Q: what's a biologists definition of a
A: an animal with a long neck
Do molecular biologists
wear designer
A couple of biologists had twins.
they called John and the other control.
Q: How so you call a
member of the
finacial staff of the faculty of Biology?
A: A Buy-ologist.
"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a

pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says "That'll be 80p
old mountain man in Arkansas was sick
and bedridden. He had not been
outdoors for a few weeks and had a
sharp craving for a meal of wild
squirrel. He summoned his
half-idiot son into the room and instructed him to
go squirrel hunting and
bring him back a squirrel or two. He also told
his son to be very
careful not to shoot the squirrel in the head as he
would need its
brains later to "tan" the squirrel's pelt. (Tanning a
skin using the
animal's brains is a common practice in certain areas,
generally takes about one brain to tan one skin).

The idiot son spent
most of the day searching the woods for tree
squirrels, but was not
having any luck. Finally, high up in a sweet-gum tree,
he spotted a
squirrel's head sticking out from a hole. He remembered
his Pa's
admonitions to save the brains. After deciding he may not have

another chance, he shot it in the head, thus ruining the brains.

His sick Pa was upset, "I can't tan that skin without no brains!"
said, "Now what am I a gonna do?" Thinking quickly, he
that up on the river there were 3 fisheries biologists doing some

"Well, we're only tanning one squirrel skin,
walk up the river and
shoot one of them dang fish biologists and
I'll use his brains to tan
the skin," he told the son. The son did as
he was told and soon returned
with the prize. As it turned out, the
brain wasn't large enough and
the boy was upset as he would have
to make another trip to harvest the
other two biologist's

"Look on the bright side, boy", the old man told him, "Two more

ought to be just enough. We'd have been in real trouble if they was

A biologist had been
working on a remote
research project in the Amazon jungle. Upon his
return to the
States, he came down with a terrible illness. After his health
deteriorated, his wife took him to a doctor who specialized in
jungle diseases. The doctor gave him a complete examination and a

series of tests. After receiving the results of the tests, the doctor

called the wife into his office alone. He told the young biologist's

wife, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease,
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your
husband will
surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be
and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a
meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for
him. Don't burden him
with chores, and generally do anything he asks.
Don't discuss your
problems with him, as it will only make
his stress worse. And most
importantly, make love with your
husband several times a week and satisfy his
every whim. " If you can do
this for the next 10 months or so, I think
your husband will regain
his health completely. Otherwise.......well...
He'll probably

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the

she replied. "Honey.....he says you're probably
going to die."
group of goose biologists were meeting
to brainstorm about the migration
tactics of Canada geese. They
were particularly interested in applying
for a $100,000 Federal grant
to investigate the "V" formation of goose
flight. It had been
observed that one side of the "V" is always
longer than the other side.
This group would put together a research
proposal to apply for the
$100,000 grant and hopefully find out why this

start off the discussion, Todd, the Consulting Firm Biologist stands

up and says in typical consultant fashion, "I say we ask for $200,000,

and attempt to model the wind drag coefficients. We can have our

geologists record and map the ground topography and then our staff

meteorologists can predict potential updraft currents. Our internal
department can then produce 3-d drawings of the predicted wing
tip vortices.
Then, after several years of study, our in-house
publications department
could produce a nice thick report full of
charts and graphs."

The Senior Research Biologist, a professor
at the local university,
cleared his throat and responded, "No, no!,
That's not it at all. We
only need $150,000. We can train a group
of domesticated geese to fly in
formations of equal length and then
compare their relative fitness to
wild geese. We can then publish
the results in the Journal of Wildlife

then, the hardworking field biologist stands up and begins
walking for
the door. "Where are you going?" the group asks. "I'm
leaving" he
replies, "I've heard enough. No one has to give me $100,000 to

find out that the reason one side of the "V" is longer is simply

because there are more damn geese on that side!"
A biologist from the North Pole was showing
a new
recruit the ropes of a polar bear radio tracking program. The
recruit said, "I know how the transmitters work, but I have one

question--how do you catch the polar bears in the first place?" "I
bet you use
high-powered tranquilizer dart guns, right?"
no!" the experienced biologist replied, "we use an ancient
technique, developed centuries ago. First, we dig a huge hole in the

ice. Next, we place a circle of green peas all the way around the hole.

