A fellow decides to
off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes

at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After

leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his
house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes
off his shoes and
starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the
stairs though, he
falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That
have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint
bottles in
his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his

back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he

checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was
cut up
terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under
circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morn
ing, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he
hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when
wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last
night," she said. "Where'd you

"I worked late," he
said, "and I stopped off for a couple of

"A couple of
beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got
plastered last
night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last
night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when
I got up this
morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the
A small balding man storms

into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest
you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The
noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours
him a double
of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and
says, "Gimme
another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says,
"Now, before I
give you this, why don't you let off a little steam
and tell me why
you're so upset?"

So, the man begins his
tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next
door, when this gorgeous
blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at
the bar. I thought,
"Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it
was kind of a
fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the
blonde leans
over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to
have dinner
and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening,
and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my

head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar.
seemed just too good to be true."

He continued, "She
took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up
to her room. She
said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be
ready to go down
to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I
put my feet
up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and
starts fumbling with the door."

"The blonde says, 'Oh my god,
it's my boyfriend. He must have lost
his wrestling match tonight,
he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"

"So, I opened the closet,
but I figured that was probably the first
place he would look, so I
didn't hide there. Then I looked under the
bed, but no, I figured
he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could
hear the key in the
lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out
and wa
s hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see


The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit
at this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy
finally get the door open and he yells
out, 'Who you been with now,
you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody,
honey, now calm

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door
the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy,
glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed
and throw
it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there
either. Then
I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the
window?' I think,
'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'

But, the
blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince
him to
stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I
water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a

bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher
scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I
mean, look
at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten
me mad for sure."
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy
starts slamming the
window shut over and over on my hands. I mean,
look at my fingers.
They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto
this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says,
"Yeah, buddy, I can
understand why you are so upset."

that wasn't what really got me so angry though."

The bartender
then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally
make you

"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and
down--I was only about six inches off the ground."
Every night, after dinner, a
man took off for
the local tavern. He spent the whole evening
there, and arrived home very
drunk around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the

door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and
him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for
constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But,
continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was
talking to a friend about her husband's
behavior, and was
particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then
said, "Why don't you treat him a
little differently, when he comes
home? Instead of berating him, why
don't you give him some loving
words, and welcome him home with a kiss?
He then might change his

The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight,
arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him
at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the
door, and let
Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always
done, she took
his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him
down in an easy
chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his
shoes off. Then she
went behind him, and started to cuddle him a
little. After a little
while, she said to him, "It's pretty late,
dear. I think we had better go
upstairs to bed, now, don't you

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we
might as
well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife
when I get home
man walks into a bar
and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets
it down. While he
is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and
steals the pint
of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man
asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the
player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you
your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum

it, I'll play it."
A man drinks a shot of
whiskey every
night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him
to quit; she
gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the
other with

After getting him to the table that had
the glasses, she brings his
bait box. She says "I want you to see
this." She puts a worm in the
water it, and it swims

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then

says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have
say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I
drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
The drunk was

floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into

a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"


"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get.
When I get drunk I see snakes,
and I'm scared to death of snakes.
That's why I got this mongoose, for

the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of
box, "So is the mongoose."
It seems a gentleman had too

much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a

state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a
line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out
a ticket
and had just given it to the driver before an accident in
the opposite
lane took his attention to more important

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming
back to
him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the
morning by a
knock at the door, created by two more state

"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he

"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the

influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.

"And what did
you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied
that he drove his
car home and went to bed.

"Where is your car now?" the t
roopers enquired. The man answered that
it was in the

"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure,"

and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state
troopers car.
A man walks into a bar and
has a couple of beers. Once
he is donem the bartender tells him he
owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that
bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls
the same

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid,
I'll take your word for

Soon the customer goes into the
street, sees an old friend, and tells
him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls
suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny
happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither
paid and both
claimed that they did. The next guy who tries
that is going to get
punched right in the nose."

bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds.
give me my change and I'll be on my way."
A regular at Bob's Bar

came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that

appeared extremely painful.

"Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender.
"Who gave those beauties to you?"

"Nobody gave them to me," said
Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for
both of them."
A man had been out in the

back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't

smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for
a few

In the bar, he saw the local jock of the
town's football team. He was
bragging about his girlfriend and how she
was lucky to have him for a

The lumberjack, after
drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say,
"Buddy, if she went
out with me, she'd never go out with you ever

which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you,

she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again."
One night, this guy come
into a
bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for
another. After
a couple more drinks, the bartender gets

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into
a fight," explained the guy "and now she
isn't talking to me for a
whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while.
"But, isn't it a good
thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked
the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."
A brain walks into a bar and

says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."

The barman looks
at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."

"Why not?" askes the

"You're already out of your head."
The bartender asks the guy
sitting at the bar, "What'll you
have?" The guy answers, "A scotch,
please." The bartender hands him
the drink, and says "That'll be
five dollars," to which the guy
replies, "What are you talking
about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby
and overhearing the conversation, then says to
the bartender, "You
know, he's got you there. In the original offer,
which constitutes
a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no
stipulation of

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the
guy, "Okay, you beat
me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you
in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
Bartender says, "What the
heck are you doing in here? I can't believe
you've got the audacity to
come back!"

The guy says, "What
are you talking about? I've never been in this
place in my l
ife!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is

uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you.
Make it a scotch."
A motorway walks
into a
pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink.
just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.

The motorway
sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the
bar and ducks
down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him
and says,
"What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got
lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of


The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do.
He's a
A golf club walks into a
local bar and asks
the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman
refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be
driving later," replies the bartender.
A man walks into a pub

and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog



A few minutes later the dog takes a huge
chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."
Three vampires walk into a

bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the
vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I
vould like
some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire
and asks what he would like.
The vampire responds, "I vould like
some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what
he would like.
The vampire responds, "I vould like some

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order

correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
Yesterday, scientists in the
United States
revealed that beer contains small traces of female

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve
pints of beer
and observed that 100% of them started talking
nonsense and couldn't
John Smith lived in

Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the

ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and

found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a

nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he
got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet
the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for

dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck


"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait?
We were
just pulling in!"
A seal walks into a bar

and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal,
"What's your pleasure?"

The seal replies, "Anything but
Canadian Club."