#1
Why
did the electrician close early on
Mondays?
Because business was very light.
#2
The Americans and the Japanese decided to
engage in a boat
race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach
their peak
performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The
Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the loss.
Morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be
found, so a consulting firm was hired to
investigate the problem and
recommend corrective action.
The
Japanese team had six people rowing and one person steering and

rowing; the American team had two people rowing and five people steering.

After a year of study and thousands spent analyzing the problem, the

consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and
not
enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared
again the
following year, the American team's management structure
was completely
reorganized. The new structure for the American
s was: one quality
assurance manager, two steering managers, one
area steering managers, and a
new performance review manager for the
two people rowing the boat to
provide work incentive.
That
year, the Japanese won by TWO miles !!!
Humiliated, the American
corporation laid off the rowers for poor
performance and gave the
managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
#3
The social
worker asked the bartender
"What's the difference between your job and
mine?"
The bartender
replied: "I only had to go to bartender school for 6
weeks and I
learned to mix a very good drinks, than wait a couple of hours
to
have people tell me their innermost thoughts while you went to
school
for 6 years, paid thousands and thousands of dollars, sit session

after session using technique after technique, and you still may never

hear them!!!
#4
INTERVIEWER to job
applicant: "Do you
think you could come up with any reason you want this
job other than
your parents want you out of their house?"
#5
Boss: "I can assure you that the value of the

average employee will continue to increase."
Employee: "That's
because there will be fewer of us doing more work,
right?"

Boss: "Right. Except for the 'us' part."
#6
Boss: "I've decided to use humor in the
office. Experts say humor
eases tension, which is important in times
when the work force is being
trimmed.
"Knock knock."

Employee: "Who's there?"
Boss: "Not you anymore."
#7
After being laid off from five
different
jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse. One day he

lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying

the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold

ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much
will it
cost?" asked Arnold. "About $4,500," said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold. 'I've finally got job

security!"
#8
A businessman who needed millions of dollars
to
clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.

By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an

urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100
into the
other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the
church.The
businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now,
Lord, that I have
your undivided attention .... "
#9
'I'm very sad to announce this morning,
girls, that
Miss Jones has decided to retire,' said the principal at
morning
assembly. ' Now we will all stand and sing this morning's
hymn....now
Thank We All Our God.'
#10
An American manufacturer is showing his

machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the
lunch
whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop
work and
leave the building.

"Your workers, they're
escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got
to stop them."

"Don't
worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at
exactly
one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return
from
their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to
his guest and says,
"Well, now, which of these machines would you
like to order?"

"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much
do you want for
that whistle?"
#11
Two government economists were returning

home from a field meeting. As with all government travelers, they were

assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were
occupying
the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.

They
continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the

subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally

one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they

could talk and he could sleep.

After switching seats, one
economist remarked to the other that it was
the first time an
economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.
#12
Kowalski, fresh out of
accounting school,
went to a interview for a good paying job. The
company boss asked
various questions about him and his education, but then
asked him,
"What is three times seven?"

"Twenty-two," Kowalski
replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he

should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get
the
job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he
was hired for the
job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the
mouth, but was still
very curious.

The next day, Kowalski
went in and asked why he got the job, even
though he got such a simple
question wrong. The boss shrugged and said,
"Well, you were the
closest."
#13
Mom and Dad are in the iron and
steel
business.
She does the ironing and he does the stealing.
#14
There was once a high-powered businessman who

insisted on taking his three secretaries everywhere with him - a
tall
one for writing longhand, a short one for taking down shorthand,
and a
very small one for adding footnotes.
#15
On the first day his son joined the family

firm, the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and

said,

'I am going to give you your very first lesson in
business. Stand on
the edge of the roof.'

Reluctantly, the
boy went to stand on the edge of the roof.

'Now,' said his
father, 'when I say, "Jump," I want you to jump
off the roof.'


'But, Dad,' said the boy, 'there's a huge drop!'

'Do
you want to succeed in business?'

'Yes, Dad.'

'And
you trust me, don't you?'

'Yes, Dad.'

'So do as I
say and jump.'

The boy jumped. He crashed to the ground and lay
there, winded and
bruised. His father went racing down the stairs
and ran up to him.

That was your first lesson in business, son.


Never trust anyone.'
#16
What did the ruthless businessman say to

his employees?
If at first you don't succeed - you're fired!
#17
What
happens when business is slow at a
medicine factory?
You can hear a cough drop.
#18
Monster: Stick 'em down.
Ghost: Don't
you mean, stick 'em up.
Monster: No wonder I'm not making much
money in this business.
#19
Did you hear about the businessman who is so
rich he
has two swimming pools, one of which is always empty?

It's for people who can't swim!
#20
What business is King Kong in?
Monkey
business.