Why did the doughnut maker retire?
He was
fed up with the hole business.
I need the number of the
Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell
that, please?"
"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E
as in eye. W as in why.
A as in are. Y as in you." The operator pauses.
"Just a minute,
sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor . .
Two Italian
construction workers were in
the field on an extremely hot day working.. the
one says to the
other " hey how come we do all a da work and he gets
all a da money?"
pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I don't
know, go ask
him." So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey,
how come we
do all a da work and you get all a da money?" The
supervisor says
Guido says "what is this intelligence?"
supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my
hand as hard as you
Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit
supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor
pulls his hand
away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor
says "That's
Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and
co-worker says "Hey what did he say?"
With a sheepish look on his face
Guido puts his hand on his
face and says "hita my hand as hard as
you can. . ."
A young businessman rented a beautiful office
furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in.
there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Wanting to
look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was
negotiating a big
deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge
commitments. Finally,
he put down the phone and asked the visitor
"Can I help you?"

The man said, "I've come to install the
The boss called one of his employees into the


"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for
a year. You
started off in the post room, one week later you were
promoted to a sales
position, and one month after that you were
promoted to district manager
of the sales department.

four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now
time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.

"What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

suppose not," the employee said.

"Thanks, Dad."
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported
for his first day of
work. The manager greeted him with a warm
handshake and a smile, gave
him a broom and said, "your first job will
be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the
young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know
that," said the manager. "Here, give
me the broom, I'll show you
"Young man, do you think you can handle a
of work?"

"I ought to be able to. I've had ten
different jobs in four
An applicant was filling out a job
When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He

answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who
had answered in the
affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The
applicant answered it anyway:
"Never got caught."
An Arthur Anderson partner comes
back to
his office and says to his manager, "Did you get my message
where I
said, 'Ship the Enron documents to the Feds'?"

The manager
goes white. "Oh My God! I thought you said rip the Enron
documents to
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make

weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were

'protecting.' Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide
to use a
deaf person for this job, figuring if he were to get
caught, he
wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was

In his first week, the deaf collector picks up more than
$40,000. He
gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in
a safe place.

The Mafia boss soon realizes the collection is
late and sends some of
his thugs after the deaf collector. The thugs
drag the guy to an

The right-hand man says to
the interpreter, "Ask him where da money

interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf collector signs, "I
don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells
the main man, "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking abo

The main man pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of
the deaf
collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."

interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf collector
signs, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central
Park just east of the
big fountain."

The interpreter's eyes light up, and he says to
the thug, "He says he
still doesn't know what you're talking
about, and doesn't think you
have the guts to pull the trigger."
An American manufacturer is showing his
machine factory to a
potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the
lunch whistle blows,
two thousand men and women immediately stop
work and leave the building.

"Your workers, they're escaping!"
cries the visitor. "You've got
to stop them."

"Don't worry,
they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at
exactly one
o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return
their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his
guest and says,
"Well, now, which of these machines would you like
to order?"

"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do
you want for
that whistle?"
investment counselor decided to go out
on her own. She was shrewd and diligent,
so business kept coming
in, and pretty soon she realized that she
needed an in-house counsel.
The investment banker began to interview young

I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the

first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must

be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an

honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me
tell you something about
honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father
lent me $15,000 for my
education, and I paid back every penny the
minute I tried my very first

"Impressive. And what sort
of case was that?" asked the investment

lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the
Did you hear about the banker who was

recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in
college, was leading him
away in handcuffs, he said to the banker,
"I have just one question for
you. Where were you going to get the
rest of the money?"
"The fees for
withdrawing money from your
ATM machines are expected to double, even
triple. You're gonna pay
two to three as much to withdraw your money so
basically the ATM
machines have become full service. Instead of getting
robbed at the
ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the
middle man."
- Jay Leno
"I'm not saying that the customer service in

my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the
clerk to
check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and
said to the
bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald
Jones, who I
understand is a tried and trusted employee of

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be
as soon as we catch him."
The banker fell overboard from a friend's

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not
knowing if the
banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float

"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time
talk business."
According to inside contacts, the Japanese
banking crisis
shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's
getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had
folded, we are
hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai
Bank plans to cut back
some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for
sale, and it is (you
guessed it!) going for a

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office

staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is

something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a

raw deal.
A motorist, driving by a
Texas ranch, hit
and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver
went to
the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then
what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the
rancher. "But in six years it would
have been worth $900. So $900 is
what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and
handed it to the

"Here," he said, "is the check for
$900. It's postdated six years
from now."
Tom was so excited about his promotion to
President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it
his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it
any longer, and told him, "Listen, it
means nothing, they even have
a vice president of peas at the grocery

he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to
call the
grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk
to the Vice President
of peas?"

The clerk replies "Canned
or frozen?"