John & Jessica were on their
home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the
police. The
officer told John that he was stopped because his tail
light was burned
out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't
realize it was
out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then
Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two
ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's
license and after looking at it said,
"Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize
that it
had expired and would take care of it first thing in the

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent
you a letter
telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him

in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice,
will you shut up!"

The officer then leaned over
toward Jessica and asked. "Does your
husband always talk to you
like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
A good samaritan was walking

home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk.

Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep".
you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the

second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want
face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he
was the
one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he
came to and
shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However,
when he went
back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked
that drunk "Do you
live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you
"Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the
first drunk. Then
went back downstairs.

Where, to his
surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to
him. But b
efore he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman
cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.

He's been doing
nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and
throwing me down
the elevator shaft!"
A man walks into a bar and
says, "Bartender, give me two shots."
Bartender says, "You want them
both now or one at a time?" The guy
says," Oh, I want them both
now. One's for me and one's for this
little guy here," and he pulls
a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He
can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender
pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks
it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the
bar and says, "Hey,
Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to
the end of the bar and
picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down
and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock.
"That's amazing" he says, "what
else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time w
were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's
A man who smelled like a
distillery flopped on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man's tie
was stained, his face was plastered with
red lipstick, and a half
empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few
minutes, the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say,
father, what causes

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so
strong. How long
did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it
father. I was just reading here that the Pope
A man walks into a bar, and
as he makes his
way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone
in the bar. As he
finishes with each group of people, they all get
up and leave and go stand
outside the window, looking in. Finally,
the bar is empty except for
this guy and the bartender. The man
walks up to the counter, and says to
the bartender, "I bet you $1,000
that I can spray beer from my mouth
into a shot glass from thirty
feet away, and not get any outside the

The bartender
thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his
$1,000, so he
agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty
and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He

doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender

looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000,

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the

nwindow $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over
A circus owner
into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little

show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck
its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for
for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus
owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your
duck is a ripoff! I put
him on the pot before a whole audience, and he
didn't dance a
single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember
to light the
candle under the pot?"
A neutron walks into a bar.

"I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?"
replies the bartender, "no charge"
John was sitting outside his

local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good

about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts

decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of
yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin!
Alcohol is the blood of the

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother
Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How
can you be sure that what
you are saying is right?"

be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it

is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun,
sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman
to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will
ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he

lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka
in a

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
Two guys
were in a bar,
and they were both watching the television when the news
came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously

suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet
$10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the
television closed his eyes and threw himself off
the bridge. The second guy
hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said
the first guy. "I cheated you. The
same story was on the five
o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said
the second guy. "I saw the five
o'clock news too. I just didn't think
the guy was dumb enough to
jump again!"
serious drunk walked
into a bar and, after staring for some time at the
only woman seated
at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She
jumped up and
slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained,
sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she


"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a

Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a
female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver
cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman
says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies,
"That's not good

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says,
"That's not
creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says,
"Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
A number twelve walks into a

bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

"Sorry I can't
serve you," states the barman.

"Why not?!" asks the number
twelve with anger showing in its voice.

"You're under 18," replies
the barman.
A man stumbles up to the
only other patron in
a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

'Why, of course,' comes the reply.
The first man then asks,
'Where are you from?'

'I'm from Ireland,' replies the second

The first man responds by saying, 'You don't say. I'm
from Ireland
too. Let's have another round to Ireland.'

course,' replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks,
'Where in Ireland are you from?'

'Dublin,' comes the
'I can't believe it,' says the first man, 'I'm from Dublin too.

Let's have another drink to Dublin.'

'Of course,'
replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man
asks, 'What school did you
go to?'

'St Mary's,' replies the
second man, 'I graduated in 1962.'

'This is unbelievable,'
the first man says. 'I went to St Mary's
and I graduated in
1962 too.'

About that time, one of the regulars comes in and
sits down at the bar.

'What's been going on?' he asks the

'Nothing much,' replies the barman. 'The O'Malley twins
are drunk
A guy walks into a bar
carrying a pair of jumper
cables. He sets 'em down on the bar. And then
the bartender said "Now dont
you start anything!!"
men who are out
walking their dogs meet on a street corner. One says to
the other, "Boy
it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the
bar and get a
beer, but the sign on the front door says, "No Pets
Allowed," and I
can't leave Fido alone on the street."

The other man replies,
"No problem, just stand by the door and watch
me, and you'll be
having that beer real soon!" The second man reaches
into his pocket
and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks
into the bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring
that dog
in here!" The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my
dog!" The bartender says, "Oh, okay then." The man drinks
his beer and

The first man then puts on dark
sunglasses and goes into the bar. The
bartender looks up and says, "Hey
buddy, you can't bring that dog in
here!" The man says, "But
I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!"

The bartender
says, "Oh really? I've never heard of a Chihuahua
seeing-eye dog!"

The man, thinking quickly, blurts out, "Oh, man! You mean they
gave me
a Chihuahua?"
Last New
Year's Eve,
one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it
was time to
get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every
husband to be
standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

It was embarrassing - The bartender was almost crushed to death.
A pirate was talking to a

"land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any

self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of
hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to
find out how
the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,
"How did you
loose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost
me leg in a battle off the coast of
Jamaica!" His new acquaintance
was still curious so he asked, "What about
you hand. Did you lose
it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to
the sharks off the Florida
Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I
notice you also have an eye
patch. How did you lose your eye?"

The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew

over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How
could a
little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

e pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook."
"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a

'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next

"Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you
when you've
drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for

An Indian,
a Rabbi, the
Pope, an Italian, and an Irishman all walk into a bar
together and
sit down. The bartender looks at all 5 of them and says,
"What is
this... some kind of joke?"
At the end of the night a
man leaves the bar.
Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and
slaps her in the face.
Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks
her over.

He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's
done he bends down
to her and says, "not so tough tonight, are you