A Texan walks
into a pub
in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He
"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500

American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness


The room is quiet and no one takes up the
Texan's offer. One man even
leaves. Thirty minutes later the same
gentleman who left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is
your bet still good?", asks
the Irishman.

The Texan says
yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses
drinking them
all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan
sits in

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If
ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you
were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to
the pub down the street to
see if I could do it first".
Sign seen in a bar:

"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."
A man in a bar
sees a
friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he
comments, "You look terrible. What's the

"My mother
died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's
tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My
father died, leaving me

"Wow. Two parents gone in
two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt
died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in
three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the
friend, "nothing!"
A guy comes
walking into
a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black
and blue, two of his legs are bandaged,
and his whole shell is
taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and
"What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Not a thing," the
man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than
your dog!"
a chance!", replies the barkeep.

"Okay then, says the guy...
you take your dog and let him stand at one
end of the bar. Then go
and stand at the other end of the room and call
your dog. I'll bet
you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my
turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of

three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and
throws it across the room,
narrowly missing the bartender, and
smashing into the wall and says -

"I WIN... Told you it'll
be there before your dog!"
A guy
walked into a bar
and said
"Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender."

when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the

bartender beat him up.

The next day the guy did the same thing,
ordered a beer for everyone,
even the bartender, and the bartender beat
him up since the guy
couldn't pay.

Then the next day, the
guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you,

bartender said "Why?"

The guy replyed "You're violent when
you're drunk!"
After the Great Britain Beer
Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out
for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I
would like the
world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off
a bottle from
the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from
Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world,
give me 'The
King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky

Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy
from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The
bartender is
a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other
brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you

drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I

figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
An armless man walked into a

bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a
drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he
would get
the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the

glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man
finished his drink. He then asked
if the bartender would get a hanky
from his pocket and wipe the foam
from his lips.

bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to
have arms
and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man
said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is
your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replies -,
closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the
hotdog walks into a
bar and orders a beer.

The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't
serve food here".
cowboy walks in to a
bar and says," I want a beer." So after he drank
his beer he was
about to leave then he noticed that his horse was
gone.He shouted," if
i dont get my horse back after this beer i am gonna
have to do what
i did in Georgia. So he finished his beer and he saw his
horse was
back so he got on and rode a little, then the bartender asked
the window what did you have in Georgia? i had to walk home.
There was this little guy sitting

inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a

half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next

to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.

The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come

on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I
can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that.
Today is the worst day of my life. First, I
overslept and was late
for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and
then fired me.

"When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was
The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to
return home,
and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I
found that I
left my whole wallet in the cab.

"I got
home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left

home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about

putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."
A Congressman was once asked
about his attitude toward whiskey. "If
you mean the demon drink
that poisons the mind, pollutes the body,
desecrates family life, and
inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

But if you mean the
elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against
winter chill, the taxable
potion that puts needed funds into public coffers
to comfort little
crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my
position, and I
will not compromise."
A man is in a bar having a

drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks
the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off
again. This
time he picks the guy up and asks, ''Where do you

Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts
him in the
back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the
guy's house, the
man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3
times before
getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell
and the guy's wife
comes to the door. The man says, ''Hello,
I've brought your husband

The wife looks at the man
and asks, ''Where's his wheel
One day an Englishman, an

American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to

each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy

their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued

drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Canadian picked the fly
out of his drink and started shaking it
over the pint, yelling...

A guy stumbles
through the
front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a

The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,"I'm sorry sir, but
can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink." The
swears and walks out of the bar.

Five minutes later the
guy comes flying through the side door of the
bar, and yells for a

Again the bartender says,"I'm sorry, sir...but I can't
you...you've already had too much to drink!"

minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back
of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer.

Again, the bartender says to the man..."I'm really sorry, sir, but

you've had too much to drink...you're going to have to leave!"

The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, "My God,

man... How many bars do you work at?!!!"
A man walks in to a bar and
says to the
bartenter " Give me twenty shots of your best singlemalt
scotch quick!"]
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks
them as fast as he

The bartender says " Wow. I never
saw anybady drink that fast."

The man says " well you would drink
as fast as I do if you had what I

The bartender says
" Oh my god . what is it. what do you have?"

The man looks at
him and says " Fifty cents."
There were these three
brothers that were
very close to each other. The brothers always went to a
local bar on
every Friday at 5:30 on the dot.
When the brothers
got married they all got married to their wifes to be
on the same
day and at the same place.

When the brothers moved away from
each other to go on with their lives
with their new wife, they all
promised each other that they would still
go to the bar every friday
at 5:30 and drink for each other.

On the first Friday that the
brothers were separated, the first brother
went to a local bar and
ordered three drinks. He took one sip from the
first glass the took
one sip from the second glass then from the third.
He did this
until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and
went home.

This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally
why he did that. The guy explained about the promise th
at he had with his
brothers. The bartender said that he thought
that was a very good
promise to keep with each other.

One day
the same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer.
bartender thinking something awful has happened, said "I am awfully

sorry about your brother."

The guy not knowing anything about
what the bartender was talking about
said "What happened to him?" The
bartender said that when he only
ordered two drinks instead of
three he thought that something awful had

The brother
then said "No, nothing happened to my brother, I just
decided to
give up alcohol."
A drunk stammers out of a bar

and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm

The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm
Jesus Christ.''

So the drunk says it to the second priest.

The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''

The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into
bar with the priests.

The bartender takes on look at the
drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus
Christ, you're here again?''