How old were you on your last birthday?
And how old will you be on your next birthday?
Oh, I don't think that's possible.
Oh, yes it is - I'm nine
happened to me yesterday that
will never, ever, happen to me again.
How can you be so sure?
was 10 years old yesterday.
Sam's girlfriend's birthday was the same
day as his
father's. He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume
and his father a
He wrapped the perfume and wrote a
note to his girlfriend, saying,
'Use this all over yourself and
think of me.'
Unfortunately he put the note on his father's
When is your birthday?
What did you get for your birthday?
A kindly old lady came across a little boy
sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. 'What's the matter?'
asked. 'It's my birthday!' he hollered. 'And I had a
bicycle and a
new tracksuit and this afternoon there's to be a party
with crisps and
jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. .
.' and he had to
stop talking because he was crying so hard.
'But that's lovely,' said the old lady. 'Why are you crying?'
'Because I'm lost!'
I'd like to say
something nice about you
as it's your birthday.
Why don't you?
Because I can't think
of a single thing to say!
Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief
for your birthday.
Harry: That was a kind thought. But why
Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.
Fred: Have you noticed that your
smells a bit funny these days?
Harry: No. Why?
Fred: Well, your
sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet
water for her
The housewife answered a knock on the door
and found a total
stranger standing on the doorstep.
for disturbing you, ma'am," he said politely, "but I
house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that
you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of
"That's right." "Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of
bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate
cake." "Well, today is his birthday."
Good news! I've been given a goldfish for my
. . .the bad news is that I don't get the bowl until
First boy: Are you having a party for your
Second boy: No, I'm having a witch do.
What's a witch do?
Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting
Johnny was racing
around the garden on his
new bicycle and called out to his mother to
watch his tricks.
'Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No
Home - A -
excellent essay for someone your age," said the English
"How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?"
school, Simon," said the nursery school teacher to the
"How old are you?" "I'm not old," said Simon. "I'm nearly
Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school
"How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred.
"I'm not going
to tell you that," she replied.
"But Mr Hill the technical teacher
and Mr Hill the geography teacher
told me how old they were."
"Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I'm the same age as both of them."
poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote:
Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as
"Now remember, boys and girls," said the science
teacher, "you can
tell a tree's age by counting the rings in
a cross section. One ring
for each year."
Fred went home for
tea and found a chocolate roll on the table.
"I'm not eating that,
Mum!" she said. "It's five years old."
You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate
Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma?
Grandma: Yes, I do.
Fred: Well, you can have mine.
How old is your
From which direction?
eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was
that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.
right,' said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I
enemy in the world. They're all dead.'
`Well, sir,' said the
interviewer, `I hope very much to have the
honour of interviewing
you on your hundredth birthday.'
The old man looked at the young
man closely, and said, `I can't see
why you shouldn't. You
look fit and healthy to me!'
A couple have not been getting along for years,
so the husband
"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
year, her birthday rolls around again and this
time he doesn't get
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
A man asked his wife, "What would you most
like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early
went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park
- the Death
Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a
go on every ride
She staggered out of the theme
park five hours later, her head reeling
and her stomach
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey,
I meant dress