Then, we go hide behind some ice blocks and wait. Finally, when a
bear comes up to take a pea, we kick him in the ice-hole
There were these two Engineers who decided

they would go moose hunting in the backwoods of British Columbia. As
happened, they lucked out and got a moose. Unfortunately, they
about a mile from their truck. They were having a tough time
dragging the
animal by the hind legs when a Wildlife Biologist
happened upon them.

He said, "You know, the hair follicles on a moose
have a grain to them
that causes the hair to lie toward the back.
The way you are dragging
moose, it increases your coefficient
of friction by a huge margin. If
grab it by the antlers and
pull, you will find the work required to be

The Engineers thanked him and started dragging the moose by the

antlers. After about an hour, one Engineer said, "I can't believe how
it is to move this moose this way. I sure am glad we ran
across that

"Yeah.", said the other. "But we'
re getting further and further
away from our truck."
young biologist was sitting on a stump
at the edge of their camp. On his
face was the saddest hangdog
expression. One of the other biologists
saw his sad looks and asked,
"What's the matter?"

The young biologist said, "They put me in
the same tent with old
Doctor Perkins. He snores all night, takes a
bath once a month, and talks
non-stop about back when he studied
passenger pigeons. He's so damn old,
I think he was a lackey for
Charles Darwin. He generally just makes my
life Hell. We had a big
fight about it and they split us up for a

The older
biologist said, "That should make you happy."

The young biologist
sadly shook his head and said, "Not when the month
is up today!"
A wildlife biologist is working in the
miles from the nearest town. He's camped alone with his dog and
cat as
his companions. Suddenly, an old gentleman carrying a small
limp dog,
franticly runs into his camp.
"Please, please help
me! I think something has happened to Willie. Our
Winnebago is parked
just around the bend and we've seen you camped
here. We didn't
know what to do. We thought of you because we had seen
all this
scientific equipment laying around here. Can you help him?"
" Sir, I'm
not a vet, I'm a wildlife biologist," the young
biologist told the
worried man.
"Can you please just have a look at him, I'll pay you
anything you
need. I just need to know. If he's still alive, maybe
I can rush him
into town."
"Ok, put him here on the table." The
young biologist looks the limp
dog over, but its plain that the dog
is dead,, no pulse or signs of

"I'm sorry
sir, but I'm afraid poor Willie is dead."
"No, I can't believe
that..... It can't be true...are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm quite
"I just can't believe that....With all this equipment, isn't
something you can do? I must be absolutely sure."
biologist called his big yellow cat over to the table. The cat
around the dead dog, occasionally sniffing at the carcass. He then
up at the biologist and let out a few weak meows.
"Well, the cat say
he's dead. Does that assure you?"
"No, I need more than that...Do
you have anything else?"
The biologist calls over his big black dog.
The dog circles the body a
few times, sniffing it every now and
then. After a few moments, the dog
barks at the biologist.
now the dog says he's dead. That's all I can do for you

"OK, well I guess its true. I'll take him back and bury him...How

much do I owe you?"
"It'll be $650 bucks." The biologist tells
the old man.
"What??", replied the old man, "How can you charge
that much??!!"
"Well sir, I could have told you he was dead for only a
dollar, but
you're the one that insisted on the cat scan and the
lab tests!"
A University had advertised for two
biologists to help in their
mammalogy department, specifically with a group
of captive grizzly bears.
They had only two applicants - a
beautiful young women biologist and an
older male biologist.

mammalogist in charge of the project knew that not everyone can
working with such fierce creatures so he decided to test their

skills with the bears. The two hopefuls followed him out to the bear pen.

He first asked the young women to show him what she could do.

She entered the cage, stripped down to her bikini, and the largest
walked up and nuzzled her bare legs.

The astonished
mammalogist then said to the old man, "Can you
do that?"

"You're darn right I can," said the old man, "just get that bear
out of
there first !"
An 8th grade boy was doing some
for his career report at school. He asks his dad, "Father, how
wildlife biologists work for the Federal Government?"

honest father replies, "Oh, I would say at least half of
Garvin the mammalogist, was in Alaska

studying polar bear. In sub-zero weather, he would spend 7 days out on
ice. But, after his 7 days in the field, he would return to the
small town
and spend a day or two resting up and drinking in the
only bar in town.

