#101
Delta Airlines recently
introduced a
special half-fare rate for wives
accompanying their husbands on business
trips. Anticipating some
valuable testimonials, the publicity
department of the airline sent out
letters to all the wives of
businessmen who used the special rates,
asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in
asking, "What trip?"
#102
Southwest Airlines makes humor a high

priority. Here are some
actual humorous statements by airline flight
crews:

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it`s warm, the sun is
shining,
and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where
it`s
dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there
I
can`t imagine."

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make
sure your tray tables and
seat backs are fully upright in their most
uncomfortable position."

"Your seat cushions can be used for
floatation, and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please
take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section
on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight
crew and we will escort you to a seat
outside on the wing of the
airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person
caught smoking
in the lavatories will be asked to leave the p
lane immediately."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane..."

"If you
are so lucky to be traveling with small children..."

Flight
attendant: To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into
the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt,
and

if you don`t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn`t be out
in
public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of
cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a
small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with two
small children, decide now
which one you love more."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen
masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over
your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults ac
ting like children."

Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants
in the industry...Unfortunately none of
them are on this flight...!

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our
cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign
off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the
plane till we land... it`s a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on
the wings it affects the flight pattern."

At the end of a flight:
"Our flight attendants are now walking
through the aisles with
trash receptacles for any garbage you might
have
or anything else
that you might wanna give us!"
As the plane landed and was coming to
a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the
loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"As you exit the plane,
please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left
behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Pl
ease do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the
plane must clean it."
#103
During the heat of the space race in the
1960's, the U.S.
National
Aeronautics and Space Administration
decided it needed a ballpoint pen
to
write in the zero gravity
confines of its space capsules. After
considerable research and
development, the Astronaut Pen was developed
at
a cost of about $1
million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some
modest success as a
novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union,
faced with the
same problem, used a pencil.
#104
An
employee of USAir with the last name of
Gay boarded a USAir flight with
a free travel voucher. Soon after
he sat down, someone else came and
claimed he had the same seat
assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an
empty
seat. Soon after that
the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the
USAir employee
vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat,
you
have to
surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and
still

more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat
of
Mr.
Gay and said the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are
you Gay?''
The
man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a
matter of fact I am!''
The
flight attendant said, "I'm sorry,
but you'll have to get off the
plane.''
At this point Mr.
Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and
said, "Excuse
me, you've made a mistake--I'm Gay!'' Finally,
another m
an
jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't
throw us
all
off!''
#105
The Captain was
Jewish, and the new First
Officer was Chinese. It was the
first time they had flown together,
and it was obvious by the silence
that
they didn't get
along.

After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, " I don't
like
Chinese. "

The F.O. replied, " Ooooh, no like Chinese?
Why is that? "

The Captain said, " You bombed Pearl Harbor.
That's why I don't like
Chinese. "

The F.O. said, " Nooooo,
noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That
JAPANESE, not Chinese.
"

And the Captain answered, " Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ...
it
doesn't
matter. They're all alike. "

Another 30
minutes of silence.

Finally the First Officer said, " No like Jew.
"

The Captain replied, " Why not? Why don't you like Jews?
"

" Jews sink Titanic. " Said the F.O.

The Captain tried to
correct him, " No, no. The Jews didn't sink the
Titanic. It
was an iceberg. "

" Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah
.. all same "
#106
A young lady was conducting a study in to
human sexual
behavior. She came
to the conclusion that the best
place to find participants for the
survey
would be the airport.
After three hours of questioning passengers, she
sees a pilot walking
to his gate. Having heard of the reputation of
pilots
she stops
him "Excuse me, Captain" she says, "I am doing a survey on
human

sexuality...I was wondering if you could answer a few questions..."

The
pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him.
After three
questions, she asks him "...and when was the last time you
had sex?".
Straight away the Captain replies "1959". The girl was
shocked. She
looks
at the captain and asks "1959 isn't that a
long time ago?". "Oh"
the pilot
replies "I guess so...but it's
only 2015 now..."
#107
A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York.

During the meal service, he
accidentally knocked the spoon off
to the aisle with his elbow. The
flight
attendant immediately
took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his
tray table. The
man was very impressed by the promptness of the service
and

asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"

The
flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to

evaluate
our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock
the spoon
off
their tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we
all save trips to the
galley and can be much more
efficient."

Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the

customer
asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string
hanging from
your fly?"

The flight attendant replied, "The
efficiency expert determined that
we
were spending too much t
ime washing our hands after we went to the
bathroom. To counteract
this, we tie strings to our penises."

The customer looked
confused. "How does that help?" he asked.

"Well, when I go to the
bathroom I just use the string. Since I never
touched myself I don't
need to wash my hands."

The customer nodded and asked, "But how
do you get it back in your
pants?"

The flight attendant
smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but
I use
the
spoon."
#108
A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it
reached a
comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking.
Welcome to
Flight number 293, non-stop from New
York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and therefore we
should have a smooth flight, Now sit
back
and relax. - OH MY
GOD!"

Silence

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and
said: "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier,
but while I was
talking
the flight attendant brought me a cup
of coffee and spilled the hot
coffee
in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said: "That's
nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
#109
A few days after Christmas, a
mother was
working in the kitchen listening
to her son playing with his new
airplane in the living room. She heard
her
son said, "All of you
sons of bitches get the hell off the plane now,
cause this is the
last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your
asses in the plane, cause we're going to take-off
now."

The
mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of

language
in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay
there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
your plane, but I
want
you to use nice language." Two hours
later, the son comes out of the
bedroom and resumes playing with his
plane. Soon the mother heard her
son
say, "All passengers who
are deplaning, please remember to take all of
your belongings with
you. We thank you for flying with us today and
hope
your tr
ip was a pleasant one. We hope you will fly with us again

soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just
boarding, we
ask
you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there
is
no smoking on the plane. We hope you will
have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."

As the
mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who
are

pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the

kitchen."
#110
Ever wonder why they never show the film ALIVE

in-flight?...... It's not
because of the film's content,
it's because the people in the film
are
eating better than the
people on board.
#111
Taxiing
down the tarmac, the jetliner
abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an
hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the
flight attendant, "What was the
problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a
noise he heard in the
engine,"
explained the flight attendant,
"and it took us a while to find a new
pilot."
#112
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to

the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong
mean-looking, hulking guy
plops
down in the seat next to him and
immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick,
but he's afraid to
wake
the big guy up to ask if he can go to the
bathroom. He knows he can't
climb over him, and so the little guy
is sitting there, looking at the
big
guy, trying to decide what
to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable
wave of
nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in
any longer
and
he pukes all over the big guy's
chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees
the
vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you
feeling better now?"