#1
"I've never flown before, said the

nervous old lady to the pilot. "You will bring me down safely, won't

you?
"All I can say ma'am," said the pilot, "is that I've never left

anyone up there yet!"
#2
After an overnight flight to meet my father
at
his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at
Rhein-Main
Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all
under age 11.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the
cramped
customs area. A young customs official watched our
entourage in disbelief,
''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children
and this luggage
belong to you?''

''Yes, sir,'' my
mother said with a sigh, ''they're all
mine.''

The
customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any

weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?''


''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I

would have used them by now.''
#3
Once as Laloo was coming out of airport,
there was huge rush
and the security guard told him, "Wait Please."


To which Laloo replied, "65 kgs," and moved on.
#4
Stewardess"
"Yes, Sir?" "I want to
complain about this airline. Every time I
fly, I get the same seat, I
can't see the in-flight movie and there are
no windows blinds so I
can't sleep." "Captain, shut up and land the
plane."
#5
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola
on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to
fly to
Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah,
whatever."
#6
A small twin-prop
commuter plane was
hijacked by a desperate animal rights extremist who
vowed to kill one
of the passengers to demonstrate his serious intentions.
There were
two passengers present, a microbiologist and a yeast
geneticist.
The hijacker gave each one two minutes to explain why they
shouldn't
be killed. The microbiologist (who studied bacteria) talked for 1

minute 59 seconds explaining that he studies bacteria, bacteria are

model organisms for the study of genetics and physiology etc. etc. and

finished with an emotional, bacteria-laden plea which had the
hijacker in
tears. When he was done, they turned to the yeast geneticist
who said,
"let me explain to you why yeast genetics is an important

discipline..." but he was interrupted by the microbiologist who
exclaimed "Shoot
me! Shoot me!"
#7
A husband suspects his wife is having an

affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the
husband
just knew when his wife said:

"Honey, I've told you
once, I've told you twice, I've told you
niner thousand times,
negative on the affair ..."
#8
ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions?
"

Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument
Rating."

ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."
#9
On a flight
with EasyJet back in 1997 the
pilot made what can only be describes as
an extremely heavy landing
at Luton. It was very early in the morning
and a number of
passenger around me looked quite alarmed as, apart
from the noise, a number
of overhead lockers dropped open and several
items of carry-on
luggage were launched down the aisle.

After slowing up, the aircraft
turned off the runway and turned towards
the stand and over the PA
came "Good morning ladies gentlemen, this is
Captain Smith, welcome
to Luton...and if any of you were asleep...I bet
you're not
now!"
#10
"Flight 1234, are you
ready to copy
holding instructions?"
"Center, make that request on the next
frequency...."
#11
"Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your

wings.."
"OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!"
#12
Little boy to airline pilot:

"You're
a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting."

Pilot:

"Not if I
do it right."
#13
A young guy in a
two-engine fighter was
flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a
nuisance, acting like
a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The hotdog
said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The
veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52
continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked,
"So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."
#14
A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a
landing at an airport
they had never been to before. The pilot
looked out the windshield, and
suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot:
"Holy cow! Look how short the runway
is! I've never seen one that
short!"

The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right!
That's
incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we
better, we're almost out of fuel."

So the captain got on the
intercom, and notified the passengers to put
their heads between their
knees, and prepare for an emergency landing.
Then he set the flaps to
full down, and slowed the plane to just over
stall speed. The big
jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of
control. The
pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.

They touched
down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge
of the
runway, the tires smoking.

"HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the
captain. "That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and
WIDE too!"
#15
After the first
takeoff of the fully
automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing,
reassuring voice
of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
automatic pilot.
In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is
absolutely
impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible,
..."
#16
How does the captain know the aircraft is
safely at the ramp?
Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
#17
What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a

modern airliner?

A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is
there to bite the captain
if he tries to touch the controls, and the
co-pilot is there to feed the
dog.
#18
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over
Arizona on a clear day,
the co-pilot was providing his passengers with
a running commentary
about landmarks over the PA
system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a

major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of

nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000

tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering
white-hot
debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures
nearly a mile
across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a
passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed
the highway!"
#19
McNally was taking his first plane ride,
flying over the
Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of
chewing gum. "It's
to keep your ears from popping at high
altitudes," she explains.

When the plane landed McNally rushed up to
her. "Miss," he said,

"I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I
get the gum out of me
ears?"
#20
As a crowded airliner is about to
take
off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment

to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated,

embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to
scream
furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from
the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of
an Air Force
General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the
flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired,
courtly,
soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest,

whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms
down, gently takes his mother's hand, and
quietly fastens his seat
belt. All the other passengers burst into
spontaneous
applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the
cabin
attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she ask
s
quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that
little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I
showed him my
pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons,
and explained that they
entitle me to throw one passenger out the
plane door on any flight I
choose."