sign said: "Don't
Q: What do you call a credit union volunteer
a room full of bank directors?
A: A superior being.
Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax
A: A dependent Claus.
A young man asked an old rich
man how he
made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and
said, "Well, son, it
was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I
was down to my last
"I invested that nickel in an
apple. I spent the entire day polishing
the apple and, at the end of
the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I
invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent
the entire day
polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I
system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated
a fortune of
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and
left us two million dollars."
A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay
telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced
the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for
repair brought only promises.
After several days, the phone
company was again contacted and told that
there was no longer a
The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being
returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived
within the hour!
The world is divided into two groups. There
are those who
know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no
Those who don't know are also in two
One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can
But then, there are those who don't know, and don't
know they don't
know. And they become unit managers!
Four corporate presidents, one
one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to
international business conference when they were kidnapped by
terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies, and
you countries are enemies of the
Revolution," screamed the terrorist
leader, "and you're going to be executed!
Do you have any last
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want
to honor my country and protest this barbaric
act by singing "God
Save The Queen" to all you men."
"That can be arranged," said the
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country
before I die by
singing "The Marseilles" to your men."
Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving
the lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial
The terrorist turned finally to the America
"What is your last request?"
The American replied, "I
want you to kill me right now so I don't
have to listen to another
lecture on the Japanese style of industrial
neighbors were talking about work,
when one asked, "Say, why did the
foreman fire you?"
the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing
and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People
started thinking I was the foreman."
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood
and called the whole
staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had
picked up. Everybody, but
one girl laughed
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving
Tom had this problem of getting up late in
morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and
threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom
his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it
before he went to
bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the
morning by almost
two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove
cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, " The pill actually
"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you
An American automobile company and a Japanese
company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit
teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak
performance. On the
big day, they were as ready as they could
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team
became discouraged by the loss and their
morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be
found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team
of "Executives" was
set up to investigate the problem and to
Their conclusion: The problem was that the
Japanese team had 8 people
rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the
American team had 1 person
rowing and 8 people steering. The American
Corporate Steering Committee
immediately hired a consulting firm to
do a study on the management
After some t
ime and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded
"too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To
losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was
changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff
Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing
the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six
performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That
The next year the Japanese team won by two
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor
all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments
equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high
performance awards to
the consulting firm, and distributed the money
saved as bonuses to the
ttle Johnny was in class and the teacher
they were going to try something different to help
everyone get to know
each other a little better, and to help with their
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the
your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give
us all if he was
The first student raised her
hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he
today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if
was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said,
"My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait,
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut
and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a
he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement
hoping to be acknowledged
by the teacher. The teacher called on
little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie.
B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here
today, he would give us all 20:1 odds
Jeff will never be able to spell
The Mafia was looking
for a new man to make weekly
all the private businesses that they were
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use
person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't
be able to
communicate to the police what he was doing.
on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000.
gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe
The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and
of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the
collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector
communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what
The hood pulls out a large gun and places it
in the ear of the deaf
collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the
stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ."
interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what
talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull
Before going to Europe on business, a man
Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask
immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a
requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my
the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car
driven into the
bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and
gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the
bank's doors, and asked to
settle up his loan and get his car back. The
loan officer checked the
records and told him, "That will be $5,000
in principal, and $15.40 in
interest." The man wrote out a check,
thanked the loan officer, and
started to walk away.
sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out
are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?
man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in
Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
This guy is selling three parrots. Another
who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are
The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000."
"What does he
"He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences
and is able to solve
"How about the
"The second parrot costs $5,000."
"What does he
"He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve
mathematical expressions, and create computer programs."
is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering."
"Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he
"This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always
This is the story of four
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an
to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could
done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because
was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but
Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up
that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
Employer: "In this job we need someone
who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last
job, every time anything
went wrong, they said I was
The Ten Commandments Of Employment
it rings, put it on hold.
If it clunks, call the
If it whistles, ignore it.
If it's a friend, stop work and
If it's the boss, look busy.
If it talks, take
If it's handwritten, type it.
if it's typed, copy
If it's copied, file it.
If it's Friday, forget
Another friend of mine is a very successful
businessman. He started with five thousand pounds - now he owes
When Bernard got fired from his last job they
were really tough. They made him hand back his keys to the
toilets, return his company credit card, give back his company
even give back his ulcer!