A man walks into a bar and
asks for
six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's

"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six
shots of
vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.

"I found out
my younger brother is gay," replied the man.

The night after
that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for
six shots of
vodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?"
asked the

The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."
Recently scientists revealed

that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove
their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of
each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained

weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and

couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.
A rather attractive woman
goes up to the bar in a
quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to
the bartender who comes
over immediately.

When he arrives,
she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard
which is
full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking
his face with both

"Actually, no," he

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running

her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I
can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble.
"Is there
anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a
message," she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth
and allowing him to suck
them gently. "Tell him that there is no
toilet paper in the ladies
A guy walks
into a
tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man
the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all


The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy
the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get
drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one

"Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and

rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You
one wish."

The guy thought about it and then wished for
a million bucks. A cloud
of smoke filled the room, and then both
the genie and the guy
disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy
reappeared back in the bar with a million
ducks all around him.

guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want
million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a

twelve-inch Pianist?"
One day a drunk walked into
a bar and
ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured
the rest on the
The bartender got angry, grabbed the
drunk by the collar, pulled him
close to his face, and asked,

"Why did you do that?"
The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so
very sorry sir. Please
forgive me. I can't help it. It's an
illness I can't get rid of. I am
so ashamed of it. How can I make it up
to you?"
The bartender answered,
"Haven't you seen anyone
about this problem?"
The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe
I will."
The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get
help," and the
drunk left.
About three months later the drunk came
back to the same bar, ordered
another gin and tonic, drank half of
it, and poured the rest of it on
the bartender.
The bartender
shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until
you got
The drunk replied, "I did. Now I don't feel ashamed."
Twenty-four hours in a
day... twenty-four
beers in a case... coincidence?
It was Halloween and three

vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will
have?" the bartender asked.

"I'll have a glass of
blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please,"
said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.

"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two

bloods and a blood light?"
Q: What did
bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?

A: Ok
you 2, dont start anything
The local bar was so sure
that its bartender was the
strongest man around that they offered a
standing $1000 bet. The bartender
would squeeze a lemon until all
the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone
who could squeeze one more drop of juice out
would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen,
but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man
came into the bar, wearing thick
glasses and a polyester suit, and
said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like
to try the bet"

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a

lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind

to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to
total silence as the man clenched
his fist around the lemon and six
drops fell into the glass!!

As the crowd cheered, the bartend
er paid the $1000, and asked the
little man "what do you do for a
living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weight-lifter, or what?"

The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."
A man walks into a Kansas
with his golden retriever. "Hey," says the bartender, "No dogs

allowed in the bar." "Oh please?," begs the customer.

You see,
you're playing the Royals game, and my dog is a really big
fan of
the Royals." "You're trying to tell me that this here dog is a

BASEBALL FAN?! Both of you get out of my bar," says the bartender.
animals allowed, and YOU belong in a mental institution. Dogs don't

like baseball!"

Just then, the Royals get a hit. The dog goes
wild. He jumps up on the
bar and hops around in circles on his hind
legs. Then he does the same
on his front legs! The bartender is
astounded. "That is the most
amazing thing I've ever seen! Who ever
thought a DOG could like
baseball?! I'm curious though....if he gets
that excited when the Royals get
a hit, what does he do when they
get a home run?"

"I don't know," confesses the owner, "I
've only had him for five
The Lone Ranger and Tonto

walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few

minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big
horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt,
and said,
"I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger
and said, "I just thought you
would like to know that your horse is
just about dead outside!!" The Lone
Ranger and Tonto rushed outside
and, sure enough, Silver was about dead
from heat exhaustion. The
Lone Ranger got him some water and made him
drink it, and soon
Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned
to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run
around Silver and see
if you can create enough of a breeze to make him
start to feel

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles
Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lon
e Ranger returned to
the bar to finish his drink.

A few
minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands
again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him
this time?"

cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to

know............ you left your Injun running!!!"
"Didja hear the news?"

asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife

left him!"

"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"
Monahan stumbled
into a
saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall
a penguin?"

"About two and a half feet."

"Thank God!"
cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"
The local District Judge had
given the defendant a lecture on the evils
of drink. But in view of
the fact that this was the first time the man
had been drunk and
incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten
shillings costs.

"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice

sternly as the defendant turned to go.

"I'm afraid I
can't promise that, sir," said the released man.

"And why not?"

"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"
Barty and Dunny met in a pub
and discussed the illness
of a friend named Hogan.

Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."

an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.

"Ah, he's gotten
so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but
by my soul,
Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put
A drunken man was wondering around the
parking lot of
a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the
roofs of the cars.

The manager comes out of the bar and stops the
guy. "What the heck are
you doing?" he asks the drunk.

"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it."

"So how does
feeling the roof help you?" He asked the drunk.

"Well," the drunk
replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren
on the roof!!"
Two cartons of yogurt walk

into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to
"We don't serve your kind in here."

One of the
yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured

Two men
walked into a

You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
I walked into a bar the
other day and ordered a double.

The bartender brought out a guy who
looked just like me.
A man had
been drinking
at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his

girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it
was so
cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw

the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The

bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the
drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on
girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy
and his
girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the
fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks
he's me!"