On one particular day it was 40 below zero and
Garvin made his way into
the bar. He asked Bud, the bartender, for a

"I don't know, Garvin, you sure have run-up a big
bill in here." The
bartender told him.
" I know," Garvin replied,
"But I'm flat broke, and I sure could
use a drink.
"OK," The
barkeep told him, "I'll just write your tab down on the
piece of
paper and pin it up here by the coat rack."
"Oh no, don't do that, I
don't want everyone in town to see it.
"Don't worry," The bartender
replied, "I'm going to cover it up
with your parka until its
A logger is driving down the highway and
sees two botanists
trying to measure the height of a small pine tree.
Their tape measure is
not long enough so one botanist stands on the
shoulders of the other
and attempts to extend the tape to the tree
top but it is not long
enough. While trying, he falls to the
ground. They attempt this about five
times and each time the top botanist
falls. The logger is laughing but
feels sorry for the pair, gets
out of his truck, takes out an electric
saw and cuts down the tree.
The botanists are looking at him like he is
crazy. He then takes a
tape measure and measures the tree. "OK guys,
the tree is 14' 6."
He then gets in his truck and drives away. The two
botanists are
stunned and speechless. Finally one says to the other
,"How do you
like that, we are trying to measure the height of the tree
and that
stupid jerk measures the width."
Ben was assigned a new wildlife technician
and she was driving
him crazy. She was blonde and pretty and
insisted on carrying beauty
products in a little field bag - nail polish,
hair care products, gels,
creams and so on.

One day they
were driving the rugged four-wheel drive down a dirt road
when a big
rabbit ran in front of them and was hit by the truck. Ben
over and walks back to the dead rabbit. He felt terrible, but there

was clearly nothing he could do for the dead creature.

His blonde
partner pipes in and yells, "Waite, I have just the


She races back to the truck and begins to rifle through her beauty

products. Ben watches as brushes and combs fly from the bag. Finally
races back with an aerosol can and sprays the dead rabbit with
contents. Immediately the rabbit springs to its feet, waves
goodbye, hops a
few feet, pauses and waves again. The rabbit repe
ats this strange
behavior...wave-hop-wave-hop, until it disappears
over the hill.

Ben is amazed and asks, "What in the world is in
that can?"

The blonde biologists says, " Duh...look at the

You guessed it....

"Hair Spray .... Immediately
revives dead hair and creates a permanent
Dan had been studying whales for over 20

years and had made some thrilling breakthroughs regarding their

communication. He had managed to decode many of their underwater sounds
and to
translate them into English. His latest research had proved
that they
can communicate over a distance of 300 miles. When asked
what could they
possibly have to say at such distances he replied,

"As best as we can figure, it is something like - Hey, can you
hear me
A wildlife biologist crew
leader has
several crews, each consisting of two biologists. The crews
camped and
worked in the woods and he made his rounds to visit each pair
few days. One particular crew, Sarah and Jim, were not getting

nearly as much work accomplished as the others, so he suspected that they

might be up to some funny business. The following day, he paid them

"Is anything funny going on here"? he
"What do you mean by that?" the pair asked back.
"I mean, you're not
getting much fieldwork done. Are you two, you
know, maybe doing
something you're not supposed to do?"
"Absolutely not!" the Jim
replied. " We are strictly co-workers"
"Oh yes," the Sarah replied, " We
hike all day, record our data,
return back, and fall asleep
"That's right!" Jim replied, "and me in my tent, and she in

The crew supervisor spent the remainder of the day in th
e field with
the pair. He left the field early, returned to camp,
retrieved his Jeep
and left the area.

The following day, the
biologist pair had lost their $1000 GPS unit.
They searched high
and low, but could not find it. It had simply
disappeared from their
camp. After a few frantic days, they suspected that the
crew leader
had taken it. It was the only plausible explanation. That
they called him on the 2-way radio, and politely asked weather
may have inadvertently taken the unit.

"As a matter of fact, I
did take it the day I came up to see if you
two were sleeping
together. After realizing I had accidentally taken it
with me from the
field, I placed it in Sarah's sleeping bag where she
would be sure to
find it!"
A pair of biologists are studying terns on a

rock island just off the coast. While walking on a distant part of
island, they are shot at by a group of thugs operating a pot
farm. This
happens several times and the local law enforcement
refuses to

On their last day on the island they
happen into a huge pile of
harvested grass that has been set out to dry.
Quickly they decide to set it on
fire to pay the thugs back for
shooting at them. The fire takes off and
sends plumes of smoke into
the sky. As they are running for their boat,
they notice that the
soaring birds are acting weird, spiraling out of
control and crashing
into the trees.

The next day they read the headlines in the
local paper:

Pot Farm Burns - No Tern Left Unstoned.