#1
Do you know what a mice said when
it saw a bat?
Mom ! I see an angel.
#2
"Will I ever be able to race my
horse again" the owner asked the vet.
The vet replied, "You certainly
will, and you'll probably beat her
too!"
#3
Does killing time damage

eternity?
#4
Why do you need a driver's
licence to buy liquor
when you can't drink and drive?
#5
Q: What is the pink stuff between

elephant's toes?
A: Slow clowns.
#6
A couple have not
been
getting along for years, so the husband thinks,
"I'll buy my wife a
cemetery plot for her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her
disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this
time he
doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a
birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last
year!"
#7
After my wife and her former best
buddy, another
Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted
one
husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief
means
of communication. When our phone
bills showed astronomical
increases, the other spouse and I sought
relief. Since we both
owned computers, we
encourage our wives to use electronic mail.


Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent,

then call back to confirm that it
arrived and have a
conversation about the contents!
#8
The desk
sergeant answered
the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've
got to help
me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's
pulling
apples off the tree with its tail!" "What's he doing with the
apples?"
the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you

wouldn't believe me!"
#9
An Englishman,
Frenchman,
Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane
when
the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having

mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is

for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can
survive"

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman
takes a deep
breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and
jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and

he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers
"Remember the Alamo" and
he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of
the plane.
#10
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew

Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were

lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up.
What do
you see?

"Well, I see thousands of stars."


"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we
will have another nice day tomorrow. What
does it mean to you,
Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
#11
A blind man walks into a store

with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and

begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the
man and
asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just
looking
around."
#12
Q: Why
don't blind people
skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
#13
A married couple was in a
terrible accident where the
woman's face was severely burned.

The
doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her

body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.


However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would

have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed
that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and
requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was
a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed,
everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more
beautiful than she ever had before! All her
friends and relatives just
went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone
with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his
sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everyth
ing you did for
me. There is no way I could ever repay you."


"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks

I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
#14
One day there were two boys
playing by
a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to
it and the
other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the
bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The
two boys were
looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of
a sudden the second
boy took off running. The first boy couldn't
understand why he ran away
so he took off after his friend. Finally,
he caught up to him and asked
why he ran away. The boy said to his
friend, "My mom told me if I ever
saw a naked lady I would turn to
stone, and I felt something getting
hard, so I ran."
#15
What do monkeys sing at Christmas

?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !
#16
A Texan walks into a pub in
Ireland and
clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear
you Irish are
a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American
dollars to anybody
in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness
back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's
offer. One man even
leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who
left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet
still good?", asks
the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and
asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the
Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses
drinking them all
back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan
sits in
amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya
don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were
gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub
down the street to
see if I could do it first".
#17
A drunk stammers out of a bar and

runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus

Christ.''

The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus
Christ.''

So the drunk says it to the second priest.


The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''


The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the

bar with the priests.

The bartender takes on look at the
drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus
Christ, you're here again?''
#18
This guy
goes to the zoo one
day. While standing in front of the gorilla's cage,
a gust of wind
swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid,
the gorilla
went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the
guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the
zookeeper.
Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid

means "F**k you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the

victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he
purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party
horns, and a large
sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried
to the zoo
and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a
knife, and
a party horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a
party hat. The
gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it
on. Next, he picked
up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla
picked up his horn and did the
same. Then the man picked up his
knife, whipped the sausage out of his
pants, and sliced it in
half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at

the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
#19
Little
Mary was not the best
student in Sunday School. Usually she slept
through the class. One
day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me,
Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny,
an altruistic boy seated in the
chair behind her, took a pin and
jabbed her in the rear. "God
Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher
said, "Very good," and Mary fell
back asleep.
A while later the
teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior,"
but Mary didn't
even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
the rescue,
and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and
the teacher
said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked
Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her
twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her
with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that
damn th
ing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
#20
Q: How do you know if a blonde

has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed
into the disk drive.