What's the definition of an
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you
How many accountants
does it take to
change a light bulb?
"What kind of answer did you have in
Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done
within the given budget.
Q: What is a Budget? A: An
system for living beyond your means.
A young accountant spends a week at his new
office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every
morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens
desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing
paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with
returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins
his day's work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly
wait to read for
himself the message contained in the envelope in
the drawer, particularly
since he feels so inadequate in replacing
the far wiser and more highly
esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks
to himself, it must contain the
great secret to his success, a
wondrous treasure of inspiration and
motivation. His fingers tremble
anxiously as he removes the mysterious
envelope from the drawer and
reads the following message:
"Debits in the column toward t
he file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window."
business owner tells her friend that
she is desperately searching for an
asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been
accountant leaves a letter
for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I
am 54 years old,
and by the time you get this letter I will be at the
with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."
arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that
as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time
you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen
year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely
appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what
does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."
A guy in a bar
leans over to the guy
next to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant
guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you
know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And
the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an
accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"
first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two
Why accountants don't read
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
A patient was at her doctor's office after
undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some
news for you. You only have six months to
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"
replied, "Marry an accountant."
"Will that make me live longer?"
asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping
and goes to see
his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours
trying to find
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed
robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the
tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up
a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is
going on accountant number one jams something in
two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two
is this?" to which accountant number one replies,
"it's that $50 I
An accountant visited the Natural History
museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor:
dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and
the guide told me that the dinosaur is
two billion years